Communication Problems In A Nutshell

I guess there were a lot of problems between my wife and I. But here's a story that sums up the point of failure that defeated my attempts to resolve them, and I think defeated hers too.

A couple of days ago we got together for lunch. I had found a pair of her socks, and told her to remind me to give them to her back at my house. I said I was hoping Saturnine Thespian (the new guy) was doing well. I mentioned how much I'm hoping for a letter from the judge, she told me she thought when it came it would be effectively backdated to when the 90-day wait was over. She told me about her upcoming trip to Greece, and her New Year's plans. After lunch I asked her for a last kiss goodbye, which she kindly granted, while I teared up badly.

I didn't think the divorce was backdated, so I looked it up later. I sent her two e-mails.

For what it's worth, I found my copy of the "Waiver Of Notice Of Intention To Request Entry Of A Divorce Decree Under 3301(c) Of The Divorce Code" that we both had to sign, which says in part:

"3. I understand I will not be divorced until a divorce decree is entered by the Court and that a copy of the decree will be sent to me immediately after it is filed with the prothonotary."

That's why I'm still wearing my ring when I'm not working with metal. It's part of why I was surprised when I heard you were already dating. I hope I'm not being rude to say this but if you want forgiveness for that, you have it already, without asking. I hope you find someone who will make you happier than I did.

Best regards,
[Mousie]

and

I still have a pair of your socks.

Regards,
[Mousie]

I got a cheerful reply to the socks one and nothing to the first one. Maybe this isn't the best example, what was she really supposed to say to the first one? But it's emblematic. She'd talk about trivialities and most immediate practicalities but I couldn't get her to talk about anything consequential to the relationship. (Appropriate music.) She's said I should already understand; which baloney I bought for a long time and felt guilty about.

Do me a favor? Next time you hear someone talk about men's lack of communication skills, kick them in the ass for me. Metaphorically! (I guess.)

Busy in the physical world

I've got stuff I want to talk about, but I'm also a slow writer and I've got a ton of chores in my neglected house. Please bear with me for a bit, I'll be back.

Home!

I am back home! My monitor, which I bought in a flush period for gaming, is freaking gigantic. I was using a hand-me-down laptop with a small screen at my parent's. Now I see why my wife used to say she felt like my monitor was shouting at her.

I have the rather ludicrous handgun I habitually carry back on my hip; I've been used to this as a constant companion for about 17 years, and I missed it. It was illegal where I was. It's part of my extremely prepared persona, like the Swisstool or the lighter (though I don't smoke).

The dogs are back on the sofa; they weren't allowed on any furniture at my parent's. (Here they have a sofa and one armchair besides dog beds.)

I have been thinking of indulging my exhibitionism by posting a picture of my face, and my paranoia by deleting it after about a week. Any of my friends who read this blog would know who I am anyway; how many Christians got divorced and broke their necks in Aikido in the same time period? So, I ask for advice; any repercussions you can think of that I can't?

The Canticle of the Sun

The Canticle of Brother Sun
by Francis of Assisi

Most High, all powerful, good Lord,
Yours are the praises, the glory, the honor,
and all blessing.

To You alone, Most High, do they belong,
and no man is worthy to mention Your name.

Be praised, my Lord, through all your creatures,
especially through my lord Brother Sun,
who brings the day; and you give light through him.
And he is beautiful and radiant in all his splendor!
Of you, Most High, he bears the likeness.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Sister Moon
and the stars, in heaven you formed them
clear and precious and beautiful.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Brother Wind,
and through the air, cloudy and serene,
and every kind of weather through which
You give sustenance to Your creatures.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Sister Water,
which is very useful and humble and precious and chaste.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Brother Fire,
through whom you light the night and he is beautiful
and playful and robust and strong.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Sister Mother Earth,
who sustains us and governs us and who produces
varied fruits with colored flowers and herbs.

Praised be You, my Lord,
through those who give pardon for Your love,
and bear infirmity and tribulation.

