Over at Svutlana's someone asked a question that gave me what I think was a great idea that I'm going to repost here.
A woman wrote in saying her husband had suddenly bought a strap-on and asked her to do some BDSM play with him as bottom. She was horrified, and said How could I be married to this man for fifteen years with two children and what I thought was a good normal sex life and have no idea that he was thinking about this!!!???
I think that's all too common. People do not share their fantasies with their loved ones because they are embarrassed, they feel like their loved ones will be horrified. Sometimes they're right, especially because their loved ones will feel pressured to fulfill the fantasies. Often I wanted to actually do things less than I wanted my wife to accept me and love me as a person who fantasized about those things.
So I thought of Dark Sexy Secret Sharing Time. I intend to ask my wife to do this with me when I remarry.
Set aside a regular time for sexy fantasy sharing. The stipulation should be that sharing it is NOT a request or suggestion; you will never try something you heard about this way unless you hear about it again some other way. You should be able to share fantasies that you never want to try in real life, that are too weird or creepy or problematic, without having to explain which ones are which. The purpose is to allow the listener to listen and accept without feeling pressured; if you're the listener, remember this is nothing you have to do. And to allow the teller to be able to share things without feeling embarrassed or feeling like they're pressuring the listener; remember this is nothing they have to do.
To make it sexy and encourage the teller, the listener should slowly gently be masturbating the teller; and asking questions, making encouraging hot noises, talking along with it. If it's a submissive sort of fantasy perhaps the listener can demand the teller tell; if a dominant fantasy, plead with the teller to tell. After the fantasy finishes, the listener should finish up, bringing the teller to orgasm. The listener sitting behind the teller embracing them might work well, especially if the listener occasionally wants to hide the look on their face.
It may be all one way. Sometimes only one partner will have fantasies they'd like to share that way. But I think it would make me feel much closer.
I approve of this idea greatly. Mostly because I have a hell of a lot of fantasies that range from impractical to physically impossible, and I'd like to share them without my hypothetical partner getting upset that they can't grow wings or whatever.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's hot. :)
For couples that are shyer and/or better at writing than speaking, writing out one's fantasies could also work. And if it works out well, you could have your own homemade erotica.
Thanks, Ozymandias! I'm really enthusiastic about it, just because it sounds like it would be so great for me. Nice to hear that others like it too.
ReplyDeleteI like your writing idea too. I think the really important things are, the "never a request" part, and the sexually-expressed acceptance. Do you have any ideas how the partner could express that in the written case when the partner isn't actually into the fantasy, but still wants to express love and acceptance to the writer?
BTW, Ozymandias, if you're interested, here's a link to a femdom/malesub story I posted on Literotica:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=491811
To be honest I'm not entirely sure how the partner would express the love/acceptance for the written one, except, you know, saying "I love and accept you." But then I tend to have problems with the whole "nonverbal communication" thing.
ReplyDeleteCuddles afterwards, maybe. Cuddles are always nice.
And the story is lovely.
Having put this into practice in a less formal way, I will add that it is an A+++ good idea.
ReplyDeleteThanks LabRat! It's even better to hear it's a good idea from someone who does something like it! Sometimes when you try something in reality it doesn't work out like it seems it would.
ReplyDeleteI approve of this idea greatly. Mostly because I have a hell of a lot of fantasies that range from impractical to physically impossible...
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3 OMG CENTAURS!!!1!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3
Anyway