Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Scared to be scary

I don't like the idea of frightening anyone. It's kind of easy for me to do accidentally just because of my size. Back in the phase where I dressed like a biker, there were several occasions where women actually screamed when suddenly faced by me, e.g. trying to go through the same door from opposite sides. I've also had my permit to carry a concealed firearm for a long time, since back in the day when people got really upset if they knew you had a gun. It was best to be super careful lest friends be worried if they found out.

It's one of the contributors to my submissive kinks. Begging for footjobs seems about as nonthreatening as you can get.

I posted anonymously once and somebody replied addressing me as Mousie. I thought that was kinda funny and certainly not very threatening so I went with it. As Mousie, my big fear is making someone think I'm a cyberstalker. I'm a Christian, which means I fit the profile of a villain from the Law & Order franchise. I'm separated from my wife, lonely, and my programming job was outsourced to India in this recession so I have a lot of time on my hands. I'm super aware that that perfectly fits the profile of stalker. Or, it just means a lot of time to hang around reading and commenting on people's blogs.

So I try consciously not to say anything that could create the impression of romantic or sexual interest, and I try to occasionally work in lack of interest hints, without it being a PUA-style challenging "neg" or an insult. E.g., X would be totally bored by my sexual preferences. I'd like to say more nice things to the people who are lightening up my day, but don't dare.

Actual predators have a whole series of tricks that are intended to look inoffensive on the surface, but aren't. "Give me a smile, baby." I don't know many of those, but the people reading me do. Which is really worrisome; since it looks inoffensive, will I do it by accident? I'm walking on eggshells. I blame it on the predators, and I have unchristian hate for them, and if I express that I sound scary for unfortunately much more true and accurate reasons (at least if you're a predator). EDIT: Not genuinely true and accurate, but definitely closer.


  1. Followed a link from The Pervocracy--you seem like the kind of person I'd love to be friends with. I'm a small female, and despite having had bad childhood experiences, most of my friends tend to be larger, stronger, armed males. Don't be afraid of being intimidating--those who are intimidated would be just as afraid of you if you were short, fat, and wimpy, just because your plumbing happens to be an outie not an innie.

    I've been reading through your stuff, and I'm sorry you're going through what you are. I wish there was something I could say to make it hurt less.

  2. Hey, thanks a lot! I was going to ask which Huxley but I followed the link to your Blogger profile and saw "the anti-soma" which cleared that up. Aldous is my favorite Huxley.

    The kind of thing I share here is way too much information for my real-life friends, so it's really nice to have Internet friends that don't mind the overshare. Also, I really don't like the idea of criticising my wife to our mutual friends, and though I'm trying not do that much here either, it's impossible to talk about my experiences without talking about her.

    Having an outlet to talk about it does make it hurt less, especially knowing people are actually reading it, which is kind of surprising me.

  3. You'd love my bunch of friends. When the kids are out of earshot, most conversation heads where conversation tends to--toward sex, kink, and dirty jokes. We also tend to gossip about ex-friends (and friends' ex-wives or ex-husbands) much less than most bunches. Better, more fun things to talk about, and all that.

    I know what you mean about an outlet. I write under a pseudonym because I tend to be a bit fiscally/foreign policy libertarian (don't care as much about social issues--God gave us free agency, and I don't think it's my job to try to keep people from committing their choice of sin), have a CCW, actively carry...and teach in an English department at a small state university, with a bunch of center left to hard left colleagues. And, since I'm a contract employee, my opinions could easily lose me my job. Audiences are good, but not always necessary when it comes to just blowing off steam.

    (You might also like The FFOT, or the Friday F&#$-Off Thread--basically nothing but blowing off steam)

  4. I probably would love your friends. My friends are pretty much my church friends; they are great people and I wouldn't trade them for anyone but they're all more socially conservative than I. We have great discussions sometimes where I try to persuade them that government has no legitimate role in various social issues, e.g. there should be no state marriage at all, only state civil unions for gay and straight alike.

    My ex is an English professor at a small private university; she's not too interested in politics but shared my libertarian bent. She used to actively carry (but doesn't anymore; I guess that was my influence). So I can easily envision your problem.