Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Not A Submissive

I've been thinking a lot about whether I am a submissive recently. With my kinks it seemed a no-brainer, but most of what I see in internet dommes tends to turn me right off to put it mildly. I suspect many of the dominants on the web, especially financial dominants, are selecting for and taking advantage of serious self-image problems, rather like an extreme version of a PUA that adds financial parasitism. I think that shows all the personal integrity of an intestinal worm. There also seems to be a sexist "men worms women goddesses" overtone going on that I don't think is expressed with male dominant/female submissive.

But the source of the confusion was this; some people use submissive to indicate personality, and some to indicate kinks. I enjoy submissive play, but I am not even a slightly submissive person. I save the politics for a different name and blog that my friends know about, but I'm defiantly independent by temperament and a great fan of the Founding Fathers.

Also, I'm realizing that the submissive kinks that have gradually taken over my fantasy life aren't really representative; they are my kinks, but I always used to be a lot more varied in my interest, and I will be again. Before I explain this further, I need to say my separated wife is really a good person and put up with a lot. I wish she would have tried counseling with me. The thing under discussion now, though, is that I was much more interested in sex than she was. I knew that, and the less I felt like I was asking, the better I felt. The submissive sex felt like I was offering more and asking less. So it kind of took over. Everything else felt like asking too much, especially me being dominant. Fantasies along any other lines became uncomfortable. I only approved of my fantasy self when it was "undemanding". The whole thing doesn't make a lot of sense because male sub/female domme isn't really so undemanding of the woman, and she liked the other styles at least as much. But it felt undemanding at some unreasoning level. I very gradually went from wanting a 50/50 mix dominant/submissive and enjoying the dominant slightly more to being uncomfortable with anything but submissive.

Probably I'll naturally head back to the 50/50 preference. I hope I don't stop enjoying the submissive play; if I did it'd be because it was a reminder of the problems, and that would be sad.

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