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Sunday, October 31, 2010

External influences on libido

I said jokingly a little while ago that all I had to do was write about having no libido to start it up again. A week and a half later, I think I was wrong. A kind of an intellectual interest in how everything works returned, but no physical interest. I haven't masturbated or wanted to since September, before the accident. No wet dreams either.

There have been a few stirrings when I went over sexy memories to write something here, but never a complete erection. Normal complete noctural erections, though. I have pretty much no interest in porn, or erotic stories, or fantasizing.

A year ago, living with my wife, I was so frustrated that I couldn't have sex 3-4 times a week; and I loved porn and looked at least morning and evening if not more often. Fantasizing was something I couldn't avoid doing.

Before the accident my libido wasn't this low, but it was still really low; I started noticing a drop a few months after my wife moved out. After about six months it was down to masturbating once every week or two, before the accident it was down to every two weeks.

So what's controlling my hormones? My best guess is that it's so low due to two things: the absence of unrelated, nubile women, and healing my broken neck. My 80-year-old mother is the only woman living in the house; I see my sister pretty often. I see a pretty randomly-assigned professional nurse, all of whom have been women so far, about every third day for about 10 minutes. So, no hormones. Before the accident I saw women even less. But I do seem to have a fair amount of interest in intellectual discussion of sex, on the Web, and if a chance ever comes by in real life; which I think is partly drive to meet women.

Based on previous experience with being divorced and seeking a wife, when I start meeting women my drive will go up; get more physical. I will be fascinated by them, and occasional have fantasies, but will only feel like masturbating about once a month. As me and a particular woman see more of each other, my drive will ramp up and I will masturbate more often, eventually going up to about 3-4 times a week when we see each other pretty much every day.

No one ever told me about this stuff in sex ed, and I haven't seen any discussion on the Web in some searching. So I figured I'd write it down.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Ugly Bug Ball

Some people are more influenced by looks than others. It tends to be cast as a moral virtue not to be affected by looks, but I don't think it's possible for everyone to train their tastes. If you can't, and you get with someone whose looks don't work for you, there will eventually be pain. The importance of looks is just another matter of taste.

Now, that said, I have pretty nonpicky tastes as far as women's looks go. And when I saw this article about the first engagement from The Ugly Bug Ball, a dating site for self-identified ugly people, I didn't think the bride looked too bad. So I checked it out.

I was thinking that after I'm back on the dating market, that I might sign up despite the fact I'm not ugly. (Not to everyone's taste, but not ugly). As I've mentioned before, being a peculiar sort myself, I would hate to miss out on my peculiar match because she or others don't think much of her looks. Plus, I figured in that environment, my looks would be a guaranteed plus rather than sometimes a "meh", which strokes my vanity.

On a quick look around I think that's what more than half the people who sign up are thinking. Also the front page copy is written to entice anyone to date ugly people (not just other ugly people):
# Half of UK daters aren’t pretty so instead of fishing in a small pool of prettiness and getting nowhere dive into an ocean of uglies and have more choice.

# Ugly people are a better calibre of human - pretty people generally aren’t very nice and tend to be a bit shallow

# Ugly people have had a tougher life and therefore tend to be more considerate and more loyal. A recent TUBB survey also proved that they try harder in bed.
I wonder, in a year will the population at The Ugly Bug Ball look much different than the general population? I'm not convinced it looks all that different now.

The girl with the douchebag guy is also a douchebag

perversecowgirl explains how it works. If you haven't read it already, go read it. Especially if you're a guy.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

My Pedestal

Yesterday I wrote about how I imagined the cultural gender images affect people of that gender sexually. I think some people might be interested to hear about the way women's image affects me. I think a lot of men feel somewhat similarly, especially submissive men, but normally not so extremely as I.

I think, and hope, I didn't soak up the image of accomplishment being less important to women. I did, however, soak up the "sugar and spice and everything nice" image. To me, women are wonderful and somehow cleaner than men. Everything gross about a woman is considerably less gross than a man. It would be false to say I think women's shit doesn't stink. However, if you told me that someone had dug latrine near my well, and then told me only women use it, I would feel a moment of irrational partial relief (not "that's OK" but "could have been worse"). I wouldn't be nearly as grossed out if a woman accidentally sneezed on me as if a man did. I've got a bit of a pee kink. It does not extend to thinking women are morally better or worse than men; just physically cleaner. This idea is completely immune to real experience (i.e. it doesn't surprise me that girl pee smells like guy pee, it's just blessed somehow.)

