Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas late to those of you that celebrate it! Was away spending the weekend with my parents and cooking for them.

Still not dead

I'm still not dead! I decided to keep from focusing on the fact that I am alone, I needed something else to focus on, some specific purpose to my existence; so I've been trying to make the people around me a little bit happier. I made potroast for the Progressive Gun Fan, who just got back surgery, and Rook. Helped a friend move, scheduled myself to give massages Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep up friendships with the various women who contacted me while my OKCupid profile was still up, though I've explained that it's not going anywhere. All this has left me with even less writing time than before.

Apropos of both things, I am always at my most lonely and feeling most like a loser New Year's Eve, when I am usually surrounded by married couples kissing. Instead of finding myself a date, I thought, I can't be the only one. So, I made a suggestion in the Dorian's Parlor group on FetLife that people going to Dorian's NYE wear a red bow (like on a Christmas present) that indicates the willingness to kiss anyone who asks all evening (people with bad history excepted, e.g. bad exes and stalkers.) I will be wearing one. And I'm quite nervous that no one will take me up on it. And the fact that I'm nervous about going to a party where, perhaps, no one will kiss me makes me feel like a teen girl in an After School Special. Commander Badass would not approve. (Jared would understand, though.) At least I actually posted the idea rather than obliquely chickening out by just thinking about it until it was too late.

One of the joys of being intentionally single

Wednesday night I found one of the joys of being intentionally single. I went to a club in Philadelphia with friends which had a floor playing my favorite type of music to dance to (e.g. The Prodigy - Funky Shit). The joy was, dancing like an idiot without caring what you look like. I was not there to impress anyone, and dancing is a lot more fun if you don't give a fuck.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope my American readers had a happy Thanksgiving! I've got about 1 minute left to say this.

Oh, dear

So, I finished my ex and the Saturnine Thespian's (the new guy's) shared blog Wednesday night, after my last post, something like 36,000 words. The parts where they were sharing things that I'm not into, I could rejoice with them the most. The parts where it was stuff I would have liked to do but she'd never open up with me? There was jealousy and anger. And there was some sadness from all of it.

At first, I was pretty distraught; I called up Determined Guy and Determined Girl and asked if I could come over for some company, not to be alone. They said yes, as I was sure they would, they're good people; we talked about it a bit. And I thought about things I had read the next day. How much love and devotion is in S.T.'s writing. How familiar my ex's love-and-devotion-promising responses sound, under the fet trappings. How her writing has tapered off much more than his since it started. How he apologizes for the lack of content, and she doesn't. How much he reveals of himself, his conventionally embarrassing kinks, his awkward adolescence; how she reveals nothing of her past but a vague reference to how she always had dark desires but was trapped by the vanilla world into hiding them. Her preposterously ironic (to me) musing on the beauty of devoted marriage that no one does in the modern world, delivered without the faintest hint of self-consciousness. His most recent post, talking about how his dreams are falling into place because of her.

And I thought, the poor guy.

And I thought about how most people have never heard her seriously admit a failure, and me only once. And how surprised she was at the idea that my family might be mad at her. And I thought how her memory seems to be run by the Ministry of Truth. And I thought about the times I've met him (S.T.) recently; I was extremely intent on showing that I was not a threat, not full of hate; but how from the very beginning he had none of the defensiveness that I would expect from someone meeting a distraught jilted ex-husband who is carrying a gun.

And I thought, how was all this presented to him?

And I thought, I probably owe her first husband an apology.

Wrong For Me

I think it would be wise for me to go over some of the ways my ex is wrong for me to help me keep in mind that it was really not that great before she left anyway. It's a shame that none of you reading this blog get to see her good side here, but, the blog is about what I need to talk about and can't to people who know her.

Reluctance for intimate personal communication, especially about sex
Lack of moral courage (she has physical courage)
Lack of a giving spirit matching mine, especially in sex
Very poor at admitting mistakes or shortcomings
Not a Christian
Not truly serious about vows
Kinks seriously don't match (she's very into S&M, I'm not so much; she's into taking or having taken, I'm into giving or receiving giving)
Devotion to her work is far greater than devotion to her partner
Lack of introspection

Almost any of these would be a dealbreaker by itself if I were looking for someone new. All of them together?

Just wanted to say I'm feeling better.

Just wanted to say I'm feeling better than before.

Why the fuck do I have to be so loyal?

Why the fuck do I have to be so loyal? It's killing me.

Probably going to be some stream of conciousness on this blog, then I'll have said it all and shut up. I don't want to worry you all, I'll survive this. I just need to vent. It's the problem that's been getting to me recently; my heart is still attached even though my head is not. I don't want to make anyone think I'm an stalking obsessive. For example, I've known she was on FetLife for months, and how to find her, and I didn't look till a virus-induced impulse this morning. Just now I checked my email, hoping for a distraction, and she'd sent me a link to an photo album of a documentary shoot the new guy borrowed some stuff from me for. She contacts me more often than I her. Admittedly, when I contact her, I often ask if she wants to get together; whereas when she contacts me it's usually because she wants something she left here. Anyway, I'm not stalking.

Despite the high-minded thoughts in the last post, I'm a mess. I was feeling lonely before, especially because I've been sick at home and haven't spoken to another human since Tuesday. Now, turmoil and heartache.

Happiness for her happiness is going to win. I'm going to fucking MAKE it win. I am stronger than this.

"Master, which is the great commandment in the law?"

Jesus said unto him, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

"This is the first and great commandment.

"And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

"On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

Matthew 22:36-40, KJV

Discovery

A few weeks ago a couple of people contacted me on OKCupid and after I made certain they understood that I wasn't ready for a romantic relationship, I've been emailing back and forth. And that's taken up all my writing time. But, that's not the discovery.

This morning, sitting at home sick and fuzzy-headed from a cold, I decided on impulse to look up my ex's profile on FetLife. Wasn't hard. I use my face on my FetLife profile, so I imagine she's seen mine if she bothered to look. It's possible she could read this blog because until just now I used the same name on both places. But I strongly doubt it, I don't think she's that interested.

So, I learned a fair bit; her and the new guy write a lot together and post a lot of pictures. She's kinkier than me, though I always held back because she wouldn't open up; our sex life was much less kinky than either of us are. I always thought I was kinkier than her, because I was always the one suggesting things! I do wish she had told me, I would have done so much more for her. But, in the end, I think she'll be much happier with him. The main thing that makes me happy is that he sounds like he respects and values her greatly, which is a huge relief; so many in that kind of relationship come off as rather contemptuous in their writings. (And she him.) That makes me happy, though it's a happiness tinged with melancholy. Good luck to you two, and whatever others come into your life! (the relationship is somewhat open)

At least now I understand more of the why. And I guess being too vanilla is sort of another blow to my ego, but not really a bad one. Eh, it's what I like. It's better by far than for an unspecified reason. The dates on the writings start very soon after she left me, and before she initiated divorce proceedings. So, she left me partly for me, and partly for him. That's another relief to my ego. And now when people ask I can say she left me for another guy, which is much easier than "she couldn't really explain".

Name Change

Just decided to change the name here, on OKCupid, and FetLife to different names. Probably this name is temporary and I'll change it again. More to come.

UPDATE: Andrew Vanbergen is the main character from one of my favorite books, James P. Blaylock's The Last Coin. It popped into my head.

Sick of my own whining

In the course of listening to lots of sad music and dwelling on how much I missed my ex, I exceeded some kind of self-pity threshold. And I remembered again what a small thing my current problems are in this mortal world, much less the life of an immortal soul that plans to someday go to Heaven to be with God. So, here's one of the songs that reminds me how much more there is than this.


Eagles - Journey of the Sorcerer

P.S. It's hard for me not to spell it 'sorceror'.

A post

I'm short on writing time/mental inspiration, but I really want to move the depressing last post off the top. So, this is for the whole reason of being an at least neutral post on top. Hi!

Sometimes

Sometimes, I miss my ex so very much.


DJ Project - Soapte
Another version with a cheerful video

Translation (source):

Whispers

I’m afraid of your look/glance, because I lost myself deeply in it
When you whisper to me, I have shivers
Because I lost you so many times
You tore a piece from my soul
Hide it, so that I can be the only one to find it
A whole world to look for, it’s hard to me

It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close

I’m afraid you’ll forget me and I would lose you look/glance
I’m once again lost betweeen clouds
I’ve looked for you thousands of times
You tore a piece from my soul
Hide it, so that I can be the only one to find it
A whole world to look for, it’s hard to me

ha aa aa..it’s so hard for me
aa…it’s so hard for me

It rains slowly
It rains slowly
It rains slowly
It rains slowly

It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close

Some thoughts on the "sexual marketplace"

After reading the post and comments here, I was thinking about the perception of men wanting sex and women not wanting it. I think I can offer an unusual and illuminating perspective, because I was dating for a while and I will not have sex outside of marriage.

