Friday, December 10, 2010

Weird kind of pickiness

I think women are beautiful. In my eyes, most women of my acquaintance are absolute works of art and worth spending a lot of time just looking at. (Not that I do, because that would be creepy). Even the ones who aren't amazing works of art are still attractive to me. I think I'd make a very good mate for a woman who needed a lot of reassurance about her looks.

I feel very bad about the only exception, actually, because the her problems are serious medical ones; but I have a fairly sensitive nose and I struggle with the urea smell that tends to go with peritoneal dialysis. Perverse Cowgirl has written definitively on why you just have to admit a potential partner's looks, or in this case smell, does matter.

On the other hand, there's such a thing as too beautiful for me. While watching the video of Katherine Ellis's interview at Mynt that I linked the other day, I kept thinking "Quit with these clips of skinny girls dancing, I want to see Katherine!" When I search for porn I tend to go with a "mature" tag. Famous actresses do not stir me much. I can certainly see the beauty in a woman who is conventionally extraordinarily beautiful, but it doesn't make me want her as much as someone I see as more on my level; I feel an appreciation of her beauty more like the one I feel for a beautiful landscape or painting. One reason for that will be pretty obvious to people who've been following this blog; I feel myself inadequate to being with a woman who's too attractive. And that idea has worked itself way down deep.

This is deeper than some of my other weirdnesses. An example of a shallower one is that despite being a switch, because I put women on such a pedestal I have trouble with female submissive porn. I tend not to look for it; if I come across it there's an instant twinge of interest followed by an only slightly less instant feeling of guilt. But if I remind myself that there are women who like it, and I would be all happy if I were submitting to her, it's OK. So that's not too deep, I'll be able to get over that pretty easily as far (as getting over neuroses goes).

But I have a certain amount of trouble with porn because the women look too good, and something in my head goes "No way". Apparently a similar problem is quite common; some extremely conventionally attractive women complain that guys are afraid of them and only the really arrogant assholes ever approach them. I guess there's not so many men who commonly take the "too attractive" problem as far as applying it to porn. In porn I get over that by not thinking about it at all if the action is interesting enough, fantasizing about being more attractive myself, or fantasizing about a scenario where I am more attractive by environment or accomplishment (a fantasy or sci-fi theme helps here; mighty warrior Mousie and the grateful rescuee. Probably going to be a story sometime.)

This whole too-hot-for-me thing is something else I want to work on; because there are absolutely women who like my looks that I wouldn't ask out because I assume they wouldn't like my looks. There's a certain woman in my friend group that I think is the most conventionally attractive in that group, and hits lots of my personal hot buttons as well. She's going through a divorce too, and is like me presumably desperate and insecure. A few months ago I was playing a board game with her and others, on a floor in a crowded room. She climbed past me with what seemed like some unnecessary contact, which I admit was nice, then said "Don't worry I'm not touching you in a bad way." Then she put her hand on my calf and said "Unless you ask me to." (I just sort of pretended it didn't happen, to allow her to do the same thing; that seemed nicer than any other polite "no" I could think of. BTW I think we'd be incompatible in the long run in other ways.)

Since she's the very first person I think of when I think of "out of my league", I probably should just ditch the whole concept and not worry about who's in a higher league.


  1. I can't date beautiful people. I can't even talk to them, a lot of times.

    What's interesting is that what I consider amazingly out of my league ("he is so PRETTY and SMART and PRETTY and NICE and PRETTY and IN POSSESSION OF JOHN LENNON GLASSES and ALSO PRETTY") is not what other people consider to be amazingly out of anyone's league ("he's kind of a nerd and also about five four"). But it is kind of a moot point when I cannot make words.

  2. Ozymandias, you have a lot of the same self-esteem problems I do that I always considered to be mostly men's problems. I'd previously observed the league thinking crippling men more because they're traditionally relationship initiators.

    I think you should make words. You are Robo Dream Girl and no one is out of your league.