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Thursday, August 5, 2010

First post: first draft of a story

UPDATE: Read the final version here.

First draft of an erotic story.


Making a New Submissive

She sat down on the bed, and he made as if to follow her. "Sit on the floor," she said. "Why?" "Just SIT on the FLOOR". She raised a foot and stroked her toes down his body. "I thought we were going to have - sst," he said, with a sudden inhalation, as she played with his nipple with her big toe. She brought her other foot up and played with his other nipple. "Mmm?", she prompted. "I thought," he said, his breath catching. "I thought we were going to have sex." "Yes?", she replied, and squeezed his nipples between her toes and the balls of her feet. He moaned lightly, then continued, "But this is so... dirty." Glancing down at his now-rigid, as-yet-untouched cock, she stroked a foot up his chest, along his neck, up his cheek. He kissed it quickly, furtively, as if he didn't want to admit how much her feet were arousing him. She stroked the foot down again, down his neck, down his chest, down to his lap. With the tip of her toe, she teased the underside of his cock; somewhat clumsy and rough compared to a finger, but still he moaned. "You don't like this?", she said teasingly, pressing his cock against him and rubbing very slightly with the ball of her foot, knowing he could not deny her. "No," he said. She asked, "Do you want me to stop?" "No, please," he said again. "It feels so good".

"Then you'll have to do something for me first," she said. He started to stand. "Lick my clit," she said. He looked at her apprehensively then moved forward on his knees. She spread her legs and leaned back on her arms. "I'm not so into this," he said, pausing. "DO IT". He moved in and she put her feet on his shoulders. He kissed her delicately on the inner thigh. Impatiently, she grabbed his head and moved his mouth to her already-moistening pussy. He licked timidly and she ground his mouth against her. He licked her clit hard then, straight up and down. "Mmm", she moaned, releasing his head. He drew back slightly and made circles around her clit with the tip of his tongue. He ran his tongue down the lips of her pussy then back up to her clit, and flicked it rapidly with his tongue tip. Her moans came more frequently. "Mmm, you taste so good, he confessed. "I love it." He licked hard again, the tip of his tongue probing at the lips of her pussy and the body of it rubbing her clit. He sucked lightly at her clit, simultaneously tonguing it. "Oh!" He pressed his tongue against her clit and shook his head rapidly back and forth, almost like a hot, wet vibrator. She moaned more frequently as he continued, varying his technique as her climax built, always going harder and faster when she'd press his head in again. As she neared, he spread her pussy lips lightly with his hands, moving them a bit aside with a light pressure, and pressing in with his tongue and shaking his head again until he got dizzy. Gasping, she ground his mouth to her pussy and ground her pussy into his mouth, and he licked for all he was worth as she screamed and shook with the orgasm. As the throes dwindled, he stopped and stayed, immobile, pressing her clit with his tongue. Then he licked lightly and shallowly, just on the outside of her lips, licking up every drop of her juice, as she sighed and relaxed.

Shortly she slipped a foot down from his back and around into his lap. Her toes felt up his thighs until they found his cock, rock-hard from the arousal of licking her pussy and desperate for her touch. She teased with her toes. "You've been a good boy," she said. He sighed and moaned in response. She slid her other foot down and he leaned back on his arms, exposing his most sensitive member to the slight calluses on the soles of her feet, his cock standing and begging for her attention. She turned her feet together and took him between the balls of her feet and her toes. Squeezing lightly with her toes, she began to rub up and down, with tiny short strokes, the skin of his cock moving along with her feet over his shaft. His head rolled back and he moaned more and more often. She pressed his cock against his body with the ball of one foot and stroked his chest with the other, then she pressed it between the sole of one foot and the instep of the other. He moved his hips slightly, rhythmically, thrusting a little between her feet. She went back to gripping with her toes and the balls of her feet, stroking up and down, longer strokes. She knew her unlubricated feet were hurting him a little bit, and knew he didn't care; he was driving toward orgasm and couldn't stand to stop. She moved her feet away. "I could stop." "Mmm, no, please," he replied. She answered, "You said it was dirty. Tell me you want it." "Please," he begged. "Please touch my cock with your beautiful feet." He watched as she took him again, trying to touch lightly so as not to hurt the sensitive head, stroking up and down with her roughest, clumsiest limbs and watching him react in ecstasy to even that touch by her. Hands, pussy, mouth; even his own hands would be so much more controlled, so much better suited, but still he wanted her touch more than anything, even if it was just the touch of her feet. She stroked and he shuddered, his head rolled back and forward and back again, his hips thrusting his cock between her toes, and he came, so hard, with little groaning shouts of ecstasy.

********

After he'd cleaned her feet and himself, he climbed into bed. She lifted her head so he could slide his arm under. They hugged. "I love you," he said. "I love you too," she said. "That's one of my favorites." "Mine too."


After some work I'm planning to publish this on Literotica.com
The things I'd most like to improve about it:

*The paragraphs are too long. I'd like to break them up without breaking up the narrative flow.

*I'd like a title that foreshadows the end without revealing it. I don't want the reader to be distanced from the character's shared fantasy by knowing that it is one, but the idea that it is one is one of the most important aspects of the story to me.

*"He said/she said" is repetitive.

All in all I'm pretty pleased with it, though.

5 comments:

  1. This is well-written. I especially like the little "reveal" at the end. :)

    The he said/she said may feel repetitive to you as a writer, but I think it's the best way you could go. "Said", as a word, has no particular flavour to it; it's completely neutral. Therefore the word "said" just disappears and lets the story tell itself, whereas words like "gasped" or "screamed" or even "replied" can sometimes be clunky and take the reader out of the story.

    One suggestion: near the beginning of the third paragraph, the phrase "her toes felt up his thighs" - I initially parsed the "felt up" in a high school way ("How was the date? Did you fuck him, or at least get felt up?"). My personal preference would be to break the two words up with an adjective: "...felt gingerly up" or "felt tentatively up" or something. Or possibly a word like "wandered" in place of "felt".

    (I hope you don't mind my INCREDIBLY FINICKY ADVICE. I'm...detail oriented. :P)

    Can I just say how much I love the idea of an abstinent guy having a sex blog? A lot of people don't realize how interesting a period of abstinence can be. For me, sexual lacunae have been a time to go to all kinds of sexy places in my head, write hot stories, and maybe even discover new kinks I'd like to try.

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  2. Thanks a lot for the compliments and advice! And please do suggest finicky details; I think those are enormously important. The right word choice can make the difference between the reader not understanding it at all, or needing sentences of clunky description, or a smooth flow that the reader follows effortlessly. I'm definitely going to incorporate that into the next draft.

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  3. "Statements by different characters go in different paragraphs," she said.

    "Yes, Mistress," he replied. "I will always hit Enter when different people are speaking." And he would. He was a good slave and obedient to Mistress Grammar.

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  4. Thanks! First time narrating a conversation. I've always written essays rather than stories. And I'm highly amused by the way you put it.

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  5. Actually I lie, first time narrating a conversation since assigned stories in high school, but anyway I had obviously forgotten this rule. Breaking paragraphs by speaker fixes the long paragraphs problem and the "he said/she said" repetitiveness. It also makes it less awkward to leave out who spoke first in the "I love you" exchange, which is another change I wanted to make.

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