I trust my rebirth of interest in domming, because it's part and parcel of how I always felt. But my brain is pulling other tricks that are seriously annoying.
I wanted to work on resolving my thing about not liking tattoos. So I put tattoos on a CGI character I made up representing the appearance I most desire, for the game 3D SexVilla 2. That worked fine. So I looked up some nudes of women with tattoos. My brain said "I'm totally fine with tattoos now, no problem." Treacherous brain! I don't believe you! It can't be that easy. I hope I will not offend anyone by saying that my brain is obviously pulling this due to admiration of certain readers.
I was thinking of attending Wicked Faire this year. And some of my Christian friends, I think, are understandably a little worried; they do not attend because they regard it as temptation they don't want to deal with, and I'm on the rebound. But at this point not only am I bound not to have casual sex, I've been feeling like I don't even want it. (Even in the topping fantasy I was just talking about, there was no orgasm included for me.) And I've figured out one ugly reason why; it's because I would think of it as being sheer favor from the woman. I could dom or sub for her and get her off and that would be more than enough for me; if she got me off I would feel it to be an unfair exchange. Not that favors are bad, I'm very grateful for the compliments on my pictures for example, and that's a favor; no one needed to say anything. But I don't want sex as a favor. And at the very same time as feeling getting me off would be an unbalanced favor, I also feel like I'd be exploited subbing for some newly-met woman and only getting her off. Doublethink. Stupid brain.
Other, less brain-damaged reasons include that sex carries a whole lot of meaning for me; the upshot is there isn't really a place for casual sex in my mind right now. Flirting yes, actual sex no. When I was married and not getting nearly enough sex, it was a struggle not to think about casual sex, but now it's different. Now my libido is no longer driven by living with and sharing a bed with a beautiful woman who was sexy when there was no chance of it going anywhere and occupied when there was such a chance.
That, by the way, was torture. Now that I have adjusted some, I am quite a bit happier alone. She said something recently that made my brain leap to the possibility of her coming back to me (nothing important this is just the way a desperate brain works). And I remembered how bad it was for me. I didn't want to come to this point until the paperwork was final, but I really would not want her back. I want to be a friend, but I don't want to be married to her.
Speaking of being a friend, the relationship between her and the Saturnine Thespian is not the heavy TPE I was afraid of. Which makes me much more ready to be polite to him. Apparently, they'd been exchanging long-range endearments when he was in the Philippines, and suddenly that project ended and he was back half a year sooner than either of them expected. My first impression was that he was pretty intentionally taking a woman on the rebound into heavy TPE who had never done it before; but it really wasn't that way.