I did not get to know meet one woman who truly did not want sex in the sense of the "sexual marketplace" concept. I had one polite "if you ever change your mind", three attempts to argue me out of abstinence, one who slipped into a moment of "you're right but I don't care", one case of grabbing, and one who would not accept a massage because she thought it would be too tempting for her. (Going back over this in my head and writing it out has made it harder to hold on to certain of my bad self-image issues.)

Why was my experience so different than so many other men describe? First, to be fair to opponents of my thinking, I suppose a "Pick-Up Artist" would call me a natural alpha. I'm tall, I have a decent job, I've been told that I'm charming and handsome, and I come off as quite confident and alpha-type; people in the fetish community tend to assume I'm a dom from things like the way I carry myself and look people in the eye. But I don't think that is the main thing at all.

The main thing in my opinion that shapes my experience is that I am not looking for sex, I'm looking for friends. Inasmuch as I'm charming and confident, those are side effects. I'm charming because I actually want to hear about the woman I'm talking with. I'm confident because just not hitting it off with someone doesn't carry a giant sting of rejection. I'm not offering something so personal as sex and having that rejected; I think most people have reasonable ability not to be too hurt by finding out they don't have much in common with someone. All this I think would apply to anyone who wants to be friends more than they want a new sex partner.

But more than that, I don't think that many of us really want sex with a non-friend. There is an extremely strong cultural perception that that's obviously what men want, it's what a man has to do to be a normal man, but I think it's bullshit. Very few men who have the option of sleeping around pretty much whenever they want actutally choose that option. Famous male actors tend to get married, and have affairs, rather than just sleep around, and it's not like they can't just sleep around. Even in the cases where they do, there seems something psychologically fishy about it, like they're just doing what they've been told they're supposed to. Wilt Chamberlain, probably the king of sleeping around, talked about late in his life about how much he'd missed.

The culture tells men they have to want women's bodies if those bodies meet certain standards, regardless of the person attached; it tells women they have to view sex as nothing but a tool for manipulating men. I think the women I met were showing what is more natural for humans of all sexes; people want sex with people they like, first and foremost. Please note that I'm not going so far as to claim people are normally, naturally monogamous; I find that even more implausible than the "men just want sex" perspective. I'm sure not naturally monogamous. I'm just claiming that most of us primarily want sex with people we like.

Another factor is that by bringing up the issue of abstinence before marriage very early (like clearly stated in my online profiles and brought up within about the first hour of conversation with people met face-to-face), I take the defensive pressure off the woman who is used to the idea of people trying to get her into bed whether they care about her or not. I suppose a PUA would see this as the ultimate "neg".

Lecturer Reiki

Sometimes it's so hard to swallow the need to defend yourself. Someone who we shall call Lecturer Reiki contacted me on OKCupid, despite the note on my profile that says "I've found that I am not mentally over my divorce enough to start any new romantic relationships. But, I'm leaving the rest of my profile up for later and just in case people are curious." At first, it seemed like we could be friends.

Our contacts after the first few were largely her making insulting and unwarranted assumptions about my spirituality because she's way to my left and full of prejudice, and me trying to explain how I actually felt. Very much like the Lecturer, except the Lecturer was probably more to my right (sort of; or maybe way off on my w-axis somewhere) and full of prejudice. She shall be renamed Lecturer Polygynist to distinguish her from Lecturer Reiki and future Lecturers. I think this is a pattern I should watch out for in the future and shut down sooner.

Interestingly, both of them thought they were spiritual healers and great judges of character because they were attuned to other's spiritual energy. Their wrong assumptions about me were pretty much opposite, but both really kind of hurtful.

I am a kindly reptile.

I was recently reading the Wikipedia entry on John Lee's classification of love styles. The short version is:

* Eros - a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
* Ludus - a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
* Storge - an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
* Pragma - love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
* Mania - obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
* Agape - selfless altruistic love; spiritual

I was thinking how I exhibit Eros and Agape but most of all Storge. If not for my religious position, I could, I think, fairly easily suck a bisexual male friend's cock simply because it's not a big deal to me. That's Storge. I would not get off on it, or want the favor returned, because it wouldn't be a favor; it has no appeal. Men do not attract me, many women do; that's Eros.

Reading about it, I hit this bit: "disadvantages [of Storge] may include a lack of passion and potential boredom in the relationship." It hit me then that that was probably what my ex could never explain, and what she's probably looking for now with the consensual nonconsent. Passion; fire; abandon. I am so very polite and careful, almost all the time; I am warm and caring (though I became cooler as the relationship worsened) but never hot and passionate.

I wanted to be hotter and more passionate, but I didn't feel like I could with the lack of communication. What did she like? What was OK? What made her happy? I wanted to let myself go more, but I had no idea where I could go. I was more passionate about submission than anything else, because there I felt letting myself go was safe for both of us. But in general, the less I thought she appreciated me, the more diffident I became. Not hot, not passionate. Cold-blooded. A kindly reptile.

And I imagine that explaining it would have made it not count. If she has to say "take me", then she isn't exactly being taken right? She's still giving herself. If she wants reckless abandon, and she has to say "don't worry if you hurt me a little pinning my wrists, I'll like it," then there isn't really reckless abandon.

But to be perfectly honest, I do not see that the kink as in the above paragraph can be indulged without evil. "Taking", if it is for real, if there is no consent, is rape isn't it? And if it requires telepathy to distinguish it from rape, well, I don't believe in telepathy. I don't want to minimize the difficulty of coming out and saying what you want, and I can't imagine what impact it has on the fantasy. But as far as I can see it just has to be done. After all, when a Christian with my idea of chastity marries, we forsake all other possible future partners. That ain't how our fantasies run either.

I'm no longer sure how into consensual nonconsent my ex is. She has a now-proven tendency to adapt herself to a new guy. Seeing as her previous husband left her over the lack of sex, I think this might seem just perfect for someone who doesn't care about sex much beyond the new romance period but doesn't want to admit to herself that she doesn't. If so, it'll probably lead to a break-up in several years as consensual nonconsent turns gradually to apathetic nonconsent. I'm trying hard to hope it doesn't. To that end, I'm praying that it doesn't.

Addendum to giving vs. having taken.

Thinking about it some more, or more precisely catching myself in a fantasy, if I were caught in the right lonely mood AND if I hadn't already resolved to be abstinent until marriage, I might actually play submissive somewhat casually. Which doesn't sound as cool as what I wrote before did. This doesn't contradict anything I wrote about giving vs. having taken, but under the right circumstances I would give much more casually than one might think just from that post.

Terry Pratchett character

So, last week I was told my wife left me because I'm not rapey enough, and she was probably hurt by me not objectifying her enough.

This weekend, I struck up a conversation with a very nice woman at Dorian's*, and she explained to me why she saw abstinence as not being required of Christians and called me (smilingly) evil when I massaged her shoulders and wicked when I massaged her hands because of the abstinence thing.

Then, yesterday, a close female friend explained to me about how I was too focused and attentive when conversing with a woman and how my failure to look at passing asses robbed the woman I was talking to of the opportunity to check her teeth for spinach and wipe her nose.

So, it struck me this morning: I am a living Terry Pratchett character. My narrative purpose is to illustrate the chasm between what polite society says women want from male romantic interests, and the, er, more varied and colorful reality. I think I may change my name on FetLife to Carrot Ironfounderssen or something.

--------

* Every few months when I'm feeling down I do a sort of dry run at picking up women; partly because I just like talking to new people and tend to like them and find them interesting, and partly because it cheers me up a lot to check that I'm abstinent by choice rather than social incompetence. As you can tell I explain the abstinence thing very soon. [UPDATE] Oh, also I explained the not-mentally-ready-for-more-than-friends thing even sooner.

Given vs. having taken

[Edited this post because I got cranky about my ex's attitude in the original.]

Seems to me there are two general attitudes toward submission to be found out there. Either you prefer to give submission or have it taken, have it given or take it. It seems to me that the desire to have it taken is a bit more common in women and the desire to give it is a bit more common in men.

I think my attitude is rather unusual. I read a submissive once say that her submission was too valuable to be given away, it had to be earned by being taken.

Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils. -- Major General John Stark, the Hero of Bennington

My submission is far to valuable to be taken; if you try one of us will die first. (And I don't think it will be me, but if it is that's OK.)

The paradox is that I will give (and have given) it freely, casually, and commonly to my wife. If you marry me, it is yours, that is part of the covenant between us. And another part is that your submission is likewise mine. I want us both to likewise regard yours as far to valuable to be taken; but I want you to give yours as freely, casually, and commonly as I.

This isn't to say I don't have fun playing having my submission forced sometimes, but that's play. The way I voluntarily submit to someone I love has reality behind it.