Sometimes one hears complaints about being put on a pedestal, but it's hard for me to see the problems with this one. Seems like if I met a woman who felt the same way about men, it'd be great. Obviously it goes well with submissive play. What are the bad effects, if any?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Looking at neuroses

Snips and snails and puppy-dog tails,

That's what little boys are made of.

Sugar and spice and everything nice,

That's what little girls are made of.

As I've talked about a lot, men are neurotic because they are taught that they are gross and ridiculous on the surface. In media aimed at men, even really hot guys are comedy (think the Isaiah Mustapha Old Spice ads, which are great, BTW). The mass media heroes offered to men to identify with frequently start out with no dignity, offered no respect, but may earn respect by slaying a dragon or a building full of terrorists.

Judging by the way women seem to have significantly greater mentally-addressable problems with orgasm than men, it seems like the cultural neurosis is worse for women. Looking at the message to women from outside, it seems they are accorded a dignity from the beginning, but the message says that dignity is a fragile false veneer. The media aimed at little girls offers princesses to identify with, who are all looks and inborn desserts and no accomplishment. Accomplishment is not held out to women as a way to earn respect nearly as much as to men.

The culture teaches women that their respectability is a fragile veneer, I think, because it's easily lost. Without accomplishment, the respectability of the princess character is really a matter of other people's perception. What's the difference between Cinderella as princess and any ragpicker except how she's dressed and how people regard her? Then, of course, there is virginity; presented as of enormous inborn unearned value, superficial and easily lost.

The culture teaches women that their respectability is a false veneer, I think, because of what it teaches about women's genitalia. I've noticed that women are much more neurotic about their genitals than men. I imagine that is learned at menarche. There's generally nothing more embarrassing in polite society than involuntarily emitting fluids, but this is something that normal healthy women do periodically over most of their life. Women retain respectability not because society accepts this, but inasmuch as they successfully hide it. And then there's problem of perception in how arousal works for women. Men aren't embarrassed about getting hard except in inappropriate places or situations. We're pretty happy about a hard cock, in and of itself. Women are frequently embarrassed about a wet pussy in and of itself. Many women see it as messy, something they have to clean up after. Many men see it as the BEST THING IN THE WORLD, but so what? Boys are gross like that.

These different types of neurosis play out very differently during sex. The neurosis for men, that they are inherently gross and unattractive, isn't as harmful during sex because men didn't expect anything different anyway. Men are trained to the idea that they'd best be grateful for what they can get. To get an idea of the extent of this, look at perceptions when male children are sexually abused by women. Bodily fluids, weird faces, and embarrassing noises can be much more easily taken in stride.

In women it must produce inhibition; inhibition about their own enjoyment more than any particular activity. Women are trained that they have this fragile, false veneer of dignity, and they can't let their guard down or it will be shattered. They've been going around their whole life presented by the culture (not necessarily themselves) as being made of sugar, spice, and everything nice, and then when they have sex they've got to admit that enjoying it makes their nethers ooze a mucusy fluid. Then there's the faces and noises to deal with. I'm imagining this is very difficult for someone who had much Disney Princess training early on; and that it explains a lot about why so many women find it difficult to orgasm.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Something I learned about talking about rape

This post is edited from a comment I left at Bayou Renaissance Man, h/t LabRat. He talks about what women can do to avoid rape. I've made comments of similar import to his in the wrong place and made a lot of people very hurt and angry.

Something I learned in doing so was the tremendous extent to which blame is commonly placed on the victim to avoid blaming the perp. People feel like the victim is only being blamed for being stupid, so it's not such a big deal. And then it's possible to escape fully dealing with the perp. Thing is, likely her parents know the perp's parents, or her friends know him; the people around her don't want to deal with the misery of actually calling the cops, giving them the story, the trial, asking people to be witnesses. People don't want to deal with it, and if they can wriggle out of it by focusing on her mistake rather than his evil, it's a huge relief. After all, all they have to accuse her of is a little imprudence. Doesn't seem that big a deal to them.

Remember, if you were advising the victim, that the offender here isn't the guy we're used to from self-defense discussion, a stranger with a rap sheet as long as your arm. This is your neighbor's teenager or a friend of all your friends. Yeah, maybe he seemed a little off, but you help her go forward with this and you're going to keep seeing his friends at class and parties, or his parents that you always asked to watch the house when you were on vacation.

And the people I was talking to, when I tried to make suggestions as to what could be done to prevent rape, had been through that experience as the victim. Where no one wants to hear it, they want to sweep it under the rug, they want to say that's just how the world is, she should have known. So the victims don't want to hear word one about what they should have done, and I see why. What Bayou Renaissance Man and I meant as a sensible warning in advance is commonly an excuse to worm out of dealing with the offender.

