Friday, November 23, 2012

Now I see it.

Every relationship cools a little eventually. It's just something you have to understand and allow for. But for me, there was a voice in my head saying that as soon as there was a commitment, the love my partner felt for me would fade and vanish. Like it did with both my ex-wives. With my girlfriend, everything that brought us closer freaked me out. I saw superficialities like looks as more lasting than her love. I wish I had seen it sooner. I can't attempt a serious relationship unless/until I fix this.

God I feel so stupid.

I just broke up with the girl with whom I had the enthusiasm gap. Or she broke up with me, because I wanted to see other people. I feel so stupid- I should have felt so much more enthusiasm. She deserved so much more, but my stupid heart wouldn't listen to my head. Now I'm saying "why did you do that you idiot?" But I had to do it. She may have been the one for me, the best chance at happiness I'll ever have, but I didn't feel it and it didn't seem like I was going to. No matter how many great qualities she has, I wasn't reacting to them right. And I felt like a deceiver and a cheat whenever she'd praise me. She deserves better and I hope she finds it, a guy who's better than me and emotionally ready for a relationship on the marriage track.