Sunday, August 22, 2010

Sexual fantasy as mental preparation

In firearms self-defense training, one of the points made over and over again is to have a plan. Go over possible scenarios in your head, figure out how you could react, figure out what points are salient and what are irrelevant. When you're presented with a situation, you can have a reaction preplanned which is just always going to be better than what you can come up with on the spur of a nightmare moment.

Long before I was exposed to that, I was a D&D player and a Christian. I decided early on that I'd never play an evil character because no one ever needs mental practice in being evil.

I apply this same thing in sexual fantasies. I do not want to permit myself to mentally prepare the wrong actions, no matter whether the scenario seems outlandish. A few times a temptation has come up that I would have considered radically unlikely; and frankly I don't think I would have been able to handle it if I had mentally trained for giving in.

This distinction is coming up a lot now as I try to reconnect with my dominant side. I enjoy this game, but I enjoy it with the idea that it is play: she is also enjoying it and we have an agreed safeword. I don't like games where this idea is hard to apply.

I know this isn't going to be a popular idea. It seems ridiculous; the fantasy is about a fantasy. It'll seem too tame for some people on both sides of the fantasy; people who have trouble getting off without a fantasy about real abuse, real rape. But I know if I ever find myself in a position to take advantage of someone, that taking advantage was never my fantasy. There will be no part of my mind that says "here it is at last". I can have confidence in myself that isn't based on the flimsy reed of me thinking I'm such a great guy, but on preparation like anyone can do.

Though I hadn't thought of it the same way before, the same kind of preparation can apply to submissive fantasy. As a rejected, lonely, horny guy with submissive kinks, I've recently discovered there are professional dommes out there who'd be glad to make a quick buck off reinforcing my self-image problems. But their hard sell strikes no chord; even when I was only in touch with my submissive kinks, I always wanted a real relationship with submissive play.

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