Sunday, February 6, 2011


So, I decided it's time to start looking; at least find out more about who's out there. I signed up for eHarmony and FetLife. My FetLife profile (Mousie762) talks a lot about God, and my eHarmony profile talks about sex and kink. I'm looking for a good match not a quick match.

FetLife has a bunch of very active Christian groups that I've been spending lots of time talking with.

Me and the woman I met at Dorian's, who I will call the Pretty Librarian, do not have a future together, and we've discussed that. Some fundamental incompatibilities. And I've explained about the abstinent until married thing. But we're both having fun with dating. I went to a dance with her, and afterward we went back to her place and watched a movie. Her feet hurt from the shoes she was wearing and so I rubbed them during the movie. No, I don't have so much of a foot fetish that this gets me hot; more that I like massage and like having something to do with my hands during a movie. Then, though it was pretty late and she asked if I wanted to crash there to avoid tired driving, I went home.

If the stereotypes that women don't want sex were true, that sex is something women do for the sake of the other stuff, I would be an awesome date; not only don't I push but I'm not even buying dinner and holding doors and chatting and complimenting for the sake of maybe sex sometime. However, being an awesome date for women who don't want sex could be a negative selection process for what I eventually want.

I seem to seriously compartmentalize my sexuality. It is really repressed now, and generally with people who I'm not starting to think about marrying. And I think I better keep it that way to stay sane during the abstinent dating process; for example I turn my head if anyone goes to kiss me so it lands on my cheek. Is it a sin for me to kiss women passionately who I'm not going to marry? Of course not. Will letting myself get away with whatever isn't a sin to me, make me crazy for what is a sin to me? In this particular situation, yeah.

Also it's a matter of defense-in-depth or safety margins; a failure of willpower means "Oh dear I kissed her" rather than "Oh shit I boned her." There's a whole lot more getting back under control time available between kiss and sex than between heavy petting and sex.

I have to plan this stuff, it's not easy.


  1. Makes perfect sense to me. Similarly, in order to maintain fidelity within my marriage, I put the boundaries way out. I don't spend time alone with other men. I mean, "Oh shit! We had coffee." is many, many steps away from infidelity. My husband is the male friend that I confide in and lean on.

  2. Mousie, if you were my age and I was dating you, you would be driving me nuts. "Why is there no sex? Why does he not want sex? Do I have a horrible deformity no one mentioned to me before? Did he lose his penis in a tragic gardening accident? Because, you know, there are ways around that!"

    And good for you, waiting for someone who's right for you. :)

    Penny-- I tend to disagree with that line of reasoning, mostly because I'm bisexual and therefore would have to set the boundaries at not being alone with anyone. :) But if it works for you, cool.

  3. Ozymandias, I explain the abstinent thing really early on. And it's right in my profile both places. So it may still suck, but at least you'd know why. Unless you were unable to believe that I was serious, which does seem to happen sometimes.

    I get the impression that the Pretty Librarian believes I'm serious but thinks it sucks. Which is flattering and still hard for me to really believe; that someone (who has read my story "Her Birthday"!) actually would like to have sex with me. I can see it intellectually but don't quite believe it with my gut.

  4. I can totally understand why someone would want to rip your clothes off, Mousie. You're not half-bad-looking. And you're kind, intelligent, articulate, ethical...

    Yeah, I think mentioning abstinence right up front will be a good filter: I know I would skip right past anyone who wanted to be abstinent.

  5. Thanks a lot, Ozymandias! I don't know what you look like but the understanding is mutual.

    I try to be up-front about stuff in general, but I'm not sure of the wisdom of mentioning this up-front. Because I'm sort of filtering for a temporary condition that's the opposite of the permanent one. Ugh.

    The problem is this is a filter that lets through devotion to principle, frigidity, or prudity. Being up-front about D/S should filter for prudity. I'm can't think of an up-front filter for frigidity.

  6. Well, devoted to the same principles you are. I'm hella devoted to principle ("no, I'm sorry, I'd love some of your delicious homemade cake, but it's made with eggs"), just not that principle.

    "I have a high sex drive", maybe? But that might just come off as "typical bitter male whining about how he couldn't get laid before"...

