Sunday, September 25, 2011

I am a kindly reptile.

I was recently reading the Wikipedia entry on John Lee's classification of love styles. The short version is:
* Eros - a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
* Ludus - a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
* Storge - an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
* Pragma - love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
* Mania - obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
* Agape - selfless altruistic love; spiritual
I was thinking how I exhibit Eros and Agape but most of all Storge. If not for my religious position, I could, I think, fairly easily suck a bisexual male friend's cock simply because it's not a big deal to me. That's Storge. I would not get off on it, or want the favor returned, because it wouldn't be a favor; it has no appeal. Men do not attract me, many women do; that's Eros.

Reading about it, I hit this bit: "disadvantages [of Storge] may include a lack of passion and potential boredom in the relationship." It hit me then that that was probably what my ex could never explain, and what she's probably looking for now with the consensual nonconsent. Passion; fire; abandon. I am so very polite and careful, almost all the time; I am warm and caring (though I became cooler as the relationship worsened) but never hot and passionate.

I wanted to be hotter and more passionate, but I didn't feel like I could with the lack of communication. What did she like? What was OK? What made her happy? I wanted to let myself go more, but I had no idea where I could go. I was more passionate about submission than anything else, because there I felt letting myself go was safe for both of us. But in general, the less I thought she appreciated me, the more diffident I became. Not hot, not passionate. Cold-blooded. A kindly reptile.

And I imagine that explaining it would have made it not count. If she has to say "take me", then she isn't exactly being taken right? She's still giving herself. If she wants reckless abandon, and she has to say "don't worry if you hurt me a little pinning my wrists, I'll like it," then there isn't really reckless abandon.

But to be perfectly honest, I do not see that the kink as in the above paragraph can be indulged without evil. "Taking", if it is for real, if there is no consent, is rape isn't it? And if it requires telepathy to distinguish it from rape, well, I don't believe in telepathy. I don't want to minimize the difficulty of coming out and saying what you want, and I can't imagine what impact it has on the fantasy. But as far as I can see it just has to be done. After all, when a Christian with my idea of chastity marries, we forsake all other possible future partners. That ain't how our fantasies run either.

I'm no longer sure how into consensual nonconsent my ex is. She has a now-proven tendency to adapt herself to a new guy. Seeing as her previous husband left her over the lack of sex, I think this might seem just perfect for someone who doesn't care about sex much beyond the new romance period but doesn't want to admit to herself that she doesn't. If so, it'll probably lead to a break-up in several years as consensual nonconsent turns gradually to apathetic nonconsent. I'm trying hard to hope it doesn't. To that end, I'm praying that it doesn't.


  1. I've noticed the (few) men in my life have / do seem to hold themselves back - to be heaps more gentle and controlled than would be optimal for their own enjoyment (and perhaps mine).

    I believe solidly in talking about new things before doing them and in explicit consent. However, in a long term relationship I believe people negotiate their own forms and processes of consent and establish their own ground rules - which may include throwing one's partner on the bed and ravishing them every now and again.

    Also, giving continuous feedback (of some sort) is important to the other person feeling confident to push mutual boundaries a little. If they know you will stop them if you are not in agreement, they will feel like they can innovate.

    I've decided to actively create the environment where the loved man in my life can be himself and thus be more passionate and spontaneous. For example, I might assure him he can do / enjoy a specific thing / act when ever he wants. Next time he can be 'spontaneous'!

    Thanks for a thought provoking post! :-) C

  2. Thank you for commenting! I think your intent to create an environment where your loved man can be spontaneous sounds beautiful, and I love the thought of that example, where you tell him in advance that something is OK at any time in the future.