Blessed are those who endure in peace
for by You, Most High, they shall be crowned.

Praised be You, my Lord,
through our Sister Bodily Death,
from whom no living man can escape.

Woe to those who die in mortal sin.
Blessed are those whom death will
find in Your most holy will,
for the second death shall do them no harm.

Praise and bless my Lord,
and give Him thanks
and serve Him with great humility.

Source: Franciscan Friars Third Order Regular

---------------

I made myself kind of miserable this Christmas day by missing my wife and thinking about how if I were a better man she might have stayed. Often, I make myself miserable by focusing on my own inadequacies and self-doubt. Today, though, I'm remembering how much more there is in this world; how much I still have to admire and enjoy. My inadequacies don't matter when instead of focusing on myself I focus on the beautiful world God put me in to see.

Today is a good day.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! If you don't celebrate Christmas I still wish you a merry December 25th through January 6th!

Clean hair

I decided the holes in my head were healed enough to risk normal water-rinse shampooing it (three times). It's been over two and a half months. Used the no-rinse "astronaut" shampoo several times, but it's not the same.

Rejoice with me, for I have clean hair!

Unfair impressions

I have a problem with the word "feminism" and the associations it has for me. Recently I went over how it's exactly the same problem many people I know have with Christianity, and probably equally unfair; and perhaps equally fair.

Almost anybody will say that Christianity says lots of good things; but they think those things are or should be obvious. Certainly Christians aren't the only ones who say them. So when Christians are saying good things, they don't stand out. That's one of my reactions to feminism; the good things it says tend to be obvious.

One really stands out when one is saying things that are different or objectionable. And that space is crowded with the lunatics and the hatemongers. Which is why feminism is associated with prudery, repression, sexism, and guilt in my mind, just those things that people accuse Christianity of promoting.

Prudery, repression, sexism, and guilt. The idea that virtually all heterosexual sexual expression is predation by entitled men. The idea that a man may not be dominant without being evil and a woman may not be submissive without being victimized; and that even if it's the other way around it's probably fake domination to fill his submissive kinks. The idea that a man is doing a woman wrong by any expression of sexual interest. The guilt of still wanting those things. The guilt of having been born a man, and therefore always suspect. Born someone excluded by the very name "feminism". Catch-22, damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't, unavoidable guilt. If I spank her I'm exploiting her; if she spanks me I'm still exploiting her.

I'm not providing any links here because I don't want to assemble a case and provide evidence; I'm intending to report a perception not bring an accusation. I can tell this is perception is false from the self-identified feminists I read all the time. On the other hand I can tell it is true from other self-identified feminists who I don't read very much. Or self-identified former feminists. Or things like reading a female bisexual who only applies sadism to men because of feminism (sorry, that's sexist).

Christianity has an advantage here, if you want you can go back to the Book to see which Christian is presenting the true face. (Hint: it may be the one saying "I may not participate in this", it's never the one saying "You are horrible for participating in this.") Feminism doesn't have one central reference you can check things against. Maybe if it did I'd find I could call myself a feminist.

Looking Crazy to a Dog

I was just doing the Hsing I Five Elements Linking Form (my balance is thrown off a bit by my still-limited neck movement), and one of my dogs started barking hysterically and doesn't want to come too close to me now. Something I've noticed is that you generally shouldn't let a dog see you practice martial arts. They can see you fighting, they can see you taking it seriously, and they can see there's no one there. The only conclusion they can make is that you are insane. What would you think of a dog who was seriously biting the air, not looking playful?

Envy

Envy and jealousy aren't the same. (Sometimes I get annoyed that I can subdivide these so finely in English but I need to borrow from Greek to discuss love.) Jealousy would be a situation where I did not want my wife and the new guy to be happy; because I felt she was mine, or because I was not. I think I feel relatively little jealousy. I can hope that I'm wrong about how bad he is for her. I can think of several guys I'd be reasonably happy to see her with.

