Monday, August 16, 2010

Wanting to be wanted

The single most important thing to me in the attractiveness of a woman is whether she shows herself to be attracted to me too. It's definitely not the only thing, but it's the biggest thing; bigger than looks or any one personality trait. If you're, um, well, how do I put this, not so great looking and you have an odor problem despite frequent washing and you've told me I'm good-looking, you are ahead of a movie star or supermodel in my book. Lots of people start great relationships by doggedly pursuing someone else; that's not me. "Hard-to-get" means "No interest in trying." Not that prudent reserve and caution are a turn-off, but if I don't get hints then I have no interest. And even affirming the value of prudent reserve and caution, I admit I'm likely to end up with someone more open about that than I am.

This is a problem in keeping myself open to reconciliation. That's my Christian duty, but it would be hard at this point. When she adopted kittens (to whom I am violently, debilitatingly allergic), I pretty much knew it was over. After that, the feeling of rejection took over. She knew me better than anyone, and without me doing anything drastic, she rejected me and refused to give me any further chance. (I had my chances before I knew there was such a serious problem. Such as they were, without knowing that.) So I feel totally unwanted, totally unattractive to her, and therefore she no longer attracts me.

Now my Christian duty of being open to reconciliation is to be open to work hard at it, not to simply let her back into my life anytime she wants back. It's not like "Oh, you're tired of paying rent? I'll get your name put back on the deed." It's like "Let's set up some appointments with a marriage counsellor." But now, to me it would be seriously difficult to be properly enthusiastic. I ought to want reconciliation, and I don't anymore.

Reconciliation is totally hypothetical, by the way, there are no hints on that front. Being ready for it is actual.

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