So, I think I finally have a handle on the horrible secret I've been feeling I have that will never allow me to have a fulfilling marriage. And it's the only thing that makes me feel unmanly; not necking with a guy (long story), not that I like to cook or sew sometimes, not that I've gone folk dancing purely of my own accord. Ready for it?
I don't like lack of enthusiasm.
Regular readers already know a lot about this. I don't like rape. I don't fantasize about it. There is no secret forbidden thrill of "what if I could do this for real" when acting it out.
It goes further though. The real killer from my perspective is that if a woman isn't interested in me I likewise have no interest in her at all. I don't care what she looks like, it's irrelevant. You could line up every star of stage and screen and porn flick in a huge room and tell me "You can do whatever you want with them, they won't care a bit" and I wouldn't pay a dime to enter. If they were all perfectly conscious and capable of saying no but simply wouldn't because they thought it was just body mechanics, and they wouldn't regret anything that happened, and somehow there was nothing shady about the whole deal? I have no interest at all.
Words like "girly" or "gay" tend to be used to indicate unmanliness. I wouldn't associate this attitude with either group. But it feels profoundly unmanly to me. Men are supposed to want attractive women regardless of what the women want; we are just supposed to hold ourselves in check and be polite. I don't HAVE to hold myself in check, I don't want that at all.
There might be a temptation to think that I'm bragging about being the perfect guy, what every woman wants. I would have thought that once; not for a long time now. How much of women's fantasy is based on the woman being wanted despite her attitude? Why do the bodices get ripped in a bodice-ripper? So many of the women I know in meatspace have rape fantasies; actually every one of them that's told me one way or the other. They don't want to have them with a guy who would have zero sexual interest in them if they played hard-to-get. And in popular culture; when is the last time you saw a rom-com featuring a guy who doesn't fall for the girl until she shows interest?
That's why this makes me feel unmanly where nothing else does. There seriously aren't a lot of women who would object to me cooking or sewing or folk-dancing for a split second. There are a fucking metric buttload who would never feel like a woman with a man who didn't want their body as an object at all.
My question at this point is how many women would really, deep down, want a man who felt like I do?