But Rogue Bambi in comments to the Forgiveness post made me realize that envy is where I have the bigger problem in this case. One of the things that had bugged me in our marriage is that I could not get her to wear costumes she wore at conventions at home for me. But she will apparently wear a slave collar for him.

envy (noun) 1. Resentful desire of something possessed by another or others (but not limited to material possessions). (Definiton from Wiktionary.)

I feel resentful desire for what she will do for him but wouldn't for me. I believe that would have changed everything. I have to face this down in myself.

I also have to face down her part, so I can forgive her. And so I don't exaggerate my own fault in the breakup, which I am prone to do. Because that sort of withholding in marriage is behaviour that I find wrong and contemptible; I would accept no such thing in myself, and I explained before we were married that I would not respect any such attitude in her.

Things like the costume thing have also always made it difficult for me to accept what she said about how hard she tried. There were a good number of things she did for me; they just were not what I asked for. Perhaps she was trying to get me to accept the real her, without being told that was the choice before me.

If I don't face her faults, if I just gloss over them and pretend they never happened, I cannot forgive them.

Dash Berlin - Till The Sky Falls Down

Almost exactly the same tune as the Dash Berlin "You Never Said" I linked before. No wonder I couldn't keep these straight.



Coming across it again, I remember how the lyrics spoke to me; before she actually left.

It's been so long since I have touched you
I can't remember how it feels
To have your loving arms around me
This is the pain that never heals
....
I'll be waiting
Till the sky falls down
Till you come around, baby
....
All I need is one good answer
To understand why you are gone
Everything reminds me of you
Without you I can't go on

Now, of course, I have to stop waiting and go on. But without easing my way through hate and rejection. It's not that I don't feel it, it's that I must fight it.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is central to life as a Christian; our doctrine of the forgiveness of sin is the primary philosophical difference between Christianity and other religions. We are offered God's forgiveness for our sins, when we repent of them, as we forgive those who sin against us and repent of it.

Forgiving my wife has not been so hard, for a couple of reasons. I can excuse most of the impact; and what I can excuse, needs no forgiveness. Jealousy really doesn't bother me as much as a normal person. She left me back in February, and initiated the divorce months ago, so she's only cheating on me in a rather technical sense. And I can certainly understand the loneliness and pain a divorced person feels; a new relationship slaps a band-aid on that. Still, I wouldn't have done to her, so some forgiveness was required; where you acknowledge that it was actually wrong but still forgive. But I love her, and that makes it much easier. I reminded her that we'd been talking about getting together for lunch sometime, so she'd know I wasn't holding this against her. (BTW, much thanks to the sexblogger world, especially Perverse Cowgirl and Rogue Bambi, for showing me that there is much better than her out there.)

The other guy is more of a problem. His offense against me was much smaller; he never made any vows. But my problem is I always had an instinctive dislike of this guy to begin with. He's got a fashion sense/style that I automatically dislike (oiled and saturnine). And there was always something about his conversation.

But, much more than that, I think he's hurting her. It isn't good for her to be in a relationship so soon. On his side of the balance, she and I became emotionally attached when she was still technically in her last marriage, and though I pretty much kept it from becoming sexual, now I know that the emotional attachment wasn't good for her either.

My instinctive reaction to this guy is that he is exactly the type to hurt a woman emotionally, so that instinct complicates my attitude. I still have a problem with him. There is a part of me that wants to irimi nage him into next week. Forgiving his sins against her is for her and God, not me. But I don't think I've even successfully forgiven his little sin against me.

Most Christian resources would tell me that I do not actually need to forgive anyone until they repent; in fact they go further and indicate I should not. These two are certainly not repenting (I haven't even pointed out the offense.) I don't buy that I should wait for them to repent though.

When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified [Jesus] there, along with the criminals &mdash one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:33-34 (NIV)

Jesus didn't wait for them to understand their offense or repent. And He is my model. But I'm going to need to pray for help in offering this guy Christian love. (If you're a praying person you'll know how hard that will be.)

