Found in the attic

When I was with my ex, I controlled my sexuality in two ways:

1) I saved it entirely for her. Her last husband cheated on her so I always acted as if she might be extra sensitive about that.

2) As I've mentioned here before, with her lack of openness about sex I controlled, or repressed, everything that I thought she might feel was too demanding. (with the opposite result that I'd intended.)

Last week involved a lot of thinking how to politely and kindly deflect some offers. It seems, logically enough, that as my confidence comes back I get more attention, which boosts my confidence. Now, with the attention I've been getting lately, to which I'm quite unaccustomed, I no longer feel like my kinks are too demanding; I'm feeling more like they are what they are, you have to mostly accept them if you happen to want me. (Don't worry, I'm not going to get egotistical; I'll never forget for example that most women prefer skinny pretty guys to my type.)

I feel like so much of my sexuality was boxed up and stuck in the attic, and I'm only now taking the box down and looking through it. Sure, I remembered it, but it wasn't present and active. To choose a fairly vanilla example, I've barely looked at softcore porn based on photographs of naked women posing. I always got too hung up on the idea that they couldn't concieveably be interested. Now I still don't think any porn stars would be interested, but I don't get so hung up on that as to be unable to fantasize. And the kinks; it used to be that hentai (unreal and so less unattainable) of footjobs was what I went too almost all the time. Now I'm enjoying some of the other stuff I really haven't got anything from in years.

Self-righteousness and aversion fads

Over at NSWATM, there's an open thread regarding what people think is hot. I was struck by the number of comments saying things like "never a Republican" and "never a Christian". Those negative comments are pretty much always aimed at people like me; there are few negative comments aimed at looks (which is good that people are mostly sticking to the positive). But that kind of attitude is why I stay away from NSWATM most of the time despite being an Ozy fan.

I am turned off by the kind of self-righteousness and ignorant, prejudiced, insular groupthink it takes to make that kind of comment. One of the women I dated gave me a vibe of possibly being that way about people who are different in the sexual area, like LGBT/poly. So when I took her to Dorian's Parlor, I emailed some poly/bi friends and asked them specifically NOT to tone anything down around her or any other date I had. If she can't accept my friends, I'm not going to date her; and that goes for my friends with different politics or religion too.

I was thinking about commenting on this there, but I think it's probably a "never wrestle with a pig" situation.

Political post/bragging on my people.

I read two sets of blogs; basically sex/gender issues blogs, mostly kinda liberal, and gun issues blogs, mostly kinda libertarian/conservative. Many of the sex/gender issues blogs mentioned opposition to SOPA/PIPA. The gun blogs all did, and Republicans have been moving more on the issue.

And then just recently I came across this: An Open Letter To The Anti-Gun Folks

And I noticed that one of the sex blogs that did mention SOPA also mentioned the right to defend oneself.

And I thought about how I've never heard a bad word about Pink Pistols from my community of "bitter clingers", and all the good ones I've heard.

You know what? You want to find a straight, cis, vanilla person who will stand for all freedoms, including sexual ones? Your best first step is to find someone with a permit to carry a gun.

SOPA/PIPA protest post.

Craving

After nearly two years, generally craving sex is much more manageable for me than it was early on. But some days are worse than others. This is a bad day.

It's probably because of a combination of things; friends lent me Secretary and Shortbus to watch, pointed out the huge gap between my actual rules (no causing orgasms) and behavior (almost totally asexual), there was the ego hit from finding out the poly girl New Year's Eve had been prompted and then there was the contrary emotion when another friend (who has told me she's had a crush on me for a decade) confided she'd dreamed about me following a massage with anal sex on the massage table.

Sometimes celibacy is really tough.

Back to zero

Rook put in a good word for me about my New Year's Eve kiss thing with the pretty poly girl mentioned previously here and here. So that brings me back to zero cases in my life where a woman has done anything sexual in nature with me just based on my looks. Except maybe when a girl slapped my ass in passing in college. I am grateful that Rook did this because otherwise it just would have been the girl who rode with me, and since I was going for "anyone interested in the whole building" that would have been sad. But still, I'm feeling a bit like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.

The zero number, really, is the fault of my behavior. I am so focused on being nice, nonthreatening, not a tease, that I come off as extremely reserved. Nobody's going to try anything at all, given my attitude. And I'll try to remember that, rather than focusing on zero.

Name Thrash

So, I'm pondering another name change. AndrewVanbergen was something I came up with on the spur of the moment just because I wanted different names on my different accounts. Now I'm thinking MrMegatherium. Because in a world full of people trying to sort themselves into Alpha Wolf: "type A", "Dominant", "leader" and Omega Wolf: "type B", "submissive", "follower", Megatherium is what I feel like.

Comments? Suggestions?

Also, at least one person is having trouble posting comments. Anyone else having trouble? If so, please email me at mousie seven six two at gmail dot com.

--

Note: the "alpha-omega" thing seems to give hives to people who know what wolf pack structure is like.