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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

50 questions for men we want answered ASAP

Borrowing a theme from Matt, here's 50 questions originally from the Frisky.

Did you really think those Super Bowl ads were funny?

Off to a bad start: I didn't see them. Any of them.

Why do you take so long pooping?

Do I? I never noticed.

Why do you cup your balls so much?

Well, I don't really cup them, but I do tend to shift them around. Basically, comfortable temperature for balls is related to optimum sperm-generating temperature, which is much lower than body temperature, which is why they dangle outside the body. Wearing clothes insulates them, overheating them uncomfortably, so I sit with my legs spread and shift them around sometimes.

Bar soap or body wash?

Ivory bar soap almost all the time, body wash if I'm in a hurry or want to smell better than usual for some reason.

Why ask for my number if you're not going to actually call?

Probably I was just too shy to call.

Why the mindset that being in a long-term relationship is the end of fun?

Well obviously you're not at the #1 blog for help with this question, but I'd say probably that many men feel that they will be taken a bit more for granted in an LTR, and think that being taken for granted will particularly apply sexually.

Why are you so convinced that sex is so much more important for you than it is for women?

I'm looking for a woman to whom sex is as important as it is to me, and I don't see that as an impossible goal. But in general, how much do men vs. women spend on prostitutes, strippers, porn? How much do men vs. women seem to think of the impact of a "dry spell"? How many men are voluntarily abstinent just because dating is a pain?

Do you ever fake orgasms?

No. I've faked interest, with my first wife (this is my SECOND unwanted divorce).

Is there such a thing as "too slutty"?

Not precisely. There are related phenomena, such as women who insult men by implying we only want one thing.

What percentage of your female friends do you want to sleep with?

Depends on what you mean by "want to". What percentage would I sleep with if I had the chance? 0%. What percentage would I sleep with if this were Free Love World? 100%, even the one who smells bad, because she wants it more.

Have you cheated? How often?

No.

Why do you always seem to be drawn to women who are dramatic?

When I was young and foolish, because 1) they caught my eye with the drama and 2) sex is dramatic, I thought my chances were better. Now, drama gets my hackles up pretty quick.

Hypothetically speaking, do you remember what I was wearing when we first met?

Nope.

How often do you look at porn when your girlfriend isn't home?

Morning and evening, at least. When I don't have a girlfriend, like now, this drops off dramatically.

What is going through your head when we're annoyed with you?

Why are you annoyed? What can I do to fix it? Or in some cases, How childish.

Do you actually notice when it's laundry day and we're wearing old/unattractive panties or do they all look kinda the same to you?

I notice underwear. Especially if panties match the bra, I love that. How you're dressed says something to me about whether you want to turn me on, though that becomes unimportant if there's a more obvious signal. A woman in baggy, paint-stained sweats who's touching my crotch is a dozen times more attractive than a woman in my favorite strappy lingerie who's busy with her computer.

Seriously, isn't watching six straight hours of football a bit too much?

Sure is. I'm not a sports fan. I've got no idea whether my local teams won or lost recently. I don't even know which sport is in season.

Why do you continue to eat spicy foods if it only makes you feel sick?

It doesn't.

What makes you think we will go see movies with guns/bombs/explosions if you will not go see rom-coms with us?

I like rom-coms sometimes, about 50% would be fine with me. If this is a big issue, maybe we should see other people.

If your mother started an argument with me, whose side would you be on?

Who is right? Probably yours.

What do you have against special facial cleansers?

I don't see the need but for you, do what you like.

What does it feel like when you fall in love?

It feels like she is the most important and interesting entity in the universe.

What are you really thinking during sex?

Sometimes, "Oh, that feels so good, she is so good to me, I love her so much." Sometimes, "I wish she would ____. Doesn't she listen when I talk about this? Does she just not care?"

What is the one thing you wish girls did in bed that they never do?

Talk about what they want. Also, they never play with my nipples enough. I have very sensitive nipples.