If I could allow myself to hate, it would be so much easier in the short term; it's a great temptation. If I hated her I wouldn't have to acknowledge my own faults so much; if I hated him, likewise. (Well actually I do hate him a bit, but I'm working on that.) It would hurt me in the long term though. Christianity is certainly not different in that, I think lots of religious, philosophies, and even self-help seminars could tell me that.

Flirting

June Clever's comments on the Availability as a draw post prompted me to write out some thoughts on flirting. Especially as I realized I'd misspoken on that post. I made it sound like I objected to any display of sexiness without availability, and that's not what I meant. What I objected to so much there is the combination of invitation and harsh, sarcastic rejection.

Flirting in itself is pretty awesome. It's an indication of admiration, not a promise. Even if one or both parties are not really going to pursue any kind of relationship, flirting done kindly feeds both parties' self-esteem and usually does no one any harm. If there is a danger, it's usually to the self-esteem of a third party; say the spouse of one of the first two. And that was why I avoided it so long (and am incompetent now); my wife was cheated on in her first marriage. I always tried very hard not to flirt and to be either a bit cool or painfully earnest in my attitude, so nothing would hurt her with remembering the betrayal. I try to be careful with other's spouses for the same reason, but not everybody is that jealous so often there is no need.

Flirting taken too far to the outside of an exclusive relationship, of course is the first step in cheating; or in a different scenario, it may be the first step in a relationship. So I try to make some kind of concrete indication of where flirting isn't going in the very beginning, and then I don't take it very far anyway because I tend to feel that I'm unattractive and therefore my flirting is unflattering and unwelcome.

It's a skill that I'm going to need to knock the rust from sometime.

A story of mood swings through music.

A story of mood swings through music.

When I first found out my wife was wearing a slave collar and running around with that other guy; despair:
Metallica - Fade To Black

When I decided again that I didn't want to be the leader she apparently wanted, that as a man it is often implied that I should be; defiance:
Metallica - Escape

Remembering what these worldly troubles mean; resignation:
Kansas - Dust In The Wind

A song I don't agree with but still like; more specific and cheerful resignation:
Kaskade - Be Still

Facing the pain and getting ready to go on:

Bimbo Jones - Freeze (2010 Piano Mix)

Final version of Cockrub up on Literotica

The final version of my mdom/fsub story Cockrub is up on Literotica. It didn't change much from the version here, mostly grammatical changes.

No bolts in my head

I am no longer in a Halo brace but now in a cervical collar (Philadelphia collar), waiting for a call on whether I need surgery after all. I had thought that was ruled out, but if the still-partly-open vertebra opens further during neck flexion and extension, apparently I'll need surgery.
UPDATE: NO SURGERY!

But I no longer have my head bolted to a framework, which is awesome. I will now be able to shower in a more conventional way, albeit with a shower cap because the holes from the skull pins are still open; in a week or so I should be able to shampoo my hair. (It's been cleaned with no-rinse "astronaut" shampoo but it's not the same.)

UPDATE: It'll be a year before I can get back to Aikido. I will probably go back to Kung Fu and see how my knees hold up. I'm not supposed to wear the Philadelphia collar all the time; PT is me trying to hold my head up and move it around, get my range of motion back.

Less posting

Posting may be light and not very philosophical for a bit; I'm going to the doctor to see if my broken neck is healed enough to get the brace off my head. I may be busy trying to pull some bits of my life back together.

Best I can do under the circumstances

Despite my earlier catty comment, I want my wife to be OK. And I do think she's making a mistake. I emailed her asking if she were OK, saying I'd heard something surprising; she emailed back asking what I'd heard. I told her what I'd heard and said I was concerned since she'd told me she wanted to find herself and it was hard to do that in a relationship, especially a submissive one. She told me she was OK and promised she'd tell me if she wasn't.

