A few weeks ago a couple of people contacted me on OKCupid and after I made certain they understood that I wasn't ready for a romantic relationship, I've been emailing back and forth. And that's taken up all my writing time. But, that's not the discovery.
This morning, sitting at home sick and fuzzy-headed from a cold, I decided on impulse to look up my ex's profile on FetLife. Wasn't hard. I use my face on my FetLife profile, so I imagine she's seen mine if she bothered to look. It's possible she could read this blog because until just now I used the same name on both places. But I strongly doubt it, I don't think she's that interested.
So, I learned a fair bit; her and the new guy write a lot together and post a lot of pictures. She's kinkier than me, though I always held back because she wouldn't open up; our sex life was much less kinky than either of us are. I always thought I was kinkier than her, because I was always the one suggesting things! I do wish she had told me, I would have done so much more for her. But, in the end, I think she'll be much happier with him. The main thing that makes me happy is that he sounds like he respects and values her greatly, which is a huge relief; so many in that kind of relationship come off as rather contemptuous in their writings. (And she him.) That makes me happy, though it's a happiness tinged with melancholy. Good luck to you two, and whatever others come into your life! (the relationship is somewhat open)
At least now I understand more of the why. And I guess being too vanilla is sort of another blow to my ego, but not really a bad one. Eh, it's what I like. It's better by far than for an unspecified reason. The dates on the writings start very soon after she left me, and before she initiated divorce proceedings. So, she left me partly for me, and partly for him. That's another relief to my ego. And now when people ask I can say she left me for another guy, which is much easier than "she couldn't really explain".
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Name Change
Just decided to change the name here, on OKCupid, and FetLife to different names. Probably this name is temporary and I'll change it again. More to come.
UPDATE: Andrew Vanbergen is the main character from one of my favorite books, James P. Blaylock's The Last Coin. It popped into my head.
UPDATE: Andrew Vanbergen is the main character from one of my favorite books, James P. Blaylock's The Last Coin. It popped into my head.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Sick of my own whining
In the course of listening to lots of sad music and dwelling on how much I missed my ex, I exceeded some kind of self-pity threshold. And I remembered again what a small thing my current problems are in this mortal world, much less the life of an immortal soul that plans to someday go to Heaven to be with God. So, here's one of the songs that reminds me how much more there is than this.
Eagles - Journey of the Sorcerer
P.S. It's hard for me not to spell it 'sorceror'.
Eagles - Journey of the Sorcerer
P.S. It's hard for me not to spell it 'sorceror'.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
A post
I'm short on writing time/mental inspiration, but I really want to move the depressing last post off the top. So, this is for the whole reason of being an at least neutral post on top. Hi!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes, I miss my ex so very much.
DJ Project - Soapte
Another version with a cheerful video
Translation (source):
Whispers
I’m afraid of your look/glance, because I lost myself deeply in it
When you whisper to me, I have shivers
Because I lost you so many times
You tore a piece from my soul
Hide it, so that I can be the only one to find it
A whole world to look for, it’s hard to me
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
I’m afraid you’ll forget me and I would lose you look/glance
I’m once again lost betweeen clouds
I’ve looked for you thousands of times
You tore a piece from my soul
Hide it, so that I can be the only one to find it
A whole world to look for, it’s hard to me
ha aa aa..it’s so hard for me
aa…it’s so hard for me
It rains slowly
It rains slowly
It rains slowly
It rains slowly
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
DJ Project - Soapte
Another version with a cheerful video
Translation (source):
Whispers
I’m afraid of your look/glance, because I lost myself deeply in it
When you whisper to me, I have shivers
Because I lost you so many times
You tore a piece from my soul
Hide it, so that I can be the only one to find it
A whole world to look for, it’s hard to me
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
I’m afraid you’ll forget me and I would lose you look/glance
I’m once again lost betweeen clouds
I’ve looked for you thousands of times
You tore a piece from my soul
Hide it, so that I can be the only one to find it
A whole world to look for, it’s hard to me
ha aa aa..it’s so hard for me
aa…it’s so hard for me
It rains slowly
It rains slowly
It rains slowly
It rains slowly
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
It rains slowly and I’m still waiting to [hear] your hurried steps
I hold myself from crying, if you only knew how hard it was for me not to feel you close
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Some thoughts on the "sexual marketplace"
After reading the post and comments here, I was thinking about the perception of men wanting sex and women not wanting it. I think I can offer an unusual and illuminating perspective, because I was dating for a while and I will not have sex outside of marriage.
I did not get to know meet one woman who truly did not want sex in the sense of the "sexual marketplace" concept. I had one polite "if you ever change your mind", three attempts to argue me out of abstinence, one who slipped into a moment of "you're right but I don't care", one case of grabbing, and one who would not accept a massage because she thought it would be too tempting for her. (Going back over this in my head and writing it out has made it harder to hold on to certain of my bad self-image issues.)
Why was my experience so different than so many other men describe? First, to be fair to opponents of my thinking, I suppose a "Pick-Up Artist" would call me a natural alpha. I'm tall, I have a decent job, I've been told that I'm charming and handsome, and I come off as quite confident and alpha-type; people in the fetish community tend to assume I'm a dom from things like the way I carry myself and look people in the eye. But I don't think that is the main thing at all.
The main thing in my opinion that shapes my experience is that I am not looking for sex, I'm looking for friends. Inasmuch as I'm charming and confident, those are side effects. I'm charming because I actually want to hear about the woman I'm talking with. I'm confident because just not hitting it off with someone doesn't carry a giant sting of rejection. I'm not offering something so personal as sex and having that rejected; I think most people have reasonable ability not to be too hurt by finding out they don't have much in common with someone. All this I think would apply to anyone who wants to be friends more than they want a new sex partner.
