Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dominant Male, part 0

(If you're just joining us, um, well, this may not be the best time. Here is context.)

So, I've mentioned before I that I'm a switch and have a dominant side as well. And I haven't talked about it much here. One reason is that I have some serious hangups talking about it. Partly I fear Ickypoos is going to show up to tell me that turnabout is not, in fact, fair play, which would bother me lots more than it would a normal person.

It would bother me because of fear that Ickypoos would somehow be right just because I am a lesser being. I am totally comfortable with how I put one of my wife's old belts over my neck, with most of the belt pulled through the buckle, as a makeshift combination collar and leash, and encouraged her to lead me around a little; I'm kind of uncomfortable with the way I asked her to do same thing. There's some fear that somehow I was taking advantage; taking advantage of the good nature of my better half.

Ugh. I really want to get myself over this. It's ugly. It's not going to be quick, either. After I get another job I'm going to think about talking to a professional about this. Which unfortunately I regard almost like "I shall consult a highly paid witch doctor," but, well, I really want to do something about it, and I'm not really used to my emotions betraying my mind on such a scale.

One thing I absolutely need in a future wife is eagerness to talk about sex. The lack of this in my marriage is one of the major factors in difficulty in expressing my dominant side; it was hard to know what was OK until I actually tried it. Asking would likely kill her mood and I'd have to wait another two weeks for it to come back. Our play was never something that required a safeword, (and I'm think that for my part I want her 'no' to always mean no). But I don't want to deal with the situation where I'm trying to dominate and 'no' or wet are my only guide to what is OK, let alone what's hot.

I had a femdom/malesub story in my head that is totally going to have to wait. I thought about transposing it to maledom/femsub but I can't write that story at this time.


  1. A comment I mulled over but didn't post on your earlier one was this: I don't know either of your exes except through your writings, but... as a broad pattern all in all, we humans tend to attract and focus in on partners that share our worldviews and general consensus of reality. It's part of that pattern that continues abuse; the abuser's worldview includes it and people that are non-abusive come off as cold and disinterested.

    I'd agree you need a partner that talks about sex eagerly and honestly. I also think you need a partner that really believes you as a man, your maleness, is wonderful and something to be celebrated and adored.

    Feel free to tell me if this was out of line.

  2. Er, the abused's worldview was what I meant to type, though I'm sure the same holds for the abuser...

  3. Feel free to tell me if this was out of line. Shit, no! It's not out of line. It's a good point, please, tell me things like this. I haven't really thought about it much because with my first wife I kept wondering "How am I like an abuser?" and sorta dropped the question as uncomfortable and unproductive for me. I hadn't applied it to who I attract.

    Someone who feels about men the way I feel about women, who will celebrate and adore my maleness, has been a dream of mine. But I don't know how to recognize that in someone.

  4. Speaking of, here is an example of the sort of woman I passionately want to avoid; there have been a couple of them writing in to Svutlana recently.