I personally do everything that I recommended that women do to avoid rape, despite being a damn unlikely victim. I'm not convinced we can NEVER talk about prudent behavior. But I think we better bring up its use as an excuse every damn time. Every victim has a whole circle of friends and family. A lot more of us are going face the temptation to sweep it under the rug than are going to face the crime itself. There's a lot more of us that need to recognize the warning signs of wriggling out of handling a rape than will need to recognize the warnings of impending rape. We ought to be considerably better at recognizing those than recognizing what the victim did wrong.

Getting Over It

I've written a lot recently about my perception that women don't find men physically attractive. I'm going to get over that. I've done it before. Between my first and second marriages, I realized that the cultural message was crap and I had the confidence that many women do find me attractive (which is sort of self-fulfilling).

I lost it because my libido was much higher than my wife's and she didn't want her reactions to make offers she didn't want to keep. That's what she intended, not to treat me as unattractive.

The perception that men could be attractive in a suit in a restaurant, but not naked in a bed, came back as I got compliments from friends but my wife didn't give me a second glance. She didn't want her second glance being a promise, but that's not how it felt.

My commenters feel men are attractive. Other bloggers do. That's how real women feel. I will realize that.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Helping with sex neuroses: men's neuroses

I talked here about how neither gender is responsible for helping the other with their various neuroses. But I think a lot of us would like to, just from good-heartedness or because it's better for us too. I was going to do some guessing and asking as to how men can help women, but actually I know an awful lot more about how women can help men, so I decided to tackle that first. After writing my suggestions, though, I think all of them are actions that if women do them will help women with what I imagine are their most common neuroses as well. Note that lots of individuals do not suffer from these neuroses, please don't consider my listing them to be an accusation.

And to repeat, NONE of this is a woman's job. It's something she may want to think about out of kindness, or because it may improve the relationship, not a responsibility. It's all if and when you feel like it.

Here's the big one. Think about how he would react to you doing something sex-related. If you react differently, he's likely to feel the difference is because he is a man and men are gross. For example, if a naked man walks by his partner and opens his towel for her, he probably doesn't expect much response. That's why he pitches it to be comic. If a woman walks by her partner and opens her towel for him, she'd probably be pretty hurt if he sighed and rolled his eyes. He probably secretly wishes that he'd get the same kind of response he'd give her. They way I imagine this would help a woman is that the sigh and rolled eyes will buy her the chance to get back to what she was doing instead of a probably brief sexy contact. Is that what she wants most, or just what she's been trained to do?

Talk and do. About the best thing I ever heard of someone doing to help a man over his insecurities was what Rogue Bambi does; come up with dirty ideas on her own, all of which she's already decided are OK with her, and tell him about them. But, from my experience, I've gotta emphasize DO the stuff you propose which he also likes; talking about it and not doing it is the absolute pits, and will lead to him discounting your talk in the future. It's obvious how a woman's sex life will be improved by talking about what she wants.

Try to enjoy him more than your dignity. This is something I learned from the other side, in making my wife comfortable with cunnilingus, but I suspect women are trained in ways that make it much harder for them. Appreciation of your partner's actions, and perhaps especially his parts, has to be shown in ways that could be embarrassing, or else you're doing it wrong. (Or you have progressed beyond embarrassment.) The very culture that makes men neurotic also prepares them to be undignified. If anyone has any dignity during sex, they're doing it wrong, or they're dominating; and even if they're domming the dignity is extremely relative.

Hard to Sleep

Last night, as I was drifting off, it occurred to me that with my head immobilized by these four bolts, about 3/16", sticking into it, it would require a very minor impact to drive one or two of them through my skull and into my brain. A little fender-bender while riding in a car, a minor fall. I tend to find it hard to sleep anyway. That really didn't help.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Mixed Messages, and, People are Crazy, and, Your Partner Isn't Your Shrink

In this post I'm going to use words which have a technical meaning in psychology that I don't know, such as neurosis. I'm using the common English meaning.

While reading through the archives of Svutlana from Svutlandia (recommended) I came across the following quote:
For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time. --Isabel Allende
OK, right. Somebody tell Rogue Bambi and Wonderboy, or Perversecowgirl and Minx, or Holly and Rowdy, or anybody that enjoys sex physically with a man, that they're doing it wrong; he should be whispering sweet nothings, or perhaps using a Q-tip. Men and women drive each other crazy with contradictory messages; the famous Madonna/whore paradox is another example.