Addendum.

A few anecdotes about objectification and consent

I'm going to give a few stories to help define what I mean when I say I don't objectify and don't kink on rape; I don't want to sound like I'm claiming more that I fulfil and also I want to narrow it down a bit.

I played a rape scene once, where I told my ex beforehand that I wanted her to pretend to want the sex but require the excuse of force to escape cultural mores. Medieval setting with me as highwayman; words like "no", "stop", "don't" were all to be taken at face value. I very much enjoyed that, particularly the feeling of being in charge, and would love to repeat it. But it did not make me want anything harder.

I've told this story before but, I had sex with her once, without getting affirmative consent first. After about seven years of marriage, after she'd orgasmed from the common morning cunnilingus and was laying back naked on the bed, I got on top of her, kissing her neck, and penetrated her, without waiting for affirmation. She seemed to enjoy it; though in retrospect it may have been much too little too late for her unexpressed preference, mostly a reminder of the consensual nonconsent she wasn't enjoying. (Those morning cunnilingus sessions, with no release for me, tended to leave me very frustrated. But I still miss them very much; that was when I felt closest to her, and most useful.) Given that part of our marriage arrangement was the verbal agreement that we'd be each other's whore and love slave, I don't feel like this was wrong. But I'd appreciate comments on whether others see it the same way; am I being ridiculous to ask or does that story seem uncomfortable?

My ex suffered juvenile-onset Type 1 diabetes and often got loopy from insulin reaction; she was at her most forward at those times. (Her reaction was very like drunkeness). Once, during an insulin reaction, she pointed out that I'd never had her when her sugar was low. I told her I was uncomfortable with the idea of sex when she was not her normal self; I didn't feel like it was proper consent.

I do enjoy looking at women, but definitely not as much as most guys (or most bisexual girls I know for that matter). I do not tend to look very long; I get uncomfortable. This has a little bit to do with not wanting to objectify but a lot more to do with not wanting to make the person being looked at uncomfortable, feeling like it's wrong to stare at someone if I don't know for sure that they are into me. I absolutely know that I take this one to a ridiculous level because I feel uncomfortable watching burlesque acts on stage. Especially at a venue like a small stage at Wicked Faire or Dorian's where there isn't a lot of money in it; her motive for being up there stripping isn't because she wants people to modestly look away.

At Wicked Faire, at breakfast on the last day, I was staring at the Pretty Librarian without realizing I was doing it. This was after the night when she'd had a migraine and I stayed with her in the darkened hotel room holding her hand. I was feeling pretty sexually wrought up. She wondered why I was looking at her and I apologized and explained it was because she was really pretty, then made much more effort to look away.

At my birthday party one of my friends made a joke about nibbling on a woman's neck; she indicated that the reality would be unwelcome and he pursued it verbally a bit. I said if he nibbled on hers, I would nibble on his (he's quite straight). He walked over to me and kind of craned his neck, so I did. (His wife complains that she was doing something else and missed most of it; he complains that my beard tickled.) Note: Not wanting your neck nibbled by a man when you're a straight man isn't homophobia, it's simply not being into that person or situation the same as the woman not wanting it was.

My Terrible Secret

So, I think I finally have a handle on the horrible secret I've been feeling I have that will never allow me to have a fulfilling marriage. And it's the only thing that makes me feel unmanly; not necking with a guy (long story), not that I like to cook or sew sometimes, not that I've gone folk dancing purely of my own accord. Ready for it?

I don't like lack of enthusiasm.

Regular readers already know a lot about this. I don't like rape. I don't fantasize about it. There is no secret forbidden thrill of "what if I could do this for real" when acting it out.

It goes further though. The real killer from my perspective is that if a woman isn't interested in me I likewise have no interest in her at all. I don't care what she looks like, it's irrelevant. You could line up every star of stage and screen and porn flick in a huge room and tell me "You can do whatever you want with them, they won't care a bit" and I wouldn't pay a dime to enter. If they were all perfectly conscious and capable of saying no but simply wouldn't because they thought it was just body mechanics, and they wouldn't regret anything that happened, and somehow there was nothing shady about the whole deal? I have no interest at all.

Words like "girly" or "gay" tend to be used to indicate unmanliness. I wouldn't associate this attitude with either group. But it feels profoundly unmanly to me. Men are supposed to want attractive women regardless of what the women want; we are just supposed to hold ourselves in check and be polite. I don't HAVE to hold myself in check, I don't want that at all.

There might be a temptation to think that I'm bragging about being the perfect guy, what every woman wants. I would have thought that once; not for a long time now. How much of women's fantasy is based on the woman being wanted despite her attitude? Why do the bodices get ripped in a bodice-ripper? So many of the women I know in meatspace have rape fantasies; actually every one of them that's told me one way or the other. They don't want to have them with a guy who would have zero sexual interest in them if they played hard-to-get. And in popular culture; when is the last time you saw a rom-com featuring a guy who doesn't fall for the girl until she shows interest?

That's why this makes me feel unmanly where nothing else does. There seriously aren't a lot of women who would object to me cooking or sewing or folk-dancing for a split second. There are a fucking metric buttload who would never feel like a woman with a man who didn't want their body as an object at all.

My question at this point is how many women would really, deep down, want a man who felt like I do?

My ex is into consensual non-consent

Rook is one of the people who have stayed close to me, my ex, and her new guy the Saturnine Thespian. After she and her husband finished telling me about the 6-person orgy they were involved in recently [which I mention so you'll know why Rook hears more about people's kinks than most people do], I brought up my theory of lack of objectification being part of the problem with my ex. Rook confirmed it strongly and told me that my ex was really into consensual non-consent; something I'd been suspecting for a while now since she left. While I never asked "Are you into consensual non-consent?", I asked so many times what my ex wanted, what she was into, and she never answered.

How much misery and (on my part) suicidal depression could have been avoided if she'd just had the guts to answer honestly? How much joy could have resulted? Ain't my favorite thing, but if she had told me JUST ONCE, I could have started acting the part and reading the nonverbal signals at least some of the time. But as a comedian I'm too lazy to look up said, "I'm not going to fucking rape you on the off chance you're into that shit." [UPDATE: PerverseCowgirl points out it was Louis CK.]

Fuck. Years of mutual heartache over some embarrassment. How the hell can it be more embarrassing to say it than to play it, anyway?

Desired Objectification

I think I've found one of the things that went wrong between my ex and I. I really want to understand what went wrong because I feel like that will help me with my feeling that something mysterious is wrong with me that will ruin any future relationships.

Recently I've seen a lot of women talking about fantasies involving objectification (esp. dollification), and read this post involving it: Sexual Harassment and Men. A particularly relevant paragraph, quoted in turn from Shakesville, is

It is a conversation I've had before with trans women, with fat cis women, women with noticeable physical disabilities, and with a women who has severe craniofacial deformities-the "I don't want to be treated like a piece of meat or an object or a possession, but because Visible Women are treated like pieces of meat and objects and possessions, the fact that I'm not makes me feel like I'm not even a woman" conversation...

Now, I've always considered myself extraordinarily good at not objectifying women. My recurring fantasies all focus on volition, which kind of rules out objectification. I'm also better than most at not staring, etc. But I'm just now realizing that this was probably one of the major sources of problems between my ex and I.

She used to say to me, "Do you mind if I look at you like a piece of meat?" I always said sure, while trying to hide the fact that the phrase made me kind of uncomfortable. I don't like the idea of being objectified. I think it would be flattering if someone wanted to dollify me, except that it would be insulting to my mind and will that the situation would be improved if they were left out. But the fact she was using that phrase indicates it wasn't an objectionable idea to her.

She told me once that she didn't feel attractive to me. This made no sense to me at the time, because I complimented her all the time. My pet names for her were things like Pretty, Beautiful, Gorgeous. There was the way I'd always run to her when she'd mention she was going to be naked, and tell her how gorgeous she was. And, of course, there was how much I always wanted sex with her.

But, I insisted on her mind and will being involved. Earlier, when I was less desperate, if she wasn't particularly into it, I'd suggest we save it up for later. I was always wanting her to do things involving her mind, like dressing up, playacting, telling me her ideas and fantasies. And it was to the almost total exclusion of wanting to use her body. And I think now that that was a constant insult to her looks. Men are expected to objectify, and lots of (most? nearly all?) women want it under the right circumstances, and I'm pretty sure she was one of them. So, I think always asking for her mind, and never just for her body, made her feel that her body was unattractive, which was of course one of the best possible ways to make sure she didn't want to have sex with me.

I think I'll probably write this up for her in an email and ask her about it; since she felt unattractive, maybe explaining it will help her now. That kind of thing doesn't go away with time all that quickly.

