So there was a guy that I was pretty sure my wife was going to end up with. Not really my business. Paperwork isn't final and I still wear my ring, but who she's going to end up with isn't really my business.
Just found out she was wandering around with him at a gaming convention a couple weeks ago (that I couldn't go to because of my broken neck), her wearing a leather collar that said "SLAVE".
She poured herself into my mold, but I always wanted a loyal but independent ally and you can't mold that.
She said she lost herself and needed to find herself. I'm not even a tiny bit of a pushy guy, so I couldn't imagine why she couldn't find herself with me. She didn't need to find herself, she needed someone to tell her who she was.
She said she entrusted me with her emotional health and I failed to take care of it. Oh.
I had terrible trouble domming her because she wouldn't communicate and tell me what was OK with her. Because domming to me is only play. She wanted someone who would really dom her and tell her what was OK.
When I heard this, there was part of me that said some ugly stuff. That blamed myself for not being manly enough; if I had been more pushy, domineering, if I had taken a leadership role, I'd still have her. She'd wear a collar that said "SLAVE" when I wanted. I'm sure she's banging the shit out of him. It was pretty good when we first started, and, well, "SLAVE". Maybe that's what women really want.
Fuck that. FUCK. THAT. Even if it was what "women" wanted, which I don't believe, it's not what I want. I don't want to be a master or a slave. I don't want to have a master or a slave. I want a lover who will play both with me, yes. But I want her to be an independent, loyal ally; with a strong personality of her own. Sworn to each other forever from our liberty and for our benefit and security.
UPDATE: There's nothing wrong with being in a leadership position in a family. Am I just making a virtue of a weakness to make myself feel better?
UPDATE: Apparently I can feel possessive jealousy under the right circumstances and for a time.