So, I think that's the best I can do. I'm sure it's a mistake, but at least there aren't immediately obvious problems. And who knows, sometimes mistakes in judgement lead to happy consequences; just because you pick a guy at the wrong time doesn't automatically mean you get the wrong guy. I wish her luck.

I do really want the damn divorce finalized, though.

Not so embarrassing after all

A while ago I was wondering how I was going to embarrass myself this time around, in an insecure and desperate bid for attention and affirmation of my attractiveness. Between my first and second marriage I showed off my skill at cunnilingus by working the cream out of a cream donut with my tongue, for some rather horrified friends who didn't much want to think of me that way.

The pressure is off. Whatever awkwardness I'm going to commit, it will much be better than being a married woman running around with another man while wearing a slave collar.

Thank you

My parent's internet is down and I can't see how to comment from my cell phone. This is a quick post from my phone to say thank you for your supporting comments. It means a whole lot to me.

Worried

I'm kind of worried about my wife. The news is awfully different from her previous self for early in a relationship, especially one that's taking place so soon after the previous LTR that she's actually still married. If she'd taken more time alone to decide this is who she really is, I'd feel more comfortable with it.

Not really my business any more, of course.

In other worried news, I should get the Halo brace off on Tuesday; if I can persuade the hospital to rush the process of making the disk with CT scan images of my neck.

Fuck that.

So there was a guy that I was pretty sure my wife was going to end up with. Not really my business. Paperwork isn't final and I still wear my ring, but who she's going to end up with isn't really my business.

Just found out she was wandering around with him at a gaming convention a couple weeks ago (that I couldn't go to because of my broken neck), her wearing a leather collar that said "SLAVE".

Oh.

She poured herself into my mold, but I always wanted a loyal but independent ally and you can't mold that.

She said she lost herself and needed to find herself. I'm not even a tiny bit of a pushy guy, so I couldn't imagine why she couldn't find herself with me. She didn't need to find herself, she needed someone to tell her who she was.

She said she entrusted me with her emotional health and I failed to take care of it. Oh.

I had terrible trouble domming her because she wouldn't communicate and tell me what was OK with her. Because domming to me is only play. She wanted someone who would really dom her and tell her what was OK.

When I heard this, there was part of me that said some ugly stuff. That blamed myself for not being manly enough; if I had been more pushy, domineering, if I had taken a leadership role, I'd still have her. She'd wear a collar that said "SLAVE" when I wanted. I'm sure she's banging the shit out of him. It was pretty good when we first started, and, well, "SLAVE". Maybe that's what women really want.

Fuck that. FUCK. THAT. Even if it was what "women" wanted, which I don't believe, it's not what I want. I don't want to be a master or a slave. I don't want to have a master or a slave. I want a lover who will play both with me, yes. But I want her to be an independent, loyal ally; with a strong personality of her own. Sworn to each other forever from our liberty and for our benefit and security.

UPDATE: There's nothing wrong with being in a leadership position in a family. Am I just making a virtue of a weakness to make myself feel better?

UPDATE: Apparently I can feel possessive jealousy under the right circumstances and for a time.

Weird kind of pickiness

I think women are beautiful. In my eyes, most women of my acquaintance are absolute works of art and worth spending a lot of time just looking at. (Not that I do, because that would be creepy). Even the ones who aren't amazing works of art are still attractive to me. I think I'd make a very good mate for a woman who needed a lot of reassurance about her looks.

I feel very bad about the only exception, actually, because the her problems are serious medical ones; but I have a fairly sensitive nose and I struggle with the urea smell that tends to go with peritoneal dialysis. Perverse Cowgirl has written definitively on why you just have to admit a potential partner's looks, or in this case smell, does matter.

