Found in the attic

When I was with my ex, I controlled my sexuality in two ways:

1) I saved it entirely for her. Her last husband cheated on her so I always acted as if she might be extra sensitive about that.

2) As I've mentioned here before, with her lack of openness about sex I controlled, or repressed, everything that I thought she might feel was too demanding. (with the opposite result that I'd intended.)

Last week involved a lot of thinking how to politely and kindly deflect some offers. It seems, logically enough, that as my confidence comes back I get more attention, which boosts my confidence. Now, with the attention I've been getting lately, to which I'm quite unaccustomed, I no longer feel like my kinks are too demanding; I'm feeling more like they are what they are, you have to mostly accept them if you happen to want me. (Don't worry, I'm not going to get egotistical; I'll never forget for example that most women prefer skinny pretty guys to my type.)

I feel like so much of my sexuality was boxed up and stuck in the attic, and I'm only now taking the box down and looking through it. Sure, I remembered it, but it wasn't present and active. To choose a fairly vanilla example, I've barely looked at softcore porn based on photographs of naked women posing. I always got too hung up on the idea that they couldn't concieveably be interested. Now I still don't think any porn stars would be interested, but I don't get so hung up on that as to be unable to fantasize. And the kinks; it used to be that hentai (unreal and so less unattainable) of footjobs was what I went too almost all the time. Now I'm enjoying some of the other stuff I really haven't got anything from in years.

Self-righteousness and aversion fads

Over at NSWATM, there's an open thread regarding what people think is hot. I was struck by the number of comments saying things like "never a Republican" and "never a Christian". Those negative comments are pretty much always aimed at people like me; there are few negative comments aimed at looks (which is good that people are mostly sticking to the positive). But that kind of attitude is why I stay away from NSWATM most of the time despite being an Ozy fan.

I am turned off by the kind of self-righteousness and ignorant, prejudiced, insular groupthink it takes to make that kind of comment. One of the women I dated gave me a vibe of possibly being that way about people who are different in the sexual area, like LGBT/poly. So when I took her to Dorian's Parlor, I emailed some poly/bi friends and asked them specifically NOT to tone anything down around her or any other date I had. If she can't accept my friends, I'm not going to date her; and that goes for my friends with different politics or religion too.

I was thinking about commenting on this there, but I think it's probably a "never wrestle with a pig" situation.

Political post/bragging on my people.

I read two sets of blogs; basically sex/gender issues blogs, mostly kinda liberal, and gun issues blogs, mostly kinda libertarian/conservative. Many of the sex/gender issues blogs mentioned opposition to SOPA/PIPA. The gun blogs all did, and Republicans have been moving more on the issue.

And then just recently I came across this: An Open Letter To The Anti-Gun Folks

And I noticed that one of the sex blogs that did mention SOPA also mentioned the right to defend oneself.

And I thought about how I've never heard a bad word about Pink Pistols from my community of "bitter clingers", and all the good ones I've heard.

You know what? You want to find a straight, cis, vanilla person who will stand for all freedoms, including sexual ones? Your best first step is to find someone with a permit to carry a gun.

SOPA/PIPA protest post.

Craving

After nearly two years, generally craving sex is much more manageable for me than it was early on. But some days are worse than others. This is a bad day.

It's probably because of a combination of things; friends lent me Secretary and Shortbus to watch, pointed out the huge gap between my actual rules (no causing orgasms) and behavior (almost totally asexual), there was the ego hit from finding out the poly girl New Year's Eve had been prompted and then there was the contrary emotion when another friend (who has told me she's had a crush on me for a decade) confided she'd dreamed about me following a massage with anal sex on the massage table.

Sometimes celibacy is really tough.

Back to zero

Rook put in a good word for me about my New Year's Eve kiss thing with the pretty poly girl mentioned previously here and here. So that brings me back to zero cases in my life where a woman has done anything sexual in nature with me just based on my looks. Except maybe when a girl slapped my ass in passing in college. I am grateful that Rook did this because otherwise it just would have been the girl who rode with me, and since I was going for "anyone interested in the whole building" that would have been sad. But still, I'm feeling a bit like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.

The zero number, really, is the fault of my behavior. I am so focused on being nice, nonthreatening, not a tease, that I come off as extremely reserved. Nobody's going to try anything at all, given my attitude. And I'll try to remember that, rather than focusing on zero.

Name Thrash

So, I'm pondering another name change. AndrewVanbergen was something I came up with on the spur of the moment just because I wanted different names on my different accounts. Now I'm thinking MrMegatherium. Because in a world full of people trying to sort themselves into Alpha Wolf: "type A", "Dominant", "leader" and Omega Wolf: "type B", "submissive", "follower", Megatherium is what I feel like.

Comments? Suggestions?

Also, at least one person is having trouble posting comments. Anyone else having trouble? If so, please email me at mousie seven six two at gmail dot com.