Being an Asshole through Inordinate Humility

Part of humility is not overrating the degree and quality of one's own talents and gifts; underrating them does not make one more humble. Another part is not overatting the importance or merit of those gifts, or oneself. I'm thinking in terms of people like Wagner, who think their gifts mean they deserve special treatment from the world around them.

Underrating one's gifts is not really humility and can be bad in many ways. For one thing, you may not use them to the fullest. But what I want to talk about is that you may not be sufficiently careful with them.

I know, even deep down, I'm very strong; stronger than I look. At Aikido once, we were practicing a throw that involved taking an opponent's (uke's) legs out from under them; it was a difficult fall we hadn't practiced much, and there were some bad backs and shoulders present, so we were supposed to help ease the uke's fall with the other arm. I simply picked them up, turned them sideways, and set them gently down on the mat. After I did this to my teacher, a muscular six-footer, he said "It's like he's holding a baby isn't it?" If I thought I was weak, if I wasn't careful, if I acted like certain small thin sedentary people of my acquaintance in college, I would really hurt people. I have to know that I'm stronger than they and must act differently.

Deep down, I don't really believe people are attracted to me. Sure, I know it on the surface, but not deep down. So I haven't been, and am not, as careful as I should have been. A small example that hit me recently was when I was at the last Dorian's Parlor, in my tux and tophat, with my hair down and flowing over my shoulders. (I have really nice hair; if I saw it on a woman I'd love it.) Sparkly Girl was saying how sexy I looked, which I took as mostly kindness. Playing along I said, how about if I do my Rudolph Valentino look (source), and demonstrated. The smile fled from her face, she looked down, and said, "Don't do that." And it wasn't because I did it wrong and looked like a serial killer focusing on an intended victim (which you totally do if you try this and miss.) She actually found me so attractive that it bothered her. And I find that very hard to assimilate. I know it, but I don't really believe it.

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that this is not the fault of women in general or even my exes in specific. I've had this problem for a long time, and while it was reinforced by the way my marriages have gone wrong, it was not created that way. Lots of women have been very kind in terms of trying to help me over this; but it's not so easy. (Some other time I'll talk a bit about what I'm actually thinking when complimented, and why it doesn't convince me of what the more logical level of my brain thinks is true.)

It's not just attractiveness; I don't think that's even the biggest part. I also don't think anyone can love me once they get to know me well enough. The 'not attractive' issue is only part of it. This is such a standard component of bad self-image that I don't think it needs further discussion here.

I think this "no one can be attracted to me or love me" may be part of the reason that some PUA types can act like assholes without having started out as one. How can you possibly break a woman's heart if she can't possibly really care about what you think or do? I'm not a PUA type, and I certainly try to be careful not to hurt anyone, but my instincts are wrong in this. When I'm trying not to hurt anyone, I'm mostly trying to make sure they know me and my flaws so they won't build their hopes around an imaginary better me and have them dashed by getting to know me. Instead of thinking they might actually like me and build up hopes for a permanent attachment. Actually I encourage that kind of hurt in a bunch of unintentional ways, like by being full of compliments. But I've realized there isn't any possibility of a permanent attachment because to me, any love a woman shows me is just showing she doesn't understand me yet. How can I allow myself to fall in love with someone that I'm sure is going to reject me?

That is the current #1 reason that I am no longer and should not be dating.

--------

Here are four videos I've seen recently that show men as attractive and desirable, all by female artists.
Kate Ryan - Libertine
Nadia Ali - Fantasy (Album Edit) (Has a contortionist!)
Nadia Ali - Fantasy (Morgan Page Remix) (Nadia Ali carries more than her share with two videos for one song, and with her lyrics in general)
Jewel - What's Simple is True

Another cheering up song.

There is something about this one that always makes me feel better, especially when I'm feeling down on myself. Hope it'll do the same for you.

Motorhead-I Got Mine

I think it's something in the unapologetic way that Lemmy growls,

It's only me babe
It's only me
Refuse disposal refugee

This Is Ponderous

A lot of the people I know online, including me, have been kind of depressed recently. To counter that a bit, I give you a fan-created video for This Is Ponderous by 2NU. Hope it cheers you up!

How my ex felt

Hmm, I think this song might sum up what my ex felt.

Matt Cerf ft. Jaren - Let Me Breathe (Noel Sanger & Shawn Mitiska Mix)

I woke up next to you today
Knowing you had to leave forever
We cannot continue this way
I see in your face the eyes of a stranger

Like a hidden power…dormant
My future is trapped inside of me
For all those years I have been patient
With you I cannot set it free

Let me breathe
I’m suffocating I can’t take it
Let me breathe
I’m afraid that I won’t make it

Let me…

Let me breathe
I’m suffocating I can’t take it
Let me breathe
I’m afraid that I won’t make it

One thing I'm not is controlling, which one might infer from the suffocating/with you I cannot set it free. But I think she felt that way more because of the commitment, and her unhappiness with it. Makes it a very sad song for me. To compound it, Jaren, the blonde woman in the stills, is the one who looks a lot like my ex.

Since I realized I really wasn't sufficiently over her, I've kind of been wallowing in it to try to get all the way over it. It's not helping. I think I'm underutilizing my valuable powers of denial and repression at this stage; they're there for a reason.

Sorry for few posts

Right now I'm primarily working, commuting, and consuming caffeine to make up for a lack of sleep. I have a couple of thoughts that sound like they'll make interesting posts someday, but that might be the 5-Hour Energy or tea or sugar-free Red Bull or Jolt energy gum talking.

Sugar-free Red Bull, by the way, tastes like the strawberries that Lucifer grows in Hades for the torment of lost souls.

Why do men like women who are jerks? Or, do they?

I happened to come across this video (Beatrice - Electroshock) while browsing the Internet. (OK, it was a link from a Caramell video). Now there's a number of things that I quite like about it, like the extensive focus on the singer's face, and her nice smile. But it brought up something I'd like to talk about here.

The chorus is

I'm like electro, electroshock
I'm cruel, I'm cold, I'm burning hot

My reaction is "You're cruel and cold? Well, thanks for your honesty, bye-bye!" I started wondering why that isn't the obvious and overwhelmingly common reaction to such a statement, and noticed this is the mirror of the hackneyed "Why do women like men who are jerks?" question. And I think that while "Why do men like jerks?" gets very little mention, women's insensitivity or cruelty is is shown far more openly than men's.

It's a chance, gonna move
gonna fuck up your ego
silly boy, gonna make you cry
Shiny Toy Guns - Le Disko*

So, it seems that at least some singers and/or producers think cruelty or callousness from women appeals to men. I think probably less frequently than they think. But, on the other hand, it's obviously not simple myth.

She'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
...
blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me
Billy Joel - She's Always A Woman**

I find that the idea that men like women who are jerks is, like a lot of sexist ideas, insulting to women and men both. It's insulting to men because we men aren't supposed to know any better, we're supposed to just accept it if a woman is a jerk to us; I guess because we're supposed to be so desperate for a warm hole that fits in a dress with a small size number. It's insulting to women because we men aren't supposed to care about their character at all, or even worse in the case of the Billy Joel song, the implication that lack of character is actually characteristic of being a woman.

I think that callousness or cruelty from women is shown much more openly because men are expected to be more dangerous. And when you think people are going to think you're dangerous, one reaction is to try and assure them you're not. Here you all see my most unhinged rants, in real life I'm extremely mild; and a big part of that is because I'm armed. My leather/punk/biker phase was before I started carrying a gun; now it's a 10mm under a wool cardigan that Mr. Rogers might wear. In cases like this, I think women do not feel like saying they are cruel and cold is all that threatening, and like me in the punk/biker phase, they want to be at least dangerous enough not to be pushed around. And I think that threatening words from women are given a bit more of a pass.

If I were you
I'd dare not speak
I'd run like hell
In hopes of seeing tomorrow
Dash Berlin with Cerf Mitiska & Jaren - Man On The Run***

I think that coming off as cruel, cold, or uncaring is a counterproductive action for this purpose however; if you are being dangerous by being cruel and cold, you are not encouraging people to be kind, you are encouraging them to be distant and uninvolved.

So why do some men like women that are jerks? I don't have an answer. I suppose sometimes it's a submissive thing, usually unacknowledged, though the jerk thing is repellent to my particular submissive thinking. Probably sometimes it's the fulfillment of the insulting implications I just listed. There really are men who would gloss over character the same way as I try (and sometimes fail) to gloss over looks.


--------


* My reaction to the Le Disko lyrics is much stronger, more like "Get the fuck away before I get a restraining order!" Also, I am so glad that I don't look as vulnerable as the boy in the video and attract women with such an attitude. Which should not be taken as a criticism of those of you who are attracted to such boys and genuinely like them and want to treat them well. Or taken as criticism of those who think this video is hot; in at least one case I can guess it and understand your reasons. :)

** I always hated this song for the sentiments expressed; and I think Billy Joel being as famous as he is, he'd stop singing this song if he hated it. Billy Joel (or, say, Madonna) can probably be held more responsible for what they sing than Beatrice or Shiny Toy Guns at this stage of their careers.

