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Monday, January 24, 2011

Age differences

Some of the things I used to think of as inescapable criteria in finding a partner are eroding; because as I talk to people who see things differently I'm not finding a foundation to it. One of them is age. I always used to think it was really super creepy for an older man to get romantically involved with a much younger woman; mostly if I was the older man. I never thought the same way when the genders were reversed. So if it's not a bad thing for an older woman to be involved with a younger man, why is it such a bad thing when it's the other way around? The happiest marriage I know much about, Determined Girl and One-Man Carnival Guy, has 15 years difference (the guy is the older one).

There have been a lot of little instances giving me the feeling no one else cared that much about the age differences. The most recent is that the woman I was talking to so much at Dorian's said some things that gave me the false impression she was about 20-21, and I started feeling really awkward at even hanging around talking to her, and explained that not only was I not looking for a relationship but I was secretly a decrepit 41. She's actually 26. And she dated a 42 year old when she was 22. So here I am saying I feel creepy at being admittedly kind of flirty and she tells me she dated an older man than me when she was younger.

I've been looking for why I thought matching age was such a big hairy deal, and I'm not coming up with anything. It never had any foundation of logic beneath it.

I guess it was really because my fragile ego didn't want to face the idea of being the creepy old man. It's seeming like I was the only one who cared.

5 comments:

  1. It isn't the age so much as it is the maturity levels that make the difference. A pair of very good friends of mine have a nineteen year age gap--but he's much younger than his years, and she's much older than hers, so they meet in the middle.

    My husband and I are only two years apart, but about equal in maturity (and I'm 9-10 years younger than you; I'll be 32 in another month and a half). If I didn't have my other half, and were to look for another match in maturity, I'd have to look for someone your age or older.

    Age is a number; maturity is what matters.

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  2. That's a good point, Heroditus. Determined Girl says she was pretty emotionally immature when the two of them first married; I'd say no she wasn't, but she wasn't nearly as emotionally mature as he. He is very emotionally mature but very young in some of his social behaviors; he makes funny noises and does little dances that prompted my name of One-Man-Carnival Guy, which amuse the heck out of her.

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  3. There's no inherent problem with an age difference; the problems come from people fetishizing or abusing that difference. I'm sure a lot of people specifically seek out the young because they're eager-to-please and easily manipulated; this of course is bad. But genuinely liking someone who's older or younger? Where's the harm?

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  4. As you may have guessed, Perversecowgirl, you are one of my inspirations for no longer thinking age differences are a big deal.

    I'm not sure I buy the eager-to-please; if anything I think I'm more eager-to-please than I was at 20, and I was always more so than most. And I sure see no objection in the world to looking for a partner who is eager-to-please, I'd expect that to be a pretty universally desired trait.

    Easily manipulated I guess is the problem area; and I never want to look like I'm taking advantage even if I'm not.

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  5. I've seen several older man - younger woman relationships that have worked really well. Older woman - younger man are more rare. Personally I would be fairly OK with older boyfriends, as long as we are still in the same mind space. However, I would avoid much younger men who make advances (- 20 years +) - apparently they may gain some status from having sex with an older woman and this seems sleazy to me.

    I agree that age should not matter if the couple have genuine feelings...

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