Monday, September 5, 2011

My ex is into consensual non-consent

Rook is one of the people who have stayed close to me, my ex, and her new guy the Saturnine Thespian. After she and her husband finished telling me about the 6-person orgy they were involved in recently [which I mention so you'll know why Rook hears more about people's kinks than most people do], I brought up my theory of lack of objectification being part of the problem with my ex. Rook confirmed it strongly and told me that my ex was really into consensual non-consent; something I'd been suspecting for a while now since she left. While I never asked "Are you into consensual non-consent?", I asked so many times what my ex wanted, what she was into, and she never answered.

How much misery and (on my part) suicidal depression could have been avoided if she'd just had the guts to answer honestly? How much joy could have resulted? Ain't my favorite thing, but if she had told me JUST ONCE, I could have started acting the part and reading the nonverbal signals at least some of the time. But as a comedian I'm too lazy to look up said, "I'm not going to fucking rape you on the off chance you're into that shit." [UPDATE: PerverseCowgirl points out it was Louis CK.]

Fuck. Years of mutual heartache over some embarrassment. How the hell can it be more embarrassing to say it than to play it, anyway?


  1. The comedian was Louis CK, and I love that bit.

    Your ex might not have held back out of embarrassment, you know. Lots of people feel that if they have to tell their partner to do something, it doesn't "count"...for example, a man might wish his wife would spontaneously bring him flowers, and feel that if he told her "please bring me flowers sometimes" then the flowers would be less pleasing; they wouldn't be an act of love, just someone following directions (I have discovered that this isn't true, though; if Minx does something because I told him to, it's totally an act of love! He's doing something because he knows it makes me happy!).

    All things considered, forced sex is extremely likely to fall into the "he has to do it on his own or it doesn't count" category.

    Alternately, she might not think of forceful sex as an act a guy chooses to commit, but rather the inevitable result of a woman being so darned irresistible. So maybe in her mind, she wasn't framing it as "I wish he would fuck me really hard" - she was thinking "I wish he wanted me more." And since you can't reasonably request that someone feel a certain way about you, she kept silent when you asked her what she wanted.

    At any rate, it sucks that she never told you.

  2. PerverseCowgirl, I think it was probably a combination of all three.