Something interesting about the Allende quote is that Svutlana quoted it in a post that's mainly about how extremely effective placebos are in treating low libido in women; implying that men should be using words to take the place of placebos. My feeling is that when you're asking men in general to do things that are otherwise accomplished by women taking placebos, you are asking men not so much to be loving, sharing, and caring, but to be psychotherapists to women, who you are implying are kinda nuts. (Svutlana spends most of the post talking about how women can address this issue, and I think her idea is more that men may be able to help, which I'll get back to at the end.)

Now, this kinda nuts is not very different from men's neurotic perception that women don't desire men physically (which neurosis is obviously reinforced by the above Allende quote). I think the implication that women are a bit nuts this way is correct in the sense that all of us, to various individual degrees, are a bit nuts.

I do have a problem with this in the sense that in this instance it's put up to men to fix it. The primary reason my wife gave me for leaving me was that she trusted me with her emotional well-being and I failed to maintain it. And I think that's asking way too much of a partner. When I had problems with depression, I didn't ask her to fix them; and I didn't ever feel like it was her job to do so. Some of that depression was related to expectations about our sex life that didn't pan out, but it still wasn't her fault. (I feel like I should talk here about some of the ways I failed her, so readers will understand her point of view, but when I write them out they don't sound like much and it still makes me feel bad. So I'm going to ask people to understand that she's a good person and had her reasons even if she couldn't explain them to me very clearly.)

I don't think you should ask a partner to be a therapist. A confidant and advisor, absolutely; but not a therapist. I don't even think therapists are qualified to be therapists, let alone the rest of us. And I especially don't think one should put the responsibility for successful therapy on a partner. If men are neurotic about feeling desired, I think most women would like to know about it, and I think it offers opportunities for an outstanding relationship if a woman can help her partner with that. But it's not her responsibility. There's a very limited extent that it's even in her power. If women are repressed when it comes to enjoying sex and orgasm, likewise it's something that offers a man opportunities to help, but it's not his responsibility, or even mostly in his power.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Motivation

I wrote a bit about how important volition is to me. I could go on in that vein a long time, I think MOST of my turn-ons are directly tied to the demonstration of volition. The next step up from that, metaphysically, is motivation. It doesn't have the direct tie-in to arousal and pleasure that volition does for me. But it's still important.

I'm really not sure if I would have ever paid for sex if it weren't wrong in my religion. There's a world of difference between "she wants to get me off really hard because she thinks I'm sexy" and "she wants to get me off really hard because there may be a large tip". Volition may be the same in both cases, but motivation isn't.

Volition tends to be a bit more heavily weighted than motivation for me. "She wants to get me off really hard because there may be a large tip" isn't great but it's way better than better motivation without much volition: "She wants to get me off, she guesses, because she loves me, even though she just did it the other freakin' day and won't it EVER be enough?" I have accepted the latter, so perhaps I would have accepted the former. But maybe not too; paying for sex comes with a lot of other problems (some of which I'm extra aware of as a regular blood donor).

Some motivations bother me enough that the volition doesn't matter anymore. Sometimes I'm freaked out when I encounter something that looks, on the surface, just like something I'm into but has a very different motivation. I knew a guy who seemed to be as much into improving technique and being good for his partner as I was, but talking to him I found out that his motivation was predatory. He said something like he loved being able to reduce a really smart woman to an animal level during orgasm. It was pretty horrifying. I didn't want to metaphorically kick him in the teeth for opening up to me, but on the other hand I did have some impulse to kick him in the teeth, unmetaphorically. I said something vague along the lines of I didn't think about it that way, I didn't think of it as a reduction. Since I want to be just as 'reduced' as my partner, I really don't like the idea of anybody thinking that way.

The main motivations I can think of, in order from most sexually attractive to most sexually repellent to me:













POSITIVE
^Sexual desire
|Love for a specific person
|Love for people in general (including sexual favors in goodwill)
vDesire for provider/security
ZERO/NEUTRAL
^Immediate money
|Desire to possess or 'conquer'
|Desire to reduce
vDesire to manipulate
NEGATIVE


I put sexual desire above love because this scale is about the sexual attractiveness. Overall, I'd rather be loved than desired, but as far as how I feel when my partner reaches out to touch me the desire does more for me. I don't intend to settle for less than both in a new partner, though sexual desire is fickle and in what I envision as a good relationship love often substitutes.