On the other hand, there's such a thing as too beautiful for me. While watching the video of Katherine Ellis's interview at Mynt that I linked the other day, I kept thinking "Quit with these clips of skinny girls dancing, I want to see Katherine!" When I search for porn I tend to go with a "mature" tag. Famous actresses do not stir me much. I can certainly see the beauty in a woman who is conventionally extraordinarily beautiful, but it doesn't make me want her as much as someone I see as more on my level; I feel an appreciation of her beauty more like the one I feel for a beautiful landscape or painting. One reason for that will be pretty obvious to people who've been following this blog; I feel myself inadequate to being with a woman who's too attractive. And that idea has worked itself way down deep.

This is deeper than some of my other weirdnesses. An example of a shallower one is that despite being a switch, because I put women on such a pedestal I have trouble with female submissive porn. I tend not to look for it; if I come across it there's an instant twinge of interest followed by an only slightly less instant feeling of guilt. But if I remind myself that there are women who like it, and I would be all happy if I were submitting to her, it's OK. So that's not too deep, I'll be able to get over that pretty easily as far (as getting over neuroses goes).

But I have a certain amount of trouble with porn because the women look too good, and something in my head goes "No way". Apparently a similar problem is quite common; some extremely conventionally attractive women complain that guys are afraid of them and only the really arrogant assholes ever approach them. I guess there's not so many men who commonly take the "too attractive" problem as far as applying it to porn. In porn I get over that by not thinking about it at all if the action is interesting enough, fantasizing about being more attractive myself, or fantasizing about a scenario where I am more attractive by environment or accomplishment (a fantasy or sci-fi theme helps here; mighty warrior Mousie and the grateful rescuee. Probably going to be a story sometime.)

This whole too-hot-for-me thing is something else I want to work on; because there are absolutely women who like my looks that I wouldn't ask out because I assume they wouldn't like my looks. There's a certain woman in my friend group that I think is the most conventionally attractive in that group, and hits lots of my personal hot buttons as well. She's going through a divorce too, and is like me presumably desperate and insecure. A few months ago I was playing a board game with her and others, on a floor in a crowded room. She climbed past me with what seemed like some unnecessary contact, which I admit was nice, then said "Don't worry I'm not touching you in a bad way." Then she put her hand on my calf and said "Unless you ask me to." (I just sort of pretended it didn't happen, to allow her to do the same thing; that seemed nicer than any other polite "no" I could think of. BTW I think we'd be incompatible in the long run in other ways.)

Since she's the very first person I think of when I think of "out of my league", I probably should just ditch the whole concept and not worry about who's in a higher league.

Body art

I don't want to lose the right woman because of a stupid issue of taste. It would be tragic and boneheaded, for example, to miss out on my kinky Christian match because she's blonde and I prefer brunettes. As far as I can, I want to train myself out of those before I'm back on the market. If I try to do it after meeting someone, there is the risk that the initial glow of romance will hide something that continues to bother me. On the other hand, some personal style choices can illustrate a genuine difference of perspective.

I recently read Charles de Lint's The Mystery of Grace, which features an extensively tattooed protagonist, which made me think of this. I have a real problem with tattoos, erotically; a woman with tattoos never looks naked to me. Tattoos, or even piercings, are basically clothing in my mind, clothing that the woman has decided never to take off.

I love working around clothing as a sometimes thing; a skirt with no panties or an open blouse with no bra, for example, can be super hot. But if a woman told me she'd vowed never to take them all the way off, I'd feel like I feel about tattoos. (Except for the "How do you bathe?" questions.)

The protagonist from the book I mentioned thinks of her tattoos as stories from her heart, written on her skin. One, for example, is a picture of her mother. So, it's great that you love your mother, and never want to forget her. That's beautiful. But wearing a picture of your mother every time you have sex? That's where it doesn't work for me. The same goes for any message. To take one of my own messages, it's essential to me to remember Christ in my big decisions about sex. But I don't want my partner looking at a cross tattooed on me, being reminded of His sacrifice, while we're fucking. There's a time and place for everything, and even our most treasured principles, memories, or associations don't need to be front and center ALL the time.