What do dudes talk about when they are alone?

This depends totally on the dudes in question. My dudes? Politics, guns, religion, role-playing games or board games, TV and movies. Almost never women; that would be talking about each other's wives, and that's Just Not Done.

Why do you just disappear? If you don't want to keep dating me, why not just say something?

I do say something, and if drama ensues, I face it like a man.

Why won't you just buy a new pair of shoes?

They're comfortable and not worn out yet.

Why won't you ask for directions?

Because that would be admitting weakness.

What are your expectations of a romantic partner?

A date? That she not be a bitch. That she doesn't act like she's doing me a favor by dating me. If she's just not right for me, well, she's just not right for me, and that says nothing bad about her or me.
A potential wife? Too long for a real answer here. We've got to have similar moral values, which is pages in itself. She's got to share my interest in sex, my interest in discussing sex and it's meaning, some significant part of my kinks. We've got to have other things in common too, like an appreciation for sci-fi/fantasy books and some RPG experience.

Why do you enjoy video games so much?

Because I can relax and succeed, even if the success is in a very limited imaginary venue.

Why don't you ever change the toilet paper roll?

I guess my estimate for how much is needed for one usage is smaller than yours.

Do you hate it when we ask you to kill the bugs or does it secretly make you feel kind of macho?

I pick them up and put them outside; I don't really mind.

Have you ever slept with a prostitute?

Nope.

What is my favorite flower? C'mon, surely you've been listening.

What are you, a dating sim?

Do you really like the way we taste down there?

Yes. Results may not be typical of men in general.

If she cheated on you, would you take her back and try to save the relationship? If not, would you expect the same from her?

Yes, one vice I'm almost free of is possessive jealousy. No, I wouldn't expect her to take me back, because normal people are possessive and jealous to a normal extent.

Do you have a hard time if she's more successful financially?

Yes. I feel like providing is my duty more than hers; if she provides more I'm failing as a man. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

If a woman gives birth, do you have a hard time seeing her as a sexual partner?

I don't really know.

Why do you want to stick it in our butt so much? Don't you think about poo?

The novelty. Poo is not that big an issue.

If you were with a woman who never let you near her butt, would you be cool with that?

Depends what you mean. Never let me have anal sex? Minor disappointment. Never let me lick her anus? A bit more disappointment. Never let me kiss her cheeks or rub my cock between them? Wouldn't work for me.

What's worse: Marriage or loneliness?

Loneliness.

Do you care if they're real boobs or fakes?

Only if I can tell. If they don't hang like real boobs in all kinds of positions, or they're less sensitive, I care.

Do you secretly wish we were virgins the first time we slept with you?

No. I don't get the virgin thing.

What does being kicked in the balls really feel like?

About like you'd expect an injury threatening our ability to reproduce and therefore survive in a Darwinian sense to feel. Organ-violating pain, like an internal injury.

What do you think about when you're going down on us?

"Mmm. I love this. Slowly. You taste so good. You want it faster? Like that? Oh yeah. I love it. Your hips are starting to buck. Push yourself against my mouth. Mmm, yes. You are all I want to taste, ever again. Like that, now? Or like this? Like this. Yes. Harder. Come for me. Please. Come into my mouth. Yes. Please. Grab my head and grind. Let go. Let it be all about you. Get off on the feel, get off on the control, get off on filling my mouth with your wetness, but get off with me. Mmm. Yes. Now? NOW. My mouth rides your hips through the spasms. Now slow, soft. Cleaning you up with my gentle, grateful kisses. Thank you. I love you."

Does your mom really like me? Do you care?

I hope so; she's got better instinct than I used to think.

How was your first cunnilingus experience?

Not so great; she was too embarrassed to enjoy it.

Have you ever fantasized about one of my friends? A guy?

No, I don't allow myself that, it's too risky. Yes, once, when I was feeling like no woman truly wanted sex and he let me know he did.