Joy of Dogs

I hadn't mentioned yet, my dogs are staying with me now. It makes me really happy to have them sleeping on their dog beds in the same room with me. I love being able to hear them breathing when I'm falling asleep, it's really comforting. Wish I could walk them better, but I can't walk very far before the brace gets really painful. There's an enclosed back yard, smaller than mine, but it still provides them room to run and wrestle.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Gay Men/Lesbians

In the sci fi/fantasy I read, I think more than half the sex scenes are lesbian; especially the detailed scenes. In the straight scenes, the female character is always the one most physically described. I don't recall ever reading a gay male sex scene.

Is TV the same way? I stopped watching a while ago. When I see/hear complaints about TV content from fundamentalist sources, they mention gay male sex scenes. Aren't there a lot more lesbian sex scenes on TV? Are fundamentalists reacting to male cooties more than homosexuality as a concept?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Vanity

Apparently all I had to do was write about my libido not working to start it up again. Inconvenient, but reassuring to know that no important nerves were lost.

My neurotic writing on the subject of men's attractiveness, and mine in specific, is probably getting boring. Sorry for that, but I'm primarily writing about it to help me work it out.

I had a dream last night that showed me some improvement in my attitude about men's attractiveness. It also showed me that I have a way to go. (I very rarely remember dreams.) It was one of those dreams where your mind borrows from a real-life person to construct the dream person, but they aren't really the same. I was in a room with a woman, at least 20 years older than me, based on a professor at the college at which my wife teaches. I always thought the real woman was pretty attractive. In the dream, we knew each other somewhat, but not well. We were both waiting for some medical procedure and were incompletely dressed. She was showing me plans for a house she wanted to build, which was going to be gorgeous, though energy-inefficient; I gave her a few suggestions for better insulation. She talked about someone sharing it with her, and the shared price. The way she told me seemed purposeful not casual, so I asked why. She looked me up and down in a very sexy way. I was suprised, but considered her extra weight and liver spots and thought, "Yes! She means it!". In real life she recently married another professor who is at least 30 years older than me, white hair, pot belly.

My separated wife is very good-looking, one of the best-looking women in our friend group. If someone saw her after reading this, they'd tell me something like, "Good grief. You're thinking liver spots are a necessity when this woman married you?" But during the course of the marriage I came to think of myself as quite unattractive to her, because I wanted sex so much more than she. I tend to blame it on the culture, but I'm sure quite a bit comes from that experience. She often complimented me on my looks (though not as often as I complimented her), but that rarely translated into making me come. When I get a compliment from a woman on my looks, I think it means she'd like to see me across the table at a nice restaurant that I'm paying for. It never means to me that she'd like to see me naked in her bed.

This is a bad time to be thinking about my looks. I can't get the spots where the pins (large and flat-ended, think machinist's pin punch not sewing pin) stick into my skull wet, for fear of infection. So I can't wash my hair. I can't remove the brace which is lined with fleece, so I can't exercise for fear of sweat I can't get rid of. The framework makes it hard to shave, so my knight's-cut beard is now just a mass of hair from my neck well up my cheeks. The most comfortable position for the brace is chest sunken and stomach pushed out so it's supported partially by my abdominal muscles. Anything paranoid I'm thinking about my looks is true right now.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

50 questions for men we want answered ASAP

Borrowing a theme from Matt, here's 50 questions originally from the Frisky.

Did you really think those Super Bowl ads were funny?

Off to a bad start: I didn't see them. Any of them.

Why do you take so long pooping?

Do I? I never noticed.

Why do you cup your balls so much?

Well, I don't really cup them, but I do tend to shift them around. Basically, comfortable temperature for balls is related to optimum sperm-generating temperature, which is much lower than body temperature, which is why they dangle outside the body. Wearing clothes insulates them, overheating them uncomfortably, so I sit with my legs spread and shift them around sometimes.

Bar soap or body wash?

Ivory bar soap almost all the time, body wash if I'm in a hurry or want to smell better than usual for some reason.

Why ask for my number if you're not going to actually call?

Probably I was just too shy to call.

Why the mindset that being in a long-term relationship is the end of fun?

Well obviously you're not at the #1 blog for help with this question, but I'd say probably that many men feel that they will be taken a bit more for granted in an LTR, and think that being taken for granted will particularly apply sexually.

Why are you so convinced that sex is so much more important for you than it is for women?

I'm looking for a woman to whom sex is as important as it is to me, and I don't see that as an impossible goal. But in general, how much do men vs. women spend on prostitutes, strippers, porn? How much do men vs. women seem to think of the impact of a "dry spell"? How many men are voluntarily abstinent just because dating is a pain?

Do you ever fake orgasms?

No. I've faked interest, with my first wife (this is my SECOND unwanted divorce).

