So there was a guy that I was pretty sure my wife was going to end up with. Not really my business. Paperwork isn't final and I still wear my ring, but who she's going to end up with isn't really my business.
Just found out she was wandering around with him at a gaming convention a couple weeks ago (that I couldn't go to because of my broken neck), her wearing a leather collar that said "SLAVE".
Oh.
She poured herself into my mold, but I always wanted a loyal but independent ally and you can't mold that.
She said she lost herself and needed to find herself. I'm not even a tiny bit of a pushy guy, so I couldn't imagine why she couldn't find herself with me. She didn't need to find herself, she needed someone to tell her who she was.
She said she entrusted me with her emotional health and I failed to take care of it. Oh.
I had terrible trouble domming her because she wouldn't communicate and tell me what was OK with her. Because domming to me is only play. She wanted someone who would really dom her and tell her what was OK.
When I heard this, there was part of me that said some ugly stuff. That blamed myself for not being manly enough; if I had been more pushy, domineering, if I had taken a leadership role, I'd still have her. She'd wear a collar that said "SLAVE" when I wanted. I'm sure she's banging the shit out of him. It was pretty good when we first started, and, well, "SLAVE". Maybe that's what women really want.
Fuck that. FUCK. THAT. Even if it was what "women" wanted, which I don't believe, it's not what I want. I don't want to be a master or a slave. I don't want to have a master or a slave. I want a lover who will play both with me, yes. But I want her to be an independent, loyal ally; with a strong personality of her own. Sworn to each other forever from our liberty and for our benefit and security.
UPDATE: There's nothing wrong with being in a leadership position in a family. Am I just making a virtue of a weakness to make myself feel better?
UPDATE: Apparently I can feel possessive jealousy under the right circumstances and for a time.
There's nothing wrong with being in a leadership position in a family. Am I just making a virtue of a weakness to make myself feel better?
ReplyDeleteI don't think so. As per your later post it's rather alarming to watch someone just come out of a very long-term relationship where they made it crystal clear they didn't really know who they were or what they wanted and then jump into one where someone else decides those things, if indeed that's even the case.
And even if it's indeed truly what she wants/needs, it's not what YOU do, is it? I know it sure as hell wouldn't be what I wanted; if I needed to be an all-the-time leader or follower to keep someone, they wouldn't be worth keeping to me.
OKAY. Well I just spent like 45 minutes typing out a huge long comment but it fucking disappeared into the ether when I went to post it, so let me boil it down to this:
ReplyDeleteRemember how I said a person on the rebound is malleable? I think the "slave" thing is likely your wife conforming to a new person because she's afraid of being single. Furthermore, every person I've ever known who had back-to-back relationships does so because they're terrified of being single - but then the relationship makes them feel all constrained because they never had time to decompress from the last one (which I'm certain is what happened with you guys).
Bottom line: I know it stings that she's seeing someone so soon, but I can guarantee that this guy isn't her soulmate and that (after a brief period of thinking he's perfect and can rescue her from herself) she'll feel as itchy and claustrophobic and unhappy with him as she did with you. And she'll always feel that way about every guy unless she fucking smartens up and realizes that her feelings of dissatisfaction are coming from her, not them. A new man can't save her, he can only distract her. She has to save herself.
"I want a lover who will play both with me, yes. But I want her to be an independent, loyal ally; with a strong personality of her own"
ReplyDeletesuch things do exist.
best wishes
Anonymous is absolutely right. I know, because that's what my husband and I have: the play, the partnership, the independence, and the equality. He is my best friend, and I am his. We talk politics, philosophy, geek/nerd stuff (mine and his--tech, military history, anime, gaming and literature), let each other vent when needed, and can hardly keep our hands off each other.
ReplyDeleteBut without the rest (friendship, love, and respect), the sex wouldn't have been enough for me to marry him.
Look for a best friend first, Mousie. Make sure you're compatible in bed, yes, but without that base of friendship, it's a lot harder to build a solid foundation for a lifetime.
It sounds to me that your soon-to-be-ex-wife has no clue what she needs. Or maybe she had no clue what she needed when she got out of her previous relationship. In either case, the gal has issues that only she can work out, and only once she's admitted them.
LabRat, you're right. I think the way I put it perhaps I was trying to make my way sound better than others to make myself feel good; but better or not, it's my way. I am not and will never be a full-time leader or follower.
ReplyDeleteYou do not share private details about your marriage, and I respect that. But this is really not a particularly private kind of personality trait, and it's something I picked up on that was reassuring to me; the first person I thought of who also wouldn't put up with being required to be a leader or a follower was LabRat.
perversecowgirl, I'm really sorry to hear about your missing comment; I love your long comments. I've had that happen too and so I compose long comments in a text editor or word processor and then cut&paste them.
ReplyDeleteI agree, and I'm really worried about the slave thing being her terrified of being single. That's not something that's real safe to jump into when you don't know who your are.
I'm really looking forward to the final divorce papers. It bothers me a lot more that it's my wife making this mistake. But there's fuck-all I can do about it, which is probably a more realistic measure of the fact it's over than the divorce papers.
Thank you for that Anonymous! I have to make sure my personality is as firm as I think, and get over all the problems I talk about here, and then it's really nice to know that there is hope for the kind of relationship I want.
ReplyDeleteHeroditus, I love your description of your marriage. That sounds so wonderful, and I aspire to the same thing someday. It's inspiring.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that gets me the most is that my best friend is who my wife was; or at least who we both thought she was in the beginning. We didn't have sex before we were married; it wasn't so much sexually that I think she molded herself to fit me when we made the decision to get married. She molded herself into my best friend, and then found that wasn't who she was. There were a few signs that I'll look out for in the future that the commonality was shallow; e.g. when we shared deeply it tended to be me philosophizing and her agreeing.
It's kind of that I've not just lost my best friend but also found out she was an illusion all along.
I think you're right that she has no idea what she wants now or what she wanted then; except the affirmation that comes of being a "best friend" and lover.