*** I thought it was interesting that the singer looks a lot like my ex; she looks even more like my ex in this one, though.

Working with my mental blocks

I've mentioned here that I haven't found anyone but my ex really that physically desirable in person; I have a mental block created for the purpose of loyalty to her that I can't really get rid of right now. Likely for the best. So I decided that I'd like to apply that to her; if there's anybody in the world for whom my desire would really fuck me up, it's her. So I pondered that for a while, and it seems to have worked. I saw her twice recently, at my birthday party (I invited her and her boyfriend, but only she could make it) and at a costume event this Saturday, where she was with her boyfriend and wearing the steampunk costume that she never wore for me that I used to think was was so hot. It seems to have worked; there was nothing, which is definitely for the best. I still think it's a hot costume, and I still think she's an attractive woman, but now I don't feel anything about either; they are irrelevant to me in sexual terms.

Sometimes we make our crazy work for us. :)

Um

So, I get the feeling that the woman I was talking about before reads this blog. She didn't say as much. But when I vented about what I didn't like about her looks, trying to make myself feel better for her personality not overriding her looks in my estimation, I think she read that. I used to be free with links to it, I probably gave her one or she got it off my FetLife profile before I removed it. Or she could have just found me because I use Mousie762 both places. Which was probably not smart.

If you are reading this, I'm so very sorry.

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day! To Americans and others who like the idea of a nation founded on ideas of liberty that were almost unthinkable both then (freedom with religion and speech) and now (freedom with drugs and artillery and income).

I hate me

Well, I told that sweet, kind, loving woman who thought the world of me that I wasn't feeling desire for her or anyone else. After basically leading her on by overestimating myself and believing I could feel desire where I should have. And failing. And I inflicted wounds I have no power to heal on that heart that has already suffered so much. And telling her this truth was the only thing I could do, but I hate myself because of what the truth was.

She tried to get me to promise not to beat myself up about this, but I knew I couldn't keep that promise.

Desire and compromise 2

A more organized, less rambling, and more complete version of the main theme from my last post.

The woman I'm dating right now does not have a conventionally attractive appearance. It's far enough from the conventionally attractive that she has had a lot of experience with people showing interest in her online profile then losing interest when they see her picture, and she had pretty much given up on it and was planning to remove it.

I find that I do not really desire her, but it seems so far that I do not really desire anybody. The idea of sex with anyone except my ex is just not real to me, and it seems to short-circuit my libido. Especially with conventionally attractive women; I recognize how good they look, but it's sort of irrelevant. I can intellectually think that sex with them would/should be desirable, but there isn't any of the kind of desire that previously set my mind fantasizing or fighting off fantasies. Some kind of automatic mechanism slams the shutters on that kind of thought before it gets started. Considering that the only exception to this is when I see my ex, I figure this is largely a mechanism I built up in the days I was married.

I can't tell how much of my lack of desire is from the general case and how much is specific to this one woman.

My girlfriend right now apparently finds me more or less exactly what she wished for, except that I'm messy. But I do not find myself desiring her sexually. I like her. I think she's a wonderful person. She is probably even more eager to please than I am, which is not something I ever thought I'd find. And she is extraordinarily good at those things that we allow ourselves to do; for example I've never been kissed anything like that before. And she has a extremely active imagination, highly compatible with mine. She is extremely kind and I think she would do just about anything for me; so much so that I'm very careful what I say about what I might like.

I think she deserves a good man, and I think given the search she's told me about over past years that she isn't all that likely to find a better match, and I know she thinks she won't. I've told her as delicately as I could that her body isn't really my ideal, and she basically responded with the idea that she could make me attracted to her some day (as she continues to lose weight, and as she is no longer limited by my abstinence.) I told her because I don't want to be lying to her when I do and say things to make her feel good.

The easy thing to say is that she wouldn't want someone who doesn't desire her. But I don't think that's really true. Certainly lots of rich men date or marry beautiful young women; and certainly they're mostly not fools enough to think it's them that's desired, rather than their money. I am in the position of the gold-digger, except I want the love and devotion she offers rather than her money. (I make quite a bit more, BTW, and I pay for everything unless she argues.) She may think that being with someone who acts out of love, and gratitude for what she does for him, is much better than being alone. I certainly would have been overjoyed had my ex treated me the way I would treat her, which is an extension of the way I act now.

But the way I act now I see as a problem. I'm driving and exaggerating and to some extent even playacting my interest. And that is exactly what I should be doing if we were already married and I felt the same way, but it's not what I think I should be doing now. Now is the time to show the ugliest truths.

So what I'm thinking I should do, for my sake rather than hers, is explain the problem and try to take it back to a friend kind of level; and resume looking, but in a very low-key, friendship only kind of way. See who I meet. I think she's very unique, but I was only looking a couple of months. How would I know?

Desire and compromise

Here's some rambling, poorly organized thoughts that I really want to get out but don't have the time to organize as I'd like.

So, a bit after I decided to date one woman exclusively, we talked and realized she would be unable to move to my house if we married; we'd have to buy a home near her so her kids can stay in the same school district. It's an artifact of the shared custody with the father. I'm quite attached to my house and own it outright (no mortgage), so moving is not appealing to me. Then, there's the fact I never wanted kids. And, though it shames me to say it, there's her appearance. Between full-body massage and play I've seen a lot of her. I kinda don't want to say anything, but I also I feel like I've got to unburden myself about this somewhere, and it's going to be here. [REDACTED - I vented about what I don't like and now I'm over it.]

I hate the fact that the looks bother me. But they do. Sexy play feels more like it's for her sake than mine. I never think about what I could do with her except when I'm trying to make her happy and do something for her. I react exactly like the stereotype of the low-sex-drive, not-stimulated-visually woman reacting to a man. A nice, eager-to-please woman to be sure, but still like the stereotype of the woman who gives sex due to kindness rather than her own desire.

On the other hand there are a lot of good things about her. She is probably even more eager to please me than I am to please her, which is not something I ever thought I'd find. And she is extraordinarily good at those things that we allow ourselves to do; for example I've never been kissed anything like that before. And she has a extremely active imagination, highly compatible with mine. She is extremely kind and I think she would do just about anything for me; enough so that I'm careful not to ask.

She's such a nice person, and it's not fair about her looks. I have this urge to make the universe more fair by marrying her and being devoted to her the rest of my life, which complicates all my thinking. I imagine she probably wouldn't want it for that reason. On the other hand, how many rich old men marry beautiful young women? The idea that she is a great person and deserves at least as good a guy as me seems at least better than a money motive.

Every time I think about breaking up with someone, I think, "How dare I? Doesn't she deserve as least as good as me?"

Another thing is that I really haven't wanted anyone that much since my ex left. Apparently I trained myself for monogamy really well, such that I can't just turn it off. Every time I see my ex (every other month or so) there is a flood of desire, but I haven't felt it for anyone else. So is that more the problem than my girlfriend's appearance?

PerverseCowgirl was correct in comments some time ago, it was too soon for me to be dating, except that I needed the experience. I needed to know someone could want me. It's still very hard to believe.

UPDATE after Ozymandias's comment: Weeks ago, I broached the subject of lack of attraction as delicately as I could. She reacted with verbal persuasion to stay with her.

Real women and real men

A troll named Dudequest (no link due to no respect) over at Ozymandias's prompted me to consider my view of gender roles. I think there are a set of virtues that comprise being a "real man" and another set that comprise being a "real woman." However, none of them are mutually exclusive, opposed, nor contradictory, and none of them become vices when exemplified by the opposite gender. It possible for the same person to be at the same time more of a real man than most men and more of a real woman than most women, and the difficulty is only in living up to so many virtues at the same time. Not any kind of conflicting values/virtues issue. By reason of cultural conditioning or differing hormone makeup it tends to be easier for men to exemplify the "real man" virtues and women to exemplify the "real woman" virtues, but they are by no means exclusive.

Robert A. Heinlein famously said in "Time Enough for Love"

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

Virtue is like that; though many are more common in one gender than another, none are the exclusive province of one gender, and in my view as a Christian the lack of any virtue will not be excused by the idea that's the other gender's speciality.

So, for example, I think Lieutenant General Sir Robert Baden-Powell, for example, was more a real man than almost anyone ever, but at the same time more of a real woman than, say, Twisty Faster. And Elizabeth Moon, judging by her characters like Paksenarrion or Heris Serrano, is far more a real man than Dudequest as well as likewise more a real woman than Twisty.