Is there such a thing as "too slutty"?

Not precisely. There are related phenomena, such as women who insult men by implying we only want one thing.

What percentage of your female friends do you want to sleep with?

Depends on what you mean by "want to". What percentage would I sleep with if I had the chance? 0%. What percentage would I sleep with if this were Free Love World? 100%, even the one who smells bad, because she wants it more.

Have you cheated? How often?

No.

Why do you always seem to be drawn to women who are dramatic?

When I was young and foolish, because 1) they caught my eye with the drama and 2) sex is dramatic, I thought my chances were better. Now, drama gets my hackles up pretty quick.

Hypothetically speaking, do you remember what I was wearing when we first met?

Nope.

How often do you look at porn when your girlfriend isn't home?

Morning and evening, at least. When I don't have a girlfriend, like now, this drops off dramatically.

What is going through your head when we're annoyed with you?

Why are you annoyed? What can I do to fix it? Or in some cases, How childish.

Do you actually notice when it's laundry day and we're wearing old/unattractive panties or do they all look kinda the same to you?

I notice underwear. Especially if panties match the bra, I love that. How you're dressed says something to me about whether you want to turn me on, though that becomes unimportant if there's a more obvious signal. A woman in baggy, paint-stained sweats who's touching my crotch is a dozen times more attractive than a woman in my favorite strappy lingerie who's busy with her computer.

Seriously, isn't watching six straight hours of football a bit too much?

Sure is. I'm not a sports fan. I've got no idea whether my local teams won or lost recently. I don't even know which sport is in season.

Why do you continue to eat spicy foods if it only makes you feel sick?

It doesn't.

What makes you think we will go see movies with guns/bombs/explosions if you will not go see rom-coms with us?

I like rom-coms sometimes, about 50% would be fine with me. If this is a big issue, maybe we should see other people.

If your mother started an argument with me, whose side would you be on?

Who is right? Probably yours.

What do you have against special facial cleansers?

I don't see the need but for you, do what you like.

What does it feel like when you fall in love?

It feels like she is the most important and interesting entity in the universe.

What are you really thinking during sex?

Sometimes, "Oh, that feels so good, she is so good to me, I love her so much." Sometimes, "I wish she would ____. Doesn't she listen when I talk about this? Does she just not care?"

What is the one thing you wish girls did in bed that they never do?

Talk about what they want. Also, they never play with my nipples enough. I have very sensitive nipples.

What do dudes talk about when they are alone?

This depends totally on the dudes in question. My dudes? Politics, guns, religion, role-playing games or board games, TV and movies. Almost never women; that would be talking about each other's wives, and that's Just Not Done.

Why do you just disappear? If you don't want to keep dating me, why not just say something?

I do say something, and if drama ensues, I face it like a man.

Why won't you just buy a new pair of shoes?

They're comfortable and not worn out yet.

Why won't you ask for directions?

Because that would be admitting weakness.

What are your expectations of a romantic partner?

A date? That she not be a bitch. That she doesn't act like she's doing me a favor by dating me. If she's just not right for me, well, she's just not right for me, and that says nothing bad about her or me.
A potential wife? Too long for a real answer here. We've got to have similar moral values, which is pages in itself. She's got to share my interest in sex, my interest in discussing sex and it's meaning, some significant part of my kinks. We've got to have other things in common too, like an appreciation for sci-fi/fantasy books and some RPG experience.

Why do you enjoy video games so much?

Because I can relax and succeed, even if the success is in a very limited imaginary venue.

Why don't you ever change the toilet paper roll?

I guess my estimate for how much is needed for one usage is smaller than yours.

Do you hate it when we ask you to kill the bugs or does it secretly make you feel kind of macho?

I pick them up and put them outside; I don't really mind.

Have you ever slept with a prostitute?

Nope.

What is my favorite flower? C'mon, surely you've been listening.

What are you, a dating sim?

Do you really like the way we taste down there?

Yes. Results may not be typical of men in general.

If she cheated on you, would you take her back and try to save the relationship? If not, would you expect the same from her?

Yes, one vice I'm almost free of is possessive jealousy. No, I wouldn't expect her to take me back, because normal people are possessive and jealous to a normal extent.

Do you have a hard time if she's more successful financially?

Yes. I feel like providing is my duty more than hers; if she provides more I'm failing as a man. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

If a woman gives birth, do you have a hard time seeing her as a sexual partner?

I don't really know.

Why do you want to stick it in our butt so much? Don't you think about poo?

The novelty. Poo is not that big an issue.

If you were with a woman who never let you near her butt, would you be cool with that?

