A couple of days ago we got together for lunch. I had found a pair of her socks, and told her to remind me to give them to her back at my house. I said I was hoping Saturnine Thespian (the new guy) was doing well. I mentioned how much I'm hoping for a letter from the judge, she told me she thought when it came it would be effectively backdated to when the 90-day wait was over. She told me about her upcoming trip to Greece, and her New Year's plans. After lunch I asked her for a last kiss goodbye, which she kindly granted, while I teared up badly.
I didn't think the divorce was backdated, so I looked it up later. I sent her two e-mails.
For what it's worth, I found my copy of the "Waiver Of Notice Of Intention To Request Entry Of A Divorce Decree Under 3301(c) Of The Divorce Code" that we both had to sign, which says in part:and
"3. I understand I will not be divorced until a divorce decree is entered by the Court and that a copy of the decree will be sent to me immediately after it is filed with the prothonotary."
That's why I'm still wearing my ring when I'm not working with metal. It's part of why I was surprised when I heard you were already dating. I hope I'm not being rude to say this but if you want forgiveness for that, you have it already, without asking. I hope you find someone who will make you happier than I did.
Best regards,
[Mousie]
I still have a pair of your socks.I got a cheerful reply to the socks one and nothing to the first one. Maybe this isn't the best example, what was she really supposed to say to the first one? But it's emblematic. She'd talk about trivialities and most immediate practicalities but I couldn't get her to talk about anything consequential to the relationship. (Appropriate music.) She's said I should already understand; which baloney I bought for a long time and felt guilty about.
Regards,
[Mousie]
Do me a favor? Next time you hear someone talk about men's lack of communication skills, kick them in the ass for me. Metaphorically! (I guess.)
Your ex sounds like my mom - always trying to gloss over unpleasantness and focus solely on the happy bits of things. I constantly find myself wanting to respond to her emails with "Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd what are your feelings on THE OTHER THING I SAID?!?"
ReplyDeleteMaybe in time your wife will actually be able to address things and apologize. Right now it's probably too soon for her - she's either embarrassed by what she's put you through or lacks the perspective even to see that she's made mistakes.
I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for her to apologize, she's not really into that. But that's OK.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm trying to get my friends to forgive her. They're madder than I am for some reason. I was trying to get them to invite her to a New Year's party tonight but they aren't up for it.
Do me a favor? Next time you hear someone talk about men's lack of communication skills, kick them in the ass for me. Metaphorically! (I guess.)
ReplyDelete:-)
Men's lack of communication skills are like women's lack of mathematical skills: at best a statistical tendency (without any implication as to the cause...), at worst simple bigotry.
There was this cartoon I said once; the same scene repeated twice, with a student making an obvious mistake on a math problem on the blackboard, and another making a comment. In the first case, the student was a boy, and the commenter said: "wow, you suck at math!"; in the second case, the student was a girl, and the commenter said: "wow, girls suck at math!".
I think someone should draw the equivalent cartoon about the sexes and their different communication skills. "Wow, you can't express your feelings." "Wow, boys can't express their feelings."
We can't deny the bell curve exists. Still we always experience each other as individuals. There's no running away from the latter to hide under the former.
Now I'm trying to get my friends to forgive her. They're madder than I am for some reason.
ReplyDeleteHey now, righteous rage on behalf of a friend when you have no lingering attachment to the object of it is one of the perquisites of friendships...
Do me a favor? Next time you hear someone talk about men's lack of communication skills, kick them in the ass for me. Metaphorically! (I guess.)
Yeah, it's bullshit. To the extent it's reflected in reality, it's in the way pop culture acts like talking about feelings is some kind of pussyish woman thing.
IRL, being uncommunicative when upset was/is something I had/have to actively overcome. When I am hurt and angry I want distance and space to calm down and analyze my feelings; my husband, on the other hand, wants to talk through and find the real problem now or else he feels high-handedly dismissed and rejected. It took a few years for mutual understanding of that particular spark/fire trigger for the slammed door and separate sleeping arrangements to be worked out...
LabRat, wanting space to calm down and analyze is fine. I can see why you and Stingray would need to deliberately adjust your different styles, but an hour or a day is something one could adjust too. In my wife's case it's not a delay, it's just not something she does.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have it worked out now, I'm glad.
Yeah, not explaining her, just giving my own example on the men/women communication thing.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, I realized my first and strongest instinct wasn't productive. Given my own purest preferences I would wait until I had calmed down and then dismissed the problem because re-articulating the emotions would have been upsetting all over again- deeply unproductive.