Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Flexible and inflexible kink

It seems to me that kink tends to run in clusters. People are into pain, not so much a certain kind of pain; they're usually a bit flexible about how the pain is created. Or people are into dominating, but how they want to dominate, they can be kind of flexible about.

I think that's because the kink is connecting to some sort of emotional need, even though most people don't seem to know what the need it is. Other things connect to the same need. People have favorite methods, but they can be flexible about the method as long as it connects to the right need.

An example of the flexibility I have in mind is that I was never particularly interested in pain. Then I started meeting women who were, who were deeply enthusiastic about the sensation just because it was an extreme sensation, and I am certainly into that. I suppose I'm still not into pain as pain, but I am pretty enthusiastic about making someone shudder ecstatically with a growl and an arm twist or a violet wand. That same thought, though, would be sickening and repellent with a woman who wasn't clear about enjoying it.

Or from the other side, I was never interested in receiving pain. It doesn't do anything for me in itself. But I can easily imagine tying it into my submissive need to show/prove my desire for her, say by a game where I stuck needles through my own skin for touches from my lover.

Then there's other stuff where I'm not flexible. I have very hard limits on verbal humiliation; only very specific kinds are OK. A lot of kinds that I've heard don't connect with my "lift my partner up" emotional need, so it feels to me like the emotional abuse that it is on the surface. Or orgasm denial; that's basically my nightmare made real. Both of those things are liked by many other people when they're playing submissive, but they don't serve my emotional needs.


  1. I think everyone has their own style of kink. The Dom/sub thing is interesting to me, and I could see integrating that into a game some night. But I don't really understand having kink as your whole lifestyle. Not that I think there is any inherent problem with the way any consenting adults want to live, I just can't wrap my brain around it personally. I can play dominant or submissive for a short time, but in real life, we are partners.
    Of course, with any kind of kink, consent must be extremely clear. I mean, I like for Clint to tie me up on occasion and be very rough. I'm a strong proponent of safe words because it frees you both up to play in the moment without worry.
    I definitely don't get the verbal humiliation. It's just not something I could be comfortable with. I'm Clint biggest fan, and he's mine. But that's part of being in tune with each other and wanting to build each other up rather than tear each other down.
    And orgasm denial!! just no.
    Kink is a very trust based thing. And not being into a certain kind of kink does not necessarily denote a lack of trust. It's a lot about trusting your partner to know your boundaries and push them appropriately. We live in a fallen world, and thus, we all come with baggage. Far too many carry deep scars from damage and abuse. As far as I'm concerned, each sexual encounter should leave each party satisfied in some way beyond just the orgasm. And really, it shouldn't even be dependent on orgasm. Because we all know it doesn't always happen. But you know it's great sex when it doesn't matter. You are satisfied anyway.
    Interesting about filling a need. I think you are right, but we get into a far more involved discussion to figure out exactly what that need might be.

  2. Actually the verbal humiliation I'm into isn't really humiliation the way I take it. I love, for example, being called "dirty boy" in a warm, approving tone. Because I fear that my kinkiness is repellent, and that expresses that it's actually a plus for the woman speaking.

    It's difficult to figuring out what the underlying need is, and it's different for each person, but I think it's worthwhile. Figuring out mine is what a lot of the early part of this blog was about.

  3. Dude that's not verbal humiliation. That's play which is just fun. That's teasing dirty talk. Big difference. With your future wife you'll never call her a nasty skank and insist that you double wrap it before insertion. That would be verbal humiliation.