But more than that, I don't think that many of us really want sex with a non-friend. There is an extremely strong cultural perception that that's obviously what men want, it's what a man has to do to be a normal man, but I think it's bullshit. Very few men who have the option of sleeping around pretty much whenever they want actutally choose that option. Famous male actors tend to get married, and have affairs, rather than just sleep around, and it's not like they can't just sleep around. Even in the cases where they do, there seems something psychologically fishy about it, like they're just doing what they've been told they're supposed to. Wilt Chamberlain, probably the king of sleeping around, talked about late in his life about how much he'd missed.
The culture tells men they have to want women's bodies if those bodies meet certain standards, regardless of the person attached; it tells women they have to view sex as nothing but a tool for manipulating men. I think the women I met were showing what is more natural for humans of all sexes; people want sex with people they like, first and foremost. Please note that I'm not going so far as to claim people are normally, naturally monogamous; I find that even more implausible than the "men just want sex" perspective. I'm sure not naturally monogamous. I'm just claiming that most of us primarily want sex with people we like.
Another factor is that by bringing up the issue of abstinence before marriage very early (like clearly stated in my online profiles and brought up within about the first hour of conversation with people met face-to-face), I take the defensive pressure off the woman who is used to the idea of people trying to get her into bed whether they care about her or not. I suppose a PUA would see this as the ultimate "neg".
I did not get to know meet one woman who truly did not want sex in the sense of the "sexual marketplace" concept. I had one polite "if you ever change your mind", three attempts to argue me out of abstinence, one who slipped into a moment of "you're right but I don't care", one case of grabbing, and one who would not accept a massage because she thought it would be too tempting for her. (Going back over this in my head and writing it out has made it harder to hold on to certain of my bad self-image issues.)
Why was my experience so different than so many other men describe? First, to be fair to opponents of my thinking, I suppose a "Pick-Up Artist" would call me a natural alpha. I'm tall, I have a decent job, I've been told that I'm charming and handsome, and I come off as quite confident and alpha-type; people in the fetish community tend to assume I'm a dom from things like the way I carry myself and look people in the eye. But I don't think that is the main thing at all.
The main thing in my opinion that shapes my experience is that I am not looking for sex, I'm looking for friends. Inasmuch as I'm charming and confident, those are side effects. I'm charming because I actually want to hear about the woman I'm talking with. I'm confident because just not hitting it off with someone doesn't carry a giant sting of rejection. I'm not offering something so personal as sex and having that rejected; I think most people have reasonable ability not to be too hurt by finding out they don't have much in common with someone. All this I think would apply to anyone who wants to be friends more than they want a new sex partner.
But more than that, I don't think that many of us really want sex with a non-friend. There is an extremely strong cultural perception that that's obviously what men want, it's what a man has to do to be a normal man, but I think it's bullshit. Very few men who have the option of sleeping around pretty much whenever they want actutally choose that option. Famous male actors tend to get married, and have affairs, rather than just sleep around, and it's not like they can't just sleep around. Even in the cases where they do, there seems something psychologically fishy about it, like they're just doing what they've been told they're supposed to. Wilt Chamberlain, probably the king of sleeping around, talked about late in his life about how much he'd missed.
The culture tells men they have to want women's bodies if those bodies meet certain standards, regardless of the person attached; it tells women they have to view sex as nothing but a tool for manipulating men. I think the women I met were showing what is more natural for humans of all sexes; people want sex with people they like, first and foremost. Please note that I'm not going so far as to claim people are normally, naturally monogamous; I find that even more implausible than the "men just want sex" perspective. I'm sure not naturally monogamous. I'm just claiming that most of us primarily want sex with people we like.
Another factor is that by bringing up the issue of abstinence before marriage very early (like clearly stated in my online profiles and brought up within about the first hour of conversation with people met face-to-face), I take the defensive pressure off the woman who is used to the idea of people trying to get her into bed whether they care about her or not. I suppose a PUA would see this as the ultimate "neg".
Lecturer Reiki
Sometimes it's so hard to swallow the need to defend yourself. Someone who we shall call Lecturer Reiki contacted me on OKCupid, despite the note on my profile that says "I've found that I am not mentally over my divorce enough to start any new romantic relationships. But, I'm leaving the rest of my profile up for later and just in case people are curious." At first, it seemed like we could be friends.
Our contacts after the first few were largely her making insulting and unwarranted assumptions about my spirituality because she's way to my left and full of prejudice, and me trying to explain how I actually felt. Very much like the Lecturer, except the Lecturer was probably more to my right (sort of; or maybe way off on my w-axis somewhere) and full of prejudice. She shall be renamed Lecturer Polygynist to distinguish her from Lecturer Reiki and future Lecturers. I think this is a pattern I should watch out for in the future and shut down sooner.
Interestingly, both of them thought they were spiritual healers and great judges of character because they were attuned to other's spiritual energy. Their wrong assumptions about me were pretty much opposite, but both really kind of hurtful.
Our contacts after the first few were largely her making insulting and unwarranted assumptions about my spirituality because she's way to my left and full of prejudice, and me trying to explain how I actually felt. Very much like the Lecturer, except the Lecturer was probably more to my right (sort of; or maybe way off on my w-axis somewhere) and full of prejudice. She shall be renamed Lecturer Polygynist to distinguish her from Lecturer Reiki and future Lecturers. I think this is a pattern I should watch out for in the future and shut down sooner.
Interestingly, both of them thought they were spiritual healers and great judges of character because they were attuned to other's spiritual energy. Their wrong assumptions about me were pretty much opposite, but both really kind of hurtful.
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