--

Note: the "alpha-omega" thing seems to give hives to people who know what wolf pack structure is like.

My Line and perceptions of availability of sex

Last time I was single, between my first and second marriages, there were a number of women who expressed interest in me. (well, to be specific, ten). One time one of these women had expressed interest in what I'd look like naked. I mentioned that to my ex, at the time still just (I thought) a friend, and she exclaimed "Get in line!" After that we referred to the phenomenon as my line.

Now that I've been single for a while, that's forming again. A lot of it is women who are notably unattractive by conventional (also, unfortunately, by my) standards. (I wish I had better standards.) I think the attraction to me shows a bit of the often-noted phenomenon that women who are not conventionally attractive are invisible in a way.

I try to be nice to everybody, hot girl or not. Just a few days ago the Progressive Gun Fan noted that since his surgery I'd been one of his most frequent vistors, despite living over an hour away and being allergic to his cats. I'm interested in people, I like to listen. I'll give backrubs and massages to just about anybody. If you're a woman, I still rush to open doors for you, offer to carry things, etc, regardless of whether I want you or not. And I think a lot of women are not used to being treated that way, and they like it. Combined with the lack of pressure for sex, I suppose it makes me kind of look like a knight in shining armor.

But there's still something different in these 'invisible women' than 'invisible men'. Every woman who doesn't already know me has been on guard against sexual interest at first; their chief worry starts out that I want us to be friends with benefits or fuckbuddies. So while certainly women can have trouble getting sex when they want, generally they seem to perceive it differently.

I think there is probably a difference in expectations that shapes the difference in perception. Kissing the pretty poly girl New Year's Eve was a really big deal for me, and I've been trying to figure out why her rather than the other girls I've kissed. It wasn't just her looks. What I figured out is that that was the first time I've done anything sex-related where the woman had no conceivable motivation besides "he's hot". She doesn't know me, she'd only exchanged a few sentences with me before. It was enough to know that I am not some PUA who only wants sex from women. But, it can't have anything thing to do with me being nice or doing things for her or her feeling sorry for lonely me. I have been so steeped in the idea that sex is something women do because they want something else, like affection or security or marriage, that combined with my poor self-image it's always my assumption. The fact that I can't make this assumption is huge for me. As I wrote this I realized that I started out by explaining away "my line" in terms of that assumption; ironic, I'll leave it as is.

Women, I can tell, tend have their perceptions shaped by the inverse expectation. The women I meet normally suspect at first that I am nice because I want into their pants; ESPECIALLY where backrubs or massage are concerned. Not that I'm saying that's generally an unjustified assumption in cases other than mine. But I think probably there are a lot of women who think they have more sex available than they really do, and there is less kindness in the world than there really is, just because they are steeped in the idea that male kindness or politeness is a mask for desire.

Update: My friend Rook put in a good word for me with the pretty poly girl who kissed me, before the event. Which was very nice of her, she was trying to arrange more but most of her friends did not go that night. So, that brings me back from 1 to 0 cases of a woman doing anything sexual at all with me just based on looks.

Update: My rewrite of this was published at Role/Reboot!

Request for encouragement and/or prayer

At this point, I'm feeling a little angry and betrayed by the way my ex treated me. A few days before I looked her up on FetLife, I was dropping off something she wanted from the house. She said she'd be there all day, then when I asked if she'd like to have lunch with me, she said she was going to visit family that afternoon. She mentioned that maybe she'd like to have lunch with me two weekends later, if she wasn't needed for some moonlighting work. Those struck me as so much of her pattern; you are very important to me, maybe I will have time for you later if something more important to me doesn't intervene. I felt that I was done with her at that point, I just had enough. Since then I have not felt inclined to contact her, though I still respond when she contacts me.

Saturday, she will be having a party celebrating a super-important career step she recently made. I will be attending for a short time, probably less than an hour because of her cats, which I am allergic to.

I want to show nothing but love and encouragement to her, but I'm not feeling it like I usually do for the people around me. I'm mostly feeling done with her, and unfortunately there's even some resentment of the achievement (I was deeply looking forward to that in the marriage because that removes much of the pressure from her career.) Please send encouragement that I will show enthusiasm and detached love for my ex who is pretty much out of my life at this point, for the sake of this celebration; if you're the praying kind, please pray that I will feel and convey the love of Christ.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to everybody that celebrates changing the numbers on the Gregorian calendar!

As an event, the Christmas bow-kissing plan did not take off, not enough advertisement I think. There were three bows in evidence including the one I was wearing.

As an evening out for me, it was pretty great. I kissed two women, both of whom told me I'm a good kisser and kept coming back for more, one of whom is a very conventionally attractive young poly woman who has lots of kissing experience. So apparently I am a good kisser, which is a lovely thing to know.