Does your dick feel like a dangling appendage when you run?

Boxer-briefs. Otherwise, yes.

Have you ever considered milking the prostate? I've heard it's the jam!

Not really, but I'd love to try it with the right woman.

10 comments:

  1. Strangely, your description of your thoughts during cunnilingus made me cry.

    I suppose I should probably investigate that reaction at some point.

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  2. I'd appreciate it if you let me know what's up because I really did not write that to make people cry; I confess when I wrote out what I think that I was kind of hoping someone would say it sounded hot.

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  3. I think I've mentioned before that cunnilingus is a bit of a tricky thing for me. I love love LOVE the intimacy of it but it's difficult to get me off that way - partially because I'm always convinced that it's a chore for my partner.

    When I got married, I told my husband that oral didn't particularly "work" on me so he didn't have to bother...so he didn't. It's good that he respected my wishes and didn't pressure me to do something I said I wasn't into, but still...I wish he'd asked me why I didn't like it; I wish he'd volunteered to experiment a bit. The fact that he just went "Oh, okay" and spent the next NINE MOTHERFUCKING YEARS staying strictly north of the border just reinforces my idea that cunnilingus is icky and he was relieved to be let off the hook.

    To this day, if someone does give me an orgasm using their mouth, I cry afterwards. It's not (or not just) a normal crygasm; it's me being sad that I missed out on that experience for almost a decade.

    So my reaction to your absolutely hot inner monologue here is probably some variation of that, but to be honest I don't want to analyze it very much right now; I'm feeling a little depressive and I don't want to push myself into some kind of pity party abyss.

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  4. That's plenty of answer. I know the depressive problem and I want you to know someone on the Internet is rooting for you!

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  5. Late and irrelevant: what do you play? Given that gaming in general and specifically how gender can play out in games are one of my more esoteric interests, I'm a bit curious.

    (Also because your stated reason for playing was the subject of a longer post of mine.)

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  6. Don't worry about being late, that's why I added the note to the About Me section encouraging comments on old posts. And it's perfectly relevant to the videogame question.

    I play a mix of FPS, RTS and turn-based strategy games. The closest to a MMORPG I ever got was Kingdom of Loathing. Some of my favorites are the pre-Steam Call of Duty series, Half-Life and the mods They Hunger and Sweet Half-Life, Warcraft (the RTS not WoW), Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds, Star Wars Empire at War, Master of Orion 3.

    I don't have my gaming PC with me, only some obsolete laptops I've made into Linux boxen, so I haven't been playing any games recently.

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  7. It would probably be of interest to add why I don't play MMORPGs. I imagine it as sucking up too much time and also I'm not eager to be the noob. Fear of being the noob isn't a big deal, but I don't see a lot of incentive either; there's never been anything real gripping in the ads for me.

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  8. Not much overlap; the only RTS I really like is the Civilization series and truthfully my favorite way to play is on low difficulty so I can explore how many different things can be done without being roflstomped by the AI. My closest brush with FPSes (that I enjoyed, I played Unreal for awhile but it was mostly to keep up with Stingray enough that versus matches between us remained fun for awhile) has been the Mass Effect series, which is an RPG with a lot of FPS combat. I do rather look forward to multiplayer for that, though.

    Given that I took a half hour break from writing this comment to watch footage of the final Arena tournament matches (for stupid amounts of money) from Blizzcon, that pretty much says it all right there about my main gaming habit.

    I did play KoL until I felt I'd pretty much exhausted its possibilities, though.

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  9. I know about enough about WoW to appreciate The Guild and Leroy Jenkins.

    I think I get what you mean about low difficulty; The RTSes I play over and over tend to be the ones where I can cheat and then try weird things, see what happens.

    I go back to KoL every few years. I'll always have a soft spot for it because of

    In the Haunted Pantry, you're attacked by a fiendish can of asparagus. Cans of asparagus aren't normally all that scary, but this one's got a knife!

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