Monday, January 23, 2012

Found in the attic

When I was with my ex, I controlled my sexuality in two ways:

1) I saved it entirely for her. Her last husband cheated on her so I always acted as if she might be extra sensitive about that.

2) As I've mentioned here before, with her lack of openness about sex I controlled, or repressed, everything that I thought she might feel was too demanding. (with the opposite result that I'd intended.)

Last week involved a lot of thinking how to politely and kindly deflect some offers. It seems, logically enough, that as my confidence comes back I get more attention, which boosts my confidence. Now, with the attention I've been getting lately, to which I'm quite unaccustomed, I no longer feel like my kinks are too demanding; I'm feeling more like they are what they are, you have to mostly accept them if you happen to want me. (Don't worry, I'm not going to get egotistical; I'll never forget for example that most women prefer skinny pretty guys to my type.)

I feel like so much of my sexuality was boxed up and stuck in the attic, and I'm only now taking the box down and looking through it. Sure, I remembered it, but it wasn't present and active. To choose a fairly vanilla example, I've barely looked at softcore porn based on photographs of naked women posing. I always got too hung up on the idea that they couldn't concieveably be interested. Now I still don't think any porn stars would be interested, but I don't get so hung up on that as to be unable to fantasize. And the kinks; it used to be that hentai (unreal and so less unattainable) of footjobs was what I went too almost all the time. Now I'm enjoying some of the other stuff I really haven't got anything from in years.


  1. I'll never forget for example that most women prefer skinny pretty guys to my type.

    Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think it's "most". I'm mentally going through all my chick friends and the majority of them dig a dude who's kinda burly.

    And even if "most" chicks do like guys who are skinnier and more effeminate than you are, so what? From what I've read here you still have plenty of women interested in you, so it all works out, yes?

    Anyway, I'm glad you're finding your sexuality again. I remember that part of my own post-divorce journey; it was pretty awesome and illuminating. :)

  2. @perversecowgirl - I do think it's most. There are lots of women who ALSO like guys who are a little burly, so it's not going to be a big limiting factor for me; but I know a total of one woman, online, and zero in meatspace, who prefers burly to skinny and androgynous-pretty.

    Coleasquid also prefers burly men, but I don't know her, I just like her comic that says it's ok to be cis male.
    Especially, when I feel jealous of the attention the Bill Kaulitzes and Orlando Blooms of the world, this one.
    LabRat, the one I was counting, posted something really interesting discussing the difference between male power fantasy (e.g. enormous superhero physiques) and female sexual fantasy (e.g. bishounen).

    I've been meaning to make a post on this, but the short form is that I know I am privileged among men though not so much among women, and given the choice I would rather remain able to carry my anvil out of storage when I want to do a little blacksmithing than have fangirls having birthday parties 'for' (about) me. Which a couple of my meatspace friends did re the Kaulitz twins this year.

    Not that I'm all that muscular, either, but I think compared to the men around me I'm definitely on the burly side of the line rather than the skinny side.

  3. I really do not care for the skinny, pretty guys, Mousie, so you know two women who like the big, burly types. I wasn't kidding when I called you eye candy.

  4. Thank you, HH! Two who like the bigger guys better! :D