Depends what you mean. Never let me have anal sex? Minor disappointment. Never let me lick her anus? A bit more disappointment. Never let me kiss her cheeks or rub my cock between them? Wouldn't work for me.

What's worse: Marriage or loneliness?

Loneliness.

Do you care if they're real boobs or fakes?

Only if I can tell. If they don't hang like real boobs in all kinds of positions, or they're less sensitive, I care.

Do you secretly wish we were virgins the first time we slept with you?

No. I don't get the virgin thing.

What does being kicked in the balls really feel like?

About like you'd expect an injury threatening our ability to reproduce and therefore survive in a Darwinian sense to feel. Organ-violating pain, like an internal injury.

What do you think about when you're going down on us?

"Mmm. I love this. Slowly. You taste so good. You want it faster? Like that? Oh yeah. I love it. Your hips are starting to buck. Push yourself against my mouth. Mmm, yes. You are all I want to taste, ever again. Like that, now? Or like this? Like this. Yes. Harder. Come for me. Please. Come into my mouth. Yes. Please. Grab my head and grind. Let go. Let it be all about you. Get off on the feel, get off on the control, get off on filling my mouth with your wetness, but get off with me. Mmm. Yes. Now? NOW. My mouth rides your hips through the spasms. Now slow, soft. Cleaning you up with my gentle, grateful kisses. Thank you. I love you."

Does your mom really like me? Do you care?

I hope so; she's got better instinct than I used to think.

How was your first cunnilingus experience?

Not so great; she was too embarrassed to enjoy it.

Have you ever fantasized about one of my friends? A guy?

No, I don't allow myself that, it's too risky. Yes, once, when I was feeling like no woman truly wanted sex and he let me know he did.

Does your dick feel like a dangling appendage when you run?

Boxer-briefs. Otherwise, yes.

Have you ever considered milking the prostate? I've heard it's the jam!

Not really, but I'd love to try it with the right woman.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Volition

To me, in sex, my partner's volition is everything. I want a woman to want to touch me; that's at the core of almost all my desire and fantasy life. I'm not sure how rare this attitude is, but it's definitely not standard. Certainly lots of men, possibly most men, good men would would never really want to hurt a woman, enjoy more of a fantasy element of rape or force in their sex life than I. So this is a time that what I'm writing here is particularly unrepresentative of men in general.

Submissive fantasies are all about the woman's volition in an obvious way. She is totally in control and choosing to touch me. As I've discussed before, there is an element of asking for very little, at least symbolically, and an element of earning her touch in some of my most common submissive fantasies; e.g. she demands cunnilingus from me, or I beg for the opportunity to do it for her, then she rewards me with a footjob. I'm pretty clearly trying to put her volition on unassailable grounds; this is more psychologically comfortable for me especially if I'm not feeling too confident.

My dominant fantasies also emphasize the woman's volition, in one of two ways. Sometimes, I want her to show her desire more emphatically. I want her to offer much and ask for little, to show how important to her that little is. E.g., she kisses her way from my feet to my cock, then gets a handjob. This is basically the reverse of my usual submissive fantasy, but in my very limited experience I haven't seen that women get as much out of the dominant role as I do; as discussed hereI don't think women in general feel as much need for reinforcement of desire as I do. This variety is rather difficult and rare for me to engage in, because I tend not to find it plausible that a woman wants sex that much. I hope I can find the woman who will help me change my mind on this, and I realize that's a burden for her.

My other type of dominant fantasy is as close as I generally get to force or rape fantasy; it's where there is some element of pushing my partner's volition. It would usually be unacceptable behavior if it were real; often amounting to sexual harassment or an elaborate kind of prostitution. I am in some kind of position of power, and push her or lure her into acting out desire that she would have concealed otherwise. If I'm playing this out with a partner, her character's hidden desire is something we talk about at the beginning. It's hard for me to talk about this because of the obvious similarity to the "you know you want it" line of thought, which is so common and criminal in reality.

I've long wondered if rape fantasy, when it appears in decent men, is an adaptation to feeling undesirable; if men feel as undesirable as I, and adapt by rejecting desire an essential element. A lot of pop-culture treatment of sex has the subtext that the woman's presence is required, more than her volition; I tend to notice that subtext because I don't find it sexy when it's obviously supposed to be.

Because there is no volition, voyeurist fantasy does nothing for me. Stripping depends; my partner stripping for me is incredibly hot (doesn't matter if she's skilled) because it showcases her intention. A stripper isn't hot, because the intention is fake in ways I can't ignore. If I were to hire a prostitute (which I won't), stripping would be pretty hot because the intention is real even if the motive isn't what I really want.

