Friday, November 26, 2010

Super Uncomfortable Self-Realization

I was thinking about threesome fantasies recently. Now, I'm monogamous by religion, but I like to understand myself. I don't really have them the way most men do. I'm totally uncomfortable with the idea of me with two women. The ways that could go in my head are:
1) one woman is not getting enough attention at any given time, or
2) it's a lesbian scene burdened with a third wheel.
I'm actually much more comfortable with the idea of me and another man with a woman. This is not the uncomfortable realization, I've known I could be socially bi for a long time, and it doesn't bother me. Dicks don't attract me, but they don't gross me out either, and I could cheerfully blow another man as a show for a woman I loved, or team up in a variety of other ways to get her off. I'm straight because I have no desire for men, not because I think they're repulsive. I was meaning to post on this but never got around to it, though I've mentioned it in passing before.

There's a massive double standard in my head here. I could be socially bi and be happy to be performing for a woman. Two women couldn't for me, because they deserve more. We wouldn't be exploited because turning her on is an honor, they would be exploited because they are so much better than that.

It suddenly connected with a whole pattern of these double standards in my kinks and in my life.

I have a dominant side but my submissive side has been enormously more active for years. Very many of my kinks run to the emphasis of a woman's worth over mine. The footworship. The pussy worship and cunnilingus. The fear of P-in-V that doesn't get her off. My total hesitance at the idea of her pussy being used for anything but getting her off.

There's my feelings that women are somehow inherently cleaner and better.

There's my feelings that men are unattractive and women are more attractive even to other women.

There's my feelings that I want a girl that society might call ugly; I feel like a girl 2 is a match for a guy 8 (Or something like that I have no interest in the numbering scheme).

There's how scared I am of accidentally indicating (or, in fact, revealing) any sexual interest in a woman lest it be creepy or offensive or scary.

There's how very, very badly I hate rapists.

There's how torn up I am by mean words from a woman indicating I'm a bad man.

There's my feelings about earning; I'm totally uncomfortable with a woman earning more than me, because to be her equal in a relationship I have contribute more money.

There's my chivalry; I hold doors, and carry packages, and handle gross stuff, and partly it's to make up for how I was born.

There's how I sometimes wish I could live life over as a woman.

I am ashamed of being a man, and a lot of my life is shaped around making up for being born male.

It's something I've obviously known on some level for a long time, while it's been shaping me. I just never recognized it until now. Even the exceptions prove the rule. I object so strongly to the kind of domme that implies men are worms because it strikes an answering chord that my intellect denies.

I am intellectually unhappy with this idea.

UPDATE: I am intellectually unhappy; I do not approve. Neither gender is inferior or superior. But I'm not emotionally torn up about this. Emotionally it's old news, and I can remember feeling this way as a preteen. Bringing it out in the open, facing it and naming it, isn't going to harm me.


  1. Mousie, I'm really unhappy--intellectually and emotionally--with you feeling that way. No one is inferior to another, just because of the way their plumbing works. And you're less so than most, in my opinion. Kink is okay, so long as you don't internalize the "you're worthless" play.

    That you feel this way about yourself concerns me--I'd like to know why.

    Whatever the reason, you need to get past that attitude about yourself before you get into another relationship, or nothing is going to change.

  2. Heroditus, I don't want you to be unhappy. This is an uncomfortable revelation, but I'm not devastated. It's just brought out in the open; really, most of me knew all along.

    I'm wondering where I got it too. Not from my parents. But I've had it a long, long time. First guess goes back to growing up with two older half-sisters, my mother's daughters from a previous marriage, who were not pleased about a new dad or new brothers.

    I didn't internalize the kink. The kink comes out of the internal attitude. The kink is a relief because it finds some fun in the ashamed attitude. (Ironically I was just suggesting something almost the same to someone else).

    This is all stuff I need to think about more. But I'm OK. Recognizing the attitude is new; the attitude is old. It's not going to do anything to me it hasn't already done.

  3. Heroditus already said the most important stuff, so I'll just add the silly tangent that my friend who's had lots of threesomes says it works best by far when one person is the centre of attention. Apparently I've been correct in assuming (in my sour grapes way...) that it's well-nigh impossible to have a threesome where everyone is participating equally the whole time.

    So basically, someone in a threesome is always a third wheel (I would imagine the third-wheel-ness shifts from person to person throughout the act) unless it's arranged like "Hey, guess what my friend and I are about to treat you to?"

    ...And assuming you'd be a third wheel in an MFF threesome is kind of a slap in the face for true, half-and-half bisexuality, isn't it? Some people really like penises and vaginas equally. For real.

  4. perversecowgirl, a silly tangent is nice. Actually this isn't silly or a tangent though; it's part of my whole point. I assume that the M is the least interesting part of an MFF threesome if the women are really bi not socially. And I'm sure it's wrong, and some women would even be on the other side of half-and-half and if they were the center of attention the other woman would be the third wheel.

    And, well, I'm sorry if it's a slap in the face for half-and-half bisexuality, but really the whole premise is a way the fuck bigger slap in the face for everyone male, and I'm much sorrier about that.

  5. Can't say this comes as a surprise having read your earlier post.

    But, this is a good thing. We're all crazy in our own special little snowflake ways, and identifying how is the first way to stop it from fucking our lives up unhindered.

  6. LabRat said, Can't say this comes as a surprise having read your earlier post.

    You know, I laid out that list of things I had published weeks or months earlier, and wondered, "Does everyone already know this except me?" I could have guessed you'd know, you have a remarkable mind.

    Really, I didn't figure it out decades ago because I didn't want it to be true.

  7. *raises hand sheepishly*

    I saw the pattern ahead of time, too. If I see any others, want me to mention 'em in case you're not aware?

    (I love when you do that for me, btw. Your comments on my blog have led me to more than one epiphany.)

  8. perversecowgirl, please do.

    This, I admit, would have been a really difficult one to hear. Perhaps I would have argued and denied it at first. But I would have remembered it, and thought about it. And I'm really not the kind to get mad at a well-meaning observation even if I don't like it.

    I'm glad my comments have helped sometimes!

  9. Oh, um, if you want to mention a pattern that you think I might not be mentioning 'cause I think it's inappropriate? In that case please email me instead of commenting, my address is in my profile.

  10. dear mousie, it's great that you can say this out loud and articulated, but don't think that understanding the problem will cure it in itself. Going to a psychologist seems liek a good idea. If you don't believe in them, then I recommend to read about the different subgenres and approaches within psychology - there are a lot of varieties, so maybe you could find one that you could believe in (a bit more).

  11. Thanks for your concern, Anonymous. It's something I'll give some thought to when I have some spare money again. It's true that I don't much believe in psychology as science or medicine.

  12. i do hate some of it's flavours, but luckily found one that sounds reasonable for me. won't name it, so I won't loose my credibility :)