Given that these virtues are not exclusive to one gender or the other, why identify them with gender? That can be embarrassing for a girl that has better-developed "real man" virtues or a boy that has better-developed "real woman" virtues. To go a little further, it can lead to people who, lacking any virtues at all, try to pretend their very lack of the opposite gender's traditional virtues is in itself a virtue. E.g., a man with no compassion who claims he's not a pussy or a woman with no courage who claims not to be poisoned with testosterone; that man probably has no courage and that woman probably has no compassion.

The reason not to get rid of the gender identification is that we just don't have a good alternative way of inspiring or teaching these virtues yet. And it's much better for society if the virtues are divided half-and-half than if no one has them. The perfect is the enemy of the good. If the branch you are sitting on needs pruning, move to another one BEFORE you saw it off. It's ridiculously easy to see the flaws in the old system, and damnably hard to create a new one that's actually better. Experiments with significantly different moral teachings on the large scale tend to result in more death and misery than anything else in history except maybe the Black Plague. Meanwhile, recognize and praise courage in women and compassion in men as well as the other way around, there's lots out there to see and that'll get you farther towards finding a better, less gendered way to inspire courage and compassion.

A different rebuttal

Still very short on posting time, and sleeping time. I hope to make some time to write because I've got a number of things I'd like to talk about. Right now I want to make a quick comment on something while it's still somewhat topical; Andrew Klavan's I Blame Women article in which he claims that women encourage mistreatment by lots of amorous attention for men who treat them poorly, and Anwyn's response, about how it's untrue of women in general.

I agree that it's untrue of women in general, though there seems to be a sufficient number of women who reward mistreatment to make it seem advisable. But I have a different comment to make on this. My comment is that I don't care if it works or not. The reason to treat women well is not that it makes women want to sleep with you. It doesn't even work when done with that motive; the motive is what makes women despise "nice guys." It's because it is the right thing to do.

Maybe done with the right motive it does work, certainly I've had some friends offer to have sex with me in plain English. Maybe on the other hand it's because I'm tall, or presentable, or unattainable. But that's not the point; you do right because it is right, not because it gets results.

****
P.S.

I recently found out from my Hindu coworkers that doing your work or duty because it is right, not because of the reward, is in fact the Hindu principle of Karma. It is in stark opposition to the "what comes around goes around" idea of Karma we have in the West. "If you expect fruits for your actions, you will have to come back into this world to enjoy such fruits. You will have to take birth again". Or, "Do all works without expectation of fruits." (source)

Sigh

People are getting a lot of justified amusement out of Harold Camping's prediction of the Rapture tonight. This thing with a few gullible Christians, like most problems Christians have, would not be a problem if we would actually read and follow the Bible.

21 You may say to yourselves, “How can we know when a message has not been spoken by the LORD?” 22 If what a prophet proclaims in the name of the LORD does not take place or come true, that is a message the LORD has not spoken. That prophet has spoken presumptuously. Do not be afraid of him.
Deuteronomy 18:21-22, 1984 NIV

The last date Harold Camping predicted for the rapture was Sept. 6, 1994. Didn't happen then either.

What if it was Sept 5, 1994, and we didn't already know Harold Camping was a false prophet? Well, that's covered too.

36 “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. 37 As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 38 For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; 39 and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 40 Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. 41 Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.

42 “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. 43 But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. 44 So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.
Matthew 36-44. 1984 NIV

I'm going to be in New Jersey with my parents for dinner where I don't have all the guns and food. Definitely not what I would be doing if I were expecting earthquakes.

Only one girlfriend now

I broke up with the other two. I feel kind of terrible because I feel so unjustified and unworthy of having been in the position of choosing among women in the first place. One had some things in common with my first wife that I was unable to see past; she handled the breakup like a saint. The other, the extremely pretty one, just spent the better part of an hour telling me that I'd made the wrong decision but she wouldn't take me back if I asked. Also, she was very critical about the multiple-dates thing, which I think was fair, and critical that I didn't give her much of a chance, which was also fair; however there was only one way for me to stop multiple dating which was to stop giving someone further chances. So as I reflect on those breakup experiences, it reinforces my feeling that I made the right choice to break up with the pretty one.

My now one and only girlfriend thought I was breaking up with her before, and handled that experience so kindly. Like the student pastor who reminded me too much of my first wife, it's a real contrast with the pretty one.

I guess honestly I'm kind of glad for the multiple dating thing because I could potentially have married any one of them and I only dated one of them I would only have had a one in three chance of finding the one I'm with now. And if I had only dated her alone I think I might not have realized how uniquely lovely her heart is and been able to see past her looks.

Standing up when no one else will

Vigilantes Band Together to Protect Sex Workers (h/t Instapundit)

It would be nice if this were not necessary. But this is a valuable reminder of one of the fundamental principles of good policing formulated by Sir Robert Peel when he founded the once-exemplary Metropolitan Police Force:

Police, at all times, should maintain a relationship with the public that gives reality to the historic tradition that the police are the public and the public are the police; the police being only members of the public who are paid to give full-time attention to duties which are incumbent upon every citizen in the interests of community welfare and existence.

Rambling

The woman I sent the break-up email to turned out to have a really good reason for leaving her husband that does not leave him a good man in my opinion at all; she just hadn't wanted to talk about it. So, there's still three.

I feel like an ungrateful asshole because I'm agonizing over the fact I've got three girlfriends (all of whom know I have other girlfriends). How many guys would love to have this problem? But, it genuinely bugs me more than loneliness did.

I must be a very inefficient person. I am totally exhausted and badly short on sleep from my 8-hr-a-day job, the commute, and the dates. Saturday I'm not planning to meet anyone (except maybe my acupuncturist) or do anything (except maybe get accurately punctured), and I'm so looking forward to it.

And then there were two

Last night I sent a break-up email to one of the three women I was dating. It was the pretty one with the great body, who was very outspoken about not requiring us to wait for marriage for sex (or, for that matter, longer than we had already). Those are certainly plusses. It's nice to feel like I'm not simply being abstinent due to lack of opportunity. But she didn't feel as I do that love was something one does and makes, not something that just happens to one. She'd left a husband that she admits was a good man. And I really (really, really) do not want to go through another divorce. The other two women both strove mightily to stay with some really bad husbands, cheating and worse, and though I'm not perfect, I am certainly not a really bad guy. I think I want someone who is devoted to marriage, as I am, more than I want most things.

I probably should have called, but I hate the phone. And we've only been on four dates, not super close. Boy, I hate this part. I don't get the feeling that she'll be too hurt, thank God. But this morning my head is running through a list of all the things that were particularly good about her.

One of the other two is going to be really hurt. They both know that I'm dating other women. But they're both really into me. I'm thinking about how hurt one of them is going to be, all the time. Not really cheerful anymore.

In not really related news, here's the song that's stuck in my head:

Ferry Corsten feat Maria Nayler - We Belong (Tritonal Air Up There Remix)

Cheerful and generally not dead

I am just checking in to say things are going pretty well and I'm definitely not dead. But I'm still really short on writing time.

Not going to be posting much here for a while.

I'm not going to be posting much here for a while; not that I have been. There are two reasons:

I'm starting a new 3-month job and trying to get things done before I start. (Taxes, visiting with friends).

The main thing I'd like to talk about is the various people I'm dating; but I'm planning to show any potential wife this blog at some point; at least before engagement. And I don't want to have too much possibly erroneous first impressions recorded.

What's starting to look inevitable is that I am going to have to tell someone I really like that it's not going to work; there are currently three women I'm dating, they all know I'm dating other women, but none of them seem to be deciding I'm not the right one because I'm kinky or a slob or anything. And all of them seem like really nice people.

A failure from a very successful date.

Last night I was on a very successful first date. We talked for four hours in the restaurant, closing it down; then in the parking lot we hugged, I asked her if she'd like a kiss, and after the kiss she kept initiating, and it turned into a four-hour (11 to 3am) standing in a public parking lot make-out session. I had to rein it in in some ways; e.g. several times I needed to move her hands off my crotch.

The thing I think of as a failure was when (without genital contact) she was clearly enjoying herself, then said, "I'm going to come." What I should have done was moved to less interesting parts of her body, and said, "We need to slow down." But in the moment all I could think of was pulling away in a way that would make her feel like she'd suddenly turned disgusting, or continuing. I continued.

Because, deep down, I continually underestimate both my own attractiveness and some women's ability to orgasm, I was totally unprepared for that situation, and didn't see my options. It's always better to think things through beforehand, but frankly deep down I thought even if someone could come that easily, that it wouldn't apply with me.

In Christianity, we are all sinners. What I do now is decide how not to do it again, and confess it to God and trust in His grace; His grace is what makes Christianity unique.

I'm going to have to talk with her about limits before I see her again. Never thought I might need such a talk on the first date.

God save me, I am going to have to turn women down sometimes.

