At this point, I'm feeling a little angry and betrayed by the way my ex treated me. A few days before I looked her up on FetLife, I was dropping off something she wanted from the house. She said she'd be there all day, then when I asked if she'd like to have lunch with me, she said she was going to visit family that afternoon. She mentioned that maybe she'd like to have lunch with me two weekends later, if she wasn't needed for some moonlighting work. Those struck me as so much of her pattern; you are very important to me, maybe I will have time for you later if something more important to me doesn't intervene. I felt that I was done with her at that point, I just had enough. Since then I have not felt inclined to contact her, though I still respond when she contacts me.
Saturday, she will be having a party celebrating a super-important career step she recently made. I will be attending for a short time, probably less than an hour because of her cats, which I am allergic to.
I want to show nothing but love and encouragement to her, but I'm not feeling it like I usually do for the people around me. I'm mostly feeling done with her, and unfortunately there's even some resentment of the achievement (I was deeply looking forward to that in the marriage because that removes much of the pressure from her career.) Please send encouragement that I will show enthusiasm and detached love for my ex who is pretty much out of my life at this point, for the sake of this celebration; if you're the praying kind, please pray that I will feel and convey the love of Christ.
Mousie(hope you don't mind me continuing your initial cybernym but it's how I tend to think of you and your current one would make things confusing)
ReplyDeleteMy reflex in your situation would be what happened when I broke off with an all but marriage relationship....*Poof*.
I didn't have ANY contact with her for 6+ months. In your case it just seems that every time you have anything to do with your ex you end up getting hurt in some way.
Fall off the face of the earth as far as she can tell don't answer phone-calls, e-mails, texts, tweets, or carrier pigeons. You need some time without her anywhere close to your life to get your head on strait and to understand your perspective in what happened without her poisoning it which seems to be happening even if she isn't intending to.
If you share friends you don't have to break off with them just let them know that you're avoiding her and that if they feel stuck in the middle as to who to invite to something to go ahead and invite her and not you, since you are the one needing space.
Seriously it seems you are being "nice" past the point of injuring yourself, and when this relationship ended she lost her privileges of having you do that.
You are in HH and my prayers, and if we had a single compatible female friend we'd drive out there, kosh you on the head, toss you in the trunk, and toss the two of you into a blind date(maybe target shooting).
P.S. HH says she doesn't know what to say since her only other serious relationship came apart due to matters far less ambiguous and far more "rural" than applies to you.
Odysseus, thanks for the advice, but that's not my style. I feel like I'm making a lot of progress in the past month or so. Anyway it's been like an email a month on average; not a lot of contact.
ReplyDeleteWe don't really share many friends, most of my friends quarrelled with her and she found new ones.
Sure, you can call me Mousie. Maybe I ought to switch cybernyms again. The current one is the name of the protagonist in James P Blaylock's The Last Coin, and was a spur of the moment thing when I decided I didn't want all my online accounts sharing the same one.
Dear M - Glad to hear you are making progress. ....I would provide similar advice to O. You need distance from the lady to heal and the switch in your brain to click over to the "I am not emotionally attached to her" position. I think God would understand. I wonder if you are over thinking the need to show detached love and support to this lady? She has chosen her way and has all the support she needs. There are other people that would benefit more from your time and effort. Just put the matter in the hands of God and go on with your life.
ReplyDeleteShe choose to leave you. An obvious consequence of tihs is that she won't have you available. You hae no obligation; actually, you owe YOURSELF to take care of yourself and keep your limits. You obviosly don't want to go, so please, don't go.
ReplyDelete