Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Tragedy of an Unwanted Sub

Longtime readers may remember how I was dating a woman, who I'm going to call N. here, then realized although I had imagined I was attracted to her because I could enjoy doing things for her (that were within my no-sex boundaries), yet I just didn't feel desire for her to do anything for me. Not having caught that from the beginning still feels like one of my worst mistakes. But, the way attraction works for me is the opposite of the way I'd imagined it. I was perfectly happy touching N.; but I felt no excitement at the idea of her touching me. I didn't fully understand it until I tried fantasizing about a possible married future. I am, for example, happy with the idea of giving cunnilingus to any woman, but I only get excited about the thought of fellatio from a woman I think is pretty.

Sometimes N. still texts me to say she misses me. (I always respond that I miss her too, which is true.) After I told her that the romantic relationship was over, we tried to remain friends. There were problems, but I thought it might be OK overall, until one evening when I friended another woman on FetLife, and N. flooded me with distraught text messages about it. I was at dinner with a third woman, who is a friend only, at the time; but I felt like I had to hide that, or hurt her more. So I told her I thought this was no good for her or me and we couldn't keep hanging out together.

The problem isn't that she wants me to love her; I do, like I love all my friends. It's that she wants me to love her romantically and exclusively. And I just am not offering that.

The tragedy, that really makes me want to cry about this, is that N. is a giving sort of sub, with such a good heart. She would have done anything I wanted, but I didn't want her to do anything. It doesn't seem fair, or right, that a person could offer so much and then not have it wanted. I feel that so much, I guess, because that's how my sub side works too; I want to increase my value by being willing to do anything, and when no one seems to want you even then, it cuts really deep.

For me this is OK now. I am wanted, though only for my dom side or vanilla side, so far never for my sub side. For N. and so many subs I see on FetLife making wistful posts about their future forever dom, it's really sad.

It's also sad for the lonely doms, who have to pretend to be iron and don't get to make wistful posts.

1 comment:

  1. For the lonely Doms out there.

    Masocistic Baby by Shel Silverstein

    Oh ever since my masocistic baby went and left me (she had left you a kiss) I got nothin' nothin' to hit but the wall (poor wall) She loved me when I beat her (oh they do love that) But then I started actin' sweeter (oh mistake) Oh and that ain't no way to treat her at all

    She is the one that I'm dreaming of and you always hurt the one you love And ever since my masochistic baby went and left me Nothin' to hit but the wall what you know

    Nothin' to belt but my pans yes I've suspendors Nothin' to whip but the scream you get so nasty Nothin' to beat but the eggs oh nothin' to punch but the clock Oh nothin' to strike but the match light my fire Oh nothin' nothin' to hit but the wall