I thought that the way dating would go would be that I would just be honest until women ran away, and if some day one didn't run away I'd marry her.

I was on dates Friday night and an all day date Sunday (met her at her church Sunday morning). My Friday night date just texted me letting me know that she hasn't heard enough from me (one text and one email) since then. Sunday night I talked to another woman who sounds really fascinating on Fetlife and set up a date this coming Friday, and got a new contact from eHarmony and OKCupid. I also found that A. in Louisiana has started a new relationship there, which is probably best for both of us, though she's really a really good prospect by Mousie standards.

These things seem to come in bursts, with pauses in between when there's almost nothing.

Chair-based Backrub Tips

Here's some tips on giving a good backrub to someone in a chair, which is probably the most common way do do it. We're going to call the person getting the backrub the patient, because we need to call them something and it's denotationally accurate even if the masseuse/masseur is not a doctor. Have the patient sit in an armless chair, reversed, with their arms resting on top of the chairback and their chin on their arms. As far as possible, you want to allow the muscles you're working on to relax; relieve them of their job of supporting whatever body part they support. This chair position allows a pretty decent amount of relaxation in the shoulders and lower back, usually the worst problem areas. The middle back will be somewhat tensed with keeping it straight, but without a table you can't have everything. Never fight the muscle: never try to push it out of place when it's tensed to provide actual support. That hurts and does nothing for them. If the patient wears a bra, it's best if they remove that while leaving the shirt on, or failing that it's good if they just unsnap the back - tight straps really get in the way.

Start off with what they expect; kneading their shoulders with your hands. Don't keep that up too long, though, because your hands will wear out quickly. Move to working the large back muscles on both sides of the spine with your knuckles or the heels of your hands. It's the same sort of thing you started out naturally doing with your thumbs, but now you can use your body weight by leaning in rather than just hand strength. If you're small, you'll want to do a lot of your work from standing up, if you're big, you'll mostly want to sit behind them. Without oil, when you are working deep use very short strokes and frequent repositioning.

Work your way down on both sides of the spine; use your knuckles especially near the shoulders and on problem spots, and the heels of your hands after you get down past the ribcage. Feel where the thick muscle is and where is ribs or thin muscle over organs; go very lightly except on thick muscle. When you get down to the pelvis, if their clothing allows it (belts get in the way), work out to both sides then back in again. Work up and down several times. Work the rhomboids between the shoulder blades.

The muscles stretching from the shoulders to the neck and the neck itself usually really need work but are a problem from a sitting position. The best solution I've found is to have the patient lean back against you with their head on one of your shoulders and use the hand strength you've been saving, and just knead the muscles. If you can have the patient lie on their back, on a bed or on the floor, it will work much better; have them do so, then use your knuckles or the edge of your hands to work the upper shoulders. Rub the muscles in the neck much more lightly, they're comparatively small. The sides of your thumbs are good for that if they're leaning against you, or the sides of your fingers if they're lying down.

After your hands are pretty much tired of deep work, try an effleurage stroke. With them in the chair leaning on the chairback again, or flipped on their face on a bed, put your hands together flat against their back at the base of the spine. If their clothing will permit, stroke with a flat hand and moderate pressure up to the neck, bringing your fingertips with light pressure to the base of the skull, then out over the tops of their shoulders, back in toward the base of the neck, hands back together, and back down to the base of the spine. At the base of the spine, stroke out to both sides of the pelvis, then back in to where you started, and repeat. The trick with this stroke is smoothly modifying the pressure depending on where you are and where they're sore. Rook, for example, is very sensitive on her lower back, so the pressure must be very light there, but most people like moderate pressure there. Too much pressure on the neck is bad, but a lot between the shoulder blades (on the rhomboids) is usually good.

There's something that may be some kind of special natural talent that some people have and some don't, but it's always seemed to me that everybody could do this if they would focus their mind and get their heart into it. That is feeling what would feel good to the person you're working on. After I get started and into it, I can kind of sense what kind of pressure (heavy, light, broad, pointed) is needed in which place. Open your mind and imagine what would feel good, and then try what you imagined.

What is wrong with my immune system this year?

What is wrong with my immune system this year? Two really bad colds and now a stomach virus. Yuck.

Flexible and inflexible kink

It seems to me that kink tends to run in clusters. People are into pain, not so much a certain kind of pain; they're usually a bit flexible about how the pain is created. Or people are into dominating, but how they want to dominate, they can be kind of flexible about.

I think that's because the kink is connecting to some sort of emotional need, even though most people don't seem to know what the need it is. Other things connect to the same need. People have favorite methods, but they can be flexible about the method as long as it connects to the right need.

An example of the flexibility I have in mind is that I was never particularly interested in pain. Then I started meeting women who were, who were deeply enthusiastic about the sensation just because it was an extreme sensation, and I am certainly into that. I suppose I'm still not into pain as pain, but I am pretty enthusiastic about making someone shudder ecstatically with a growl and an arm twist or a violet wand. That same thought, though, would be sickening and repellent with a woman who wasn't clear about enjoying it.

Or from the other side, I was never interested in receiving pain. It doesn't do anything for me in itself. But I can easily imagine tying it into my submissive need to show/prove my desire for her, say by a game where I stuck needles through my own skin for touches from my lover.

Then there's other stuff where I'm not flexible. I have very hard limits on verbal humiliation; only very specific kinds are OK. A lot of kinds that I've heard don't connect with my "lift my partner up" emotional need, so it feels to me like the emotional abuse that it is on the surface. Or orgasm denial; that's basically my nightmare made real. Both of those things are liked by many other people when they're playing submissive, but they don't serve my emotional needs.

Not as much of a hard sell as I thought.

Um, apparently the abstinent Christian kinky switch thing is not quite the problem I thought. My eHarmony and OKCupid and FetLife profiles all mention it up front, and I spent basically all day yesterday in various forms of Internet communication with six different women who had contacted me. The most exciting one by a lot at this point in our knowledge of each other is in Louisiana, quite far away, though. (If you read this, A., Hi!)

And someone else contacted me as I was typing this. This is very weird for me. Not what I thought would happen. Am I overselling myself? I'm trying to be honest but my profiles don't list all my flaws, like my struggles with laziness and depression.

Wicked Faire

I'm just back from Wicked Faire. I felt like I was at home at last. It was pretty awesome. I tried a violet wand on my arm and attended a couple of seminars on basic rope bondage, as well as some Western martial arts seminars, music, etc.

The Pretty Librarian said she'd like to go along after I'd reserved a room, so I gave her the bed and took the floor (I insisted). I brought my massage table, but just as I was getting people lined up to use it Saturday night she got a really bad migraine and sent me a text message that ended "hlp?" Aww, poor thing. So I spent about 10:00pm to 12:45 in our darkened room finding her gatorade and cold compresses and holding her hand and telling her what I'd seen that day so far and after she started feeling somewhat better giving her shoulder, neck and light scalp massage. I was kneeling by the head of the massage table to work on her shoulders while she made appreciative noises, and it was quite dark but not so dark that I couldn't see her dark-painted lips against her pale skin, just a foot or two from mine. It wouldn't have been the time to try something if I was going to, her still being in pain from the headache, but keeping my thoughts in line there was DIFFICULT. Hadn't been planning on all the handholding in the dark etc. I did kiss her goodnight on top of the head when she was feeling better and snuggled back into bed but that's within my boundaries anyway. She sighed happily. Big things in the life of an abstinent sexblogger.

I don't actually have much of a foot fetish.

I don't actually have much of a foot fetish. I thought I did because I'm so attracted to footjobs. But it's not actually that I have a lot of inherent interest in feet; it's that I have a much easier time imagining a woman touching me with her feet than the rest of her. I also have a thing for women who are wearing gloves for the same reason; I can more easily imagine a gloved than ungloved handjob.

This hangup I have that women don't want sex with me is one that is not matched by what women actually say. I know a couple of attractive women locally that have said they would be enthusiastic if I just weren't abstinent. I wonder if I will ever really get over the hangup other than with the woman I marry?

Lecturer

O dear internet, who could I whinge to if not thee?

One woman who previously had some potential gets a nickname here, the Lecturer.

Sunday night I got an extensive lecture via OKCupid IM about what's wrong with my attitude towards porn. Tonight I got an extensive lecture via OKCupid IM about how the idea I would not object if my wife circulated nude photos of herself for men to masturbate to*, plus the fact I like to come in a woman's face**, means I don't value women. Failing to object to the photos means I want a whore not a wife (her words). Basically apparently if I treat her like she has her own mind and may make her own decisions means I don't value her (like I would a valuable object). Longtime readers know that my real problem is that I don't value women. Right.

This is definitely not going to work with the Lecturer. She is arrogant and doesn't know it because she believes her opinions come from the clear word of the Bible, without her interpreting them.