Wanting the clear expression of my partner's volition is another reason I don't go for penis-in-vagina that much. Her using her hands or mouth, for example, expresses her intentionality more unequivocally than her pussy. I imagine the right kind of talk during sex could change that completely.

The exceptions to my desire for her express volition kind of prove the rule. Once after cunnilingus I just went ahead and fucked my wife because I wanted to get off too; once in eight years of unreciprocated cunnilingus about twice a week. She welcomed it, but still it was only once because it just wasn't what I mostly want. Once we played out a highwayman rape fantasy, but she was really emotionally in control, her character just regarded the "rape" as an excuse to slip the social norms.

P.S. Thinking about some of the details behind the rather dry and analytical presentation that I wrote here let me know that everything still works.

Plug: Ero-Mania

Vanja of Ero-Mania is my favorite erotic artist. She also has a free site, Vanja's World. What I like about her art is that even though she does a lot of rough themes, everybody can still be seen to be having fun; e.g. in her BDSM art the sub looks like "happy participant" rather than "victim".

Friday, October 15, 2010

Lucky?

Everybody, particularly the nurses who come around to clean the spots where the pins stick into my skull, keeps telling me how lucky I am that there was no paralysis, no nerve damage, and I suppose that's true. But I'm really pretty sick of hearing this. I've had too much of that style of luck over the past year. End of November, my two dogs got out through a hole in the fence around the yard and one was killed by a car; the other made it back unhurt, and that was lucky. I was laid off along with 35% of my department, but I have good recommendations and that's lucky. My wife left me, but we have remained on really good terms, the divorce is amicable, and that's lucky. I broke my neck, and had to abandon my home, my projects, and my independence while I recover; but there was no paralysis or nerve damage and that's lucky.

Lucky would be if my dogs didn't get through the hole, I still had my job, my wife was willing to work things out, I hadn't broken my neck. The consequences of all of these things could have been worse, but they were all still bad. If we bolted a Halo brace to a healthy person's skull for 8-12 weeks, they also would have no nerve damage or paralysis; would they feel lucky?

Actually there's one of those things I really do feel lucky about; the good relationship with my wife. She has been consistently nice to me since the separation, and really helped out a lot with the dogs a few times (like when I needed to be away overnight for a sleep test or a broken neck).

What seems lucky is based on what I take for granted. If I took breaking my neck for granted, then I'd feel lucky about no paralysis. I didn't take my wife for granted, so I feel lucky about that, but I did take it for granted that my head wouldn't be bolted to a framework.

Sometimes you see advice that you should take nothing for granted, but I think I demonstrate the impossibility; really, who goes around thankful that their head isn't bolted to a framework?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Little to say

I created this blog to provide an outlet for my thoughts on sex; since I broke my neck I haven't been thinking about sex at all. Something about the style of discomfort has left me with no libido; probably my body is smart enough to know that now is the wrong time. Actually I'm only assuming everything still works, and I'm starting to think I might want to look up some porn just to try to verify that it does. Unfortunately the Ethernet connection is in a public room in my parent's house (where I'm staying since I can't drive).

Sorry for no posts. I'm working on one about luck.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Broke my neck

So I didn't want to drop this information before I could include some explanation, but, I broke my neck. During a failed forward breakfall at Aikido, I landed on my head and broke the top two vertebrae, CV1 and CV2. It was the fall you can see the smaller guy doing properly here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWwsz-17tSU

There was fortunately no nerve damage; I could easily have been paralyzed or lost my ability to breathe. I've done this fall hundreds of times and generally do it very well, and I don't know what went wrong; I was tired and learning a new variation on it, though. I will be in a Halo brace for 8-12 weeks while the bones heal, but I should be fine in the long term. A Halo brace is a tight brace around the upper chest that has rods supporting a sort of crown arrangement with pins driven into the skull, to immobilize the neck and allow the bones to heal very much like a cast.

I'm staying with family for the duration and haven't decided how to care for the dogs in the meantime; they may stay with me here or I'll find someone to foster them, possibly the placement charity that helped me find one of them in the first place. (They're in a kennel now.)

I'm doing extremely well considering the serious nature of the injury, and can walk around fine but not drive, so I'm staying with family. Sorry about disappearing like that, but between morphine, pain, and cellphone-based Internet access I really wasn't up for typing much. I'll probably come back to posting regularly after I get my own computer here and some kind of reasonably comfortable setup for using it, right now I'm quite uncomfortable.

Saturday, October 2, 2010