  7. Right, I was just being short because the context specified the principle. It's not like that's the only principle I have either. :)

    Devotion to principle in general is something I find a super attractive trait. It's hard to look for because so often inclination or prejudice or the desire to be holier-than-thou masquerades as principle; like when you find a Christian who's a prude at heart, or when you find vegetarianism in a compulsive dieter that was just looking for an excuse to cut out a food group.

  8. It's an exaggeration, but seriously, I don't put myself in situations that could get intimate with someone that isn't my husband. I set the line before intimacy so that crossing it doesn't really cause a problem.
    I put a very high priority on emotional intimacy. Baring your heart and soul to someone is deeper than baring your body.

  9. Penny, yes, absolutely. Even when I was married to my ex, I'd have coffee with a woman, but adultery doesn't start with a kiss, it starts with a confidence. And it's not something that doesn't happen just because you didn't intend to do it, it's something that you have to plan to prevent. I've know enough cheating situations (usually not in married people) to know that it's something people just kind of fall into because they didn't watch where their path was going.

    I can't imagine how either you or Clint would have the spare energy though. :)

  10. I'd most respectfully disagree M - adultery starts with emotional disengagement with the spouse. People are lonely and dissatisfied and away things go. Cutting yourself off from your friends may just make you lonely and without wise counsel. I've grown out of silly social conventions. I really value the advice of my male friends, some of which I've had longer than a lot of the people that read this have lived. A lot of friendships last longer than marriages ...

  11. Candice, I respectfully disagree too. Emotional disengagement with the spouse isn't a requirement, though it's certainly common; emotional engagement with someone else always seems to be the case.

    Emotional disengagement with the spouse, of course, is a very bad thing all by itself, while emotional engagement with someone else is a good thing except in terms of what it may lead to. I don't think one necessarily has to cut oneself off from emotional engagement with everyone of the opposite sex; it varies by the person and by the tendency toward jealousy in the spouse.

  12. Dear M - thanks for your explanation .....I'm not sure this will work for you in terms of avoiding unwanted sex, but when dating I used to wear jeans with a stout belt and difficult buckle. I then had time to stop any date who had got over excited and wanted to progress to sex because he would necessarily fumble with the buckle.

  13. So, I decided it's time to start looking.


    Don't hate me for lecturing (I do it out of love) but you've only been divorced for like fifteen minutes! I think you really need more time to decompress and figure out who you are first before you dive into the dating pool.

    For instance: we know that you have a thing for footjobs, but we also know that this comes from a belief that women don't actually desire you and you should be happy with whatever sexual crumbs they deign to throw your way. What if you end up marrying a woman who's dominant and loves to give foot jobs...but her desire for you is so obvious that it resolves your issues and kills your urge to get foot jobs?

    There are a million little compromises a person makes in a relationship without really realizing; once the relationship dissolves, it takes a while for one's personality to spread out again to its natural resting place. In the meantime, it's entirely too easy to fall for someone simply because you're still heartbroken and don't want to be alone - and because you haven't allowed enough time for your personality to settle, that person won't be falling for you, they'll be falling for the version of you who was with your ex. And this will ultimately cause all sorts of problems, as you should know from having married two different women who were in that state.

  14. YOUR FUCKING BLOG WON'T LET ME POST THINGS GRRRRRRRRRRRR. There's a second half to the above post but whenever I try to post it, I get "unable to complete your request". I've tried five times. I'm late for work. GRRRRRRR.

  15. PerverseCowgirl, I'm sorry my blog won't let you post the rest!

    I want your advice, and I appreciate the love behind it, PC! <3 But the thing is, one of my weaknesses is one of my strengths in this context. I'm good about accepting my spouse but I'm lousy at changing for her. I have a very concrete personality. Being worried about the exact same issue you raise, I've asked friends who have known me since before my first marriage how I've changed and they've said not at all, which is how I see it.

    Taking the footjobs as an example, I have always been part submissive since I started fantasizing about sex as a kid, and I've always wanted to be with someone who had perverted fantasies I could fulfill. I will always love footjobs as long as I'm with someone who loves to do them, same way as I love cunnilingus.

    I can't marry a woman who's dominant because I also have a dominant side that I need to express; she's going to have to be another switch. That's actually a another example of what you're talking about; I had become reluctant to express or think about my dominant side. But I knew it was there. All the things that had changed are back in my life, and they were mostly surface things.