*Actually this isn't really true, now that I have more time to think about it, I would object.

**For those who are not longtime readers I'm really into having my face smeared with a woman's juice in an analgous way. And the Lecturer knew that but forgot or ignored it or something.

Sad

My ex came over to lend me her sewing machine for some costume work and we chatted for a while. I found I still really miss her and I think I saw in her eyes that she misses me; I think both of us got a tiny bit misty though the conversation didn't acknowledge it at all. It's so hard sometimes.

eHarmony and OKCupid

I'm sick again. Spent a couple of nights up late and hung out with someone who had it. I guess if I'm going to be sick it's best that it be while I'm unemployed.

I don't think eHarmony has much to offer for weird people like me; I've gotten a ton of "matches" and no communication. I haven't offered much communication either, I don't feel like I know anything about my "matches". eHarmony makes it really tough to be up-front and open; they rely on their matching algorithm and provide very limited space for your own words. They base communication on a special structured format that starts out with sending multiple-choice questionnaires. Might be nice for someone who has really serious trouble talking about themselves.

OKCupid is much more promising and flexible; they afford you lots of space to say things in your own words. They base matching on a huge, varied database of multiple-choice questions. You answer the question, say what answers would be acceptable in your partner, and say how important the question is in matching (could be "irrelevant"). You can also skip questions if you feel the multiple choice format just doesn't match the way you'd like to answer it. You've got to spend a good long while on answering them for better results. I found some women I sent messages to (no replies yet) and one who found my profile and contacted me. (Yay, there is possibility there!)

Mostly I've been messing around with those and FetLife recently.

News

So, I decided it's time to start looking; at least find out more about who's out there. I signed up for eHarmony and FetLife. My FetLife profile (Mousie762) talks a lot about God, and my eHarmony profile talks about sex and kink. I'm looking for a good match not a quick match.

FetLife has a bunch of very active Christian groups that I've been spending lots of time talking with.

Me and the woman I met at Dorian's, who I will call the Pretty Librarian, do not have a future together, and we've discussed that. Some fundamental incompatibilities. And I've explained about the abstinent until married thing. But we're both having fun with dating. I went to a dance with her, and afterward we went back to her place and watched a movie. Her feet hurt from the shoes she was wearing and so I rubbed them during the movie. No, I don't have so much of a foot fetish that this gets me hot; more that I like massage and like having something to do with my hands during a movie. Then, though it was pretty late and she asked if I wanted to crash there to avoid tired driving, I went home.

If the stereotypes that women don't want sex were true, that sex is something women do for the sake of the other stuff, I would be an awesome date; not only don't I push but I'm not even buying dinner and holding doors and chatting and complimenting for the sake of maybe sex sometime. However, being an awesome date for women who don't want sex could be a negative selection process for what I eventually want.

I seem to seriously compartmentalize my sexuality. It is really repressed now, and generally with people who I'm not starting to think about marrying. And I think I better keep it that way to stay sane during the abstinent dating process; for example I turn my head if anyone goes to kiss me so it lands on my cheek. Is it a sin for me to kiss women passionately who I'm not going to marry? Of course not. Will letting myself get away with whatever isn't a sin to me, make me crazy for what is a sin to me? In this particular situation, yeah.

Also it's a matter of defense-in-depth or safety margins; a failure of willpower means "Oh dear I kissed her" rather than "Oh shit I boned her." There's a whole lot more getting back under control time available between kiss and sex than between heavy petting and sex.

I have to plan this stuff, it's not easy.

Married Kink and 1 Cor 7:3-5

(This is edited from a post of mine to the Christian BDSM Bible Study group at FetLife.)

All this I'm going to apply to "in the bedroom" kink, because that's the only kind I know anything about. How to apply it to a relationship with power exchange, I don't presume to say.

1 Cor 7:3-5, NIV (in context)

3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

This passage seems to have kink implications as well as implications for sexual frequency. The way I read it, it implies that both the husband and wife should strive to fulfill the other's kinks and their desired sexual frequency; they yield authority over their own bodies. But, on the other hand, neither the husband nor the wife may demand it of the other (except of course where the demand is itself part of the consensual relationship). The possessor of the body yields it, the spouse may not make the partner feel bad by pushing for it. Especially in light of Ephesians 5:28-30 (in context)

28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of his body.

And, of course, in light of Matthew 22:37-40 (in context) and all the other myriad passages about love:

37 Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

To a Christian, GIVING love is central. Demanding it is nothing like giving it, and violates the spirit of the injunctions to love your enemies and turn the other cheek. All the commandments are aimed at each of us, almost none have anything to do with us trying to influence other's morality; and when they do it tends to be an injunction not to.

I often see claims that Christians in BDSM are supposed to do mdom/fsub only. Another implication of 1 Cor 7:4 is that husbands may be submissive as well, at least in the bedroom; the husband yields authority over his body to his wife "in the same way" as the wife to her husband.

Pretty icestorm

View from my porch (with respect to Tam.)

OK, so, initiating divorce more frequently is a good thing?

I'm going to try not to be too sarcastic here. This is not a snark blog. I'm kind of hoping the people who read me as Mousie never find out how sarcastic I can be.

Hugo Schwyzer, in a column at "The Good Men Project", notes that women initiate divorce more often than men (about 2/3 of the time) and looks for what's wrong with men. He concludes that

Too many of us think that a “real man” keeps his promises—even when those promises are making him miserable.

OK, um, that's kind of what differentiates a promise from a tentative statement. Or, say, a lie, a fraud, false pretenses. I don't think it's exactly a "real man" thing in the sense that a "real woman" doesn't likewise keep her promises. Or a real small furry creature from Alpha Centauri, for that matter. It's a promise, like a person might make, not a MAN-promise.

Schwyzer identifies himself as feminist, but I can't see that it's really in women's best interests that more men initiate divorces. The first one to initiate takes the choice away. I can't see why one would look at "Group A keeps promises longer than Group B" and say "Therefore Group A should be more like Group B", except if one says, "Group A and B are different and where they are, Group B are inevitably better."

He goes on in the concluding paragraph,

Good marriages need more than a grim resolve not to leave no matter how bad things get. Men are more likely to forget that than women.

Based on what? The rest of the article gives no reason to suspect men don't try as hard or harder than women to make the marriage work. Still he comes up with this implication that men are doing nothing but sitting there not initiating divorces. The promises in most wedding vows include language about trying to make the marriage work, and in my experience there's no reason to suspect that the same people who stick with the marriage for a long time because of the promise don't try harder to make it work because of the promise.

I don't want to imply that initiating a divorce is always bad; some people were actually married to someone who really was just sitting there not initiating, or in one case I know the guy who didn't initiate had actually moved in with another woman. Sometimes initiating is definitely the right thing to do.

In general though, maybe if men initiate fewer divorces because they want to keep their promises, that's actually a good thing. We can't always be the villains. I'm really not inclined to advice from "The Good Men Project" after this; it's rather a condescending name to begin with. I think I'll stick with my Bible.

"Her Birthday" is up on Literotica

"Her Birthday" is up on Literotica.

Sorry I haven't been posting much

Sorry I haven't been posting much; things have been a little crazy for me. I expect some posts will be coming soon after I get physically exhausted trying to deal with all the snow with a shovel and a plow-equipped lawn tractor that's not running.

Ambitious

Sometimes I look at what I want in a woman, and think it seems awfully ambitious. Then I think that it's basically exactly what I'm offering, except for a few details. That feels a little narcissistic. Also I feel a bit arrogant about thinking what I offer constitutes ambitious goals.

Criteria, desiderata, and frivolities

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Age differences

Some of the things I used to think of as inescapable criteria in finding a partner are eroding; because as I talk to people who see things differently I'm not finding a foundation to it. One of them is age. I always used to think it was really super creepy for an older man to get romantically involved with a much younger woman; mostly if I was the older man. I never thought the same way when the genders were reversed. So if it's not a bad thing for an older woman to be involved with a younger man, why is it such a bad thing when it's the other way around? The happiest marriage I know much about, Determined Girl and One-Man Carnival Guy, has 15 years difference (the guy is the older one).

There have been a lot of little instances giving me the feeling no one else cared that much about the age differences. The most recent is that the woman I was talking to so much at Dorian's said some things that gave me the false impression she was about 20-21, and I started feeling really awkward at even hanging around talking to her, and explained that not only was I not looking for a relationship but I was secretly a decrepit 41. She's actually 26. And she dated a 42 year old when she was 22. So here I am saying I feel creepy at being admittedly kind of flirty and she tells me she dated an older man than me when she was younger.

I've been looking for why I thought matching age was such a big hairy deal, and I'm not coming up with anything. It never had any foundation of logic beneath it.

I guess it was really because my fragile ego didn't want to face the idea of being the creepy old man. It's seeming like I was the only one who cared.