I trust my rebirth of interest in domming, because it's part and parcel of how I always felt. But my brain is pulling other tricks that are seriously annoying.
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I wanted to work on resolving my thing about not liking tattoos. So I put tattoos on a CGI character I made up representing the appearance I most desire, for the game 3D SexVilla 2. That worked fine. So I looked up some nudes of women with tattoos. My brain said "I'm totally fine with tattoos now, no problem." Treacherous brain! I don't believe you! It can't be that easy. I hope I will not offend anyone by saying that my brain is obviously pulling this due to admiration of certain readers.
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I was thinking of attending Wicked Faire this year. And some of my Christian friends, I think, are understandably a little worried; they do not attend because they regard it as temptation they don't want to deal with, and I'm on the rebound. But at this point not only am I bound not to have casual sex, I've been feeling like I don't even want it. (Even in the topping fantasy I was just talking about, there was no orgasm included for me.) And I've figured out one ugly reason why; it's because I would think of it as being sheer favor from the woman. I could dom or sub for her and get her off and that would be more than enough for me; if she got me off I would feel it to be an unfair exchange. Not that favors are bad, I'm very grateful for the compliments on my pictures for example, and that's a favor; no one needed to say anything. But I don't want sex as a favor. And at the very same time as feeling getting me off would be an unbalanced favor, I also feel like I'd be exploited subbing for some newly-met woman and only getting her off. Doublethink. Stupid brain.
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Other, less brain-damaged reasons include that sex carries a whole lot of meaning for me; the upshot is there isn't really a place for casual sex in my mind right now. Flirting yes, actual sex no. When I was married and not getting nearly enough sex, it was a struggle not to think about casual sex, but now it's different. Now my libido is no longer driven by living with and sharing a bed with a beautiful woman who was sexy when there was no chance of it going anywhere and occupied when there was such a chance.
That, by the way, was torture. Now that I have adjusted some, I am quite a bit happier alone. She said something recently that made my brain leap to the possibility of her coming back to me (nothing important this is just the way a desperate brain works). And I remembered how bad it was for me. I didn't want to come to this point until the paperwork was final, but I really would not want her back. I want to be a friend, but I don't want to be married to her.
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Speaking of being a friend, the relationship between her and the Saturnine Thespian is not the heavy TPE I was afraid of. Which makes me much more ready to be polite to him. Apparently, they'd been exchanging long-range endearments when he was in the Philippines, and suddenly that project ended and he was back half a year sooner than either of them expected. My first impression was that he was pretty intentionally taking a woman on the rebound into heavy TPE who had never done it before; but it really wasn't that way.
Brains are stupid, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteWell, if one's brain's doublethink is keeping one from doing something one actually doesn't want to do, it doesn't seem like that much of a problem. I tend to be philosophical about my brain's irrationality: I can't fix all of it, so I might was well work on the irrational bits that actually negatively impact me, and leave the others alone. (Which is why I don't drink.)
That's great about your ex-wife! I wish for the best for her.
"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
ReplyDeleteAs to stupid brain tricks, things that had been meh or unattractive or actively a turnoff have converted, as it were, when I interacted with someone I otherwise found very attractive before. I think it's fairly normal, especially if part of the turnoff factor was an idea that certain kinds of people you wouldn't want to hang out with have (feature), and then you find out people you do, do. The idea goes away, so does the turnoff.
Otherwise you sound like you're getting less mad. Have you ever gone back and looked at your earliest posts?
I tend to be philosophical about my brain's irrationality: I can't fix all of it, so I might was well work on the irrational bits that actually negatively impact me, and leave the others alone.
ReplyDeleteSensible priorities.
That's great about your ex-wife! I wish for the best for her.
Thank you! I do too.
Otherwise you sound like you're getting less mad. Have you ever gone back and looked at your earliest posts?
ReplyDeleteOh dear. :) Well, that was the whole point of using the Web to talk things out.
Everybody shift over one, I want a clean teacup.
Um, LabRat, I can't help but ask, have you considered how Stingray sounds from just blog posts? ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd basically I'm writing specifically about my problems and imbalances here. My new motto is Mousie: saner than he sounds. :)
People are always at least a little surprised to find out he's very sweet to people he likes and considers friends.
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of like having a big guard dog that terrifies strangers and lets the kids ride him horseyback. :P
(Also what I meant to say without any feet in my mouth is that you sound much happier, less lonely, and like you're on top of your brain for the most part. Erm.)
ReplyDeleteLabRat, I am much happier and less lonely, thanks! I am adjusting to living alone.
ReplyDeleteI got a little better idea of what Stingray's like from listening to an episode of B&B Guns that he was on.