So, that's my problem with tattoos. I kind of hope someone can change my mind.

Availability as a draw

Svutlana says that sexual attraction comes from the perception of high attractiveness and low availability in each other. I do not believe that to be the case in general. Perhaps for some people; but I find low availability to be the most offputting of traits.

I've had a music video I wanted to post for a couple of days, and right now it's particularly apropos. I wanted to post it because I think it's about the sexiest thing I've ever seen. But if there's one thing it does not convey compared to other videos, at least in my opinion, that is "low availability".


"Harlem One Stop" by Bimbo Jones. That's singer-songwriter Katherine Ellis.

Compare with, say, Pink's "U + Ur Hand". The combination of the unavailable song message plus the obvious sexy intent of the video production should match the high attractiveness - low availability formula perfectly. But after watching each I would rather have coffee with Katherine Ellis than be the only man on an otherwise deserted island full of Pink clones. Nothing wrong with singing about wanting to be left alone, but singing about wanting to be left alone while suggestively stroking props with a come-hither look sucks.

What do you come up with if you try to imagine someone who finds the Pink video with the unavailable song message sexy? I come up with nothing good.

There's an interesting contradiction here between what I find attractive, and furthermore likable, and what I offer publicly. Because I think that a man's primary politeness trait is concealing desire and availability. I go way out of my way to either hide desire or strongly indicate unavailability because I assume that my desire is most likely offensive and creepy on its own; and that that offense may be neutralized by indicating my unavailability. Someone wanting to have sex with me makes me like them more even as a friend, as long as I don't get the impression that they are pining and I am torturing them by hanging out with them. Revealing I wanted to have sex with someone else is something I expect to have the opposite effect.



In other news, between Harlem One Stop, And I Try, Insatiable, When You Touch Me, and others, I'm totally in love with Katherine Ellis.

First draft of an erotic story: Her Birthday

Here's the first draft of a story I've had in mind for a long time, that tries to reflect how I feel about giving in sex. I started actually writing it after the What being a switch means to me post.

Vantem - You Never Said (Dash Berlin Remix)

Music post because I don't have anything especially interesting to say right now.

Stupid penis tricks

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What being a switch means to me

This has been edited to include things learned from the comments.

The reason I'm a switch is because of what submission/domination mean to me in the context of a Christian marriage; most of it applies in other LTR contexts. But who knows what it means to others?

The submissive is giving their dignity, their trust, a measure of control over their body; they are accepting some humiliation and pain. They are saying "I will accept pain, I will abase myself, because I want to give you pleasure." My form of submission also pretty much always includes an element where the submissive is getting sexually excited with much less that the dominant has to offer; foot play is the major example of this for me. The submissive is saying "You are so wonderful, so beautiful, that only this little bit of what you have is enough for me". The submissive is expressing compliments and love through self-sacrifice; and that it is happy self-sacrifice is one of the greatest compliments. When I am the submissive, I feel good about giving, and thus about pain; I feel proud of humiliation. I enjoy it a lot within a marriage, but I would not enjoy it with someone I didn't love the way I would something simple and non-submissive.

The dominant has a much more psychologically passive role in my little world, even if it's more physically and mentally active. The dominant is receiving the compliments and the love and the trust. The dominant must dominate to allow the submissive expression. If the dominant is too hesitant, too mild, the submissive's feelings are not fully expressed. If the dominant goes too far, the trust is betrayed.

Missing from my analysis is any idea of why the pain and humiliation of the submissive is a good thing to me as a dominant. Certainly in an ordinary context it's bad. I'm all about giving her backrubs or my coat if it's cold. Why do I want it in a sexy context? I don't know.

In a Christian marriage the participants give rights over their bodies to each other; both the husband to the wife and the wife to the husband is specified in the Bible, not just one way. D/S play is the way I like to see that expressed; it's the fun way.

I figure domination and submission must mean very different things for people who are not switches, and likely in lots of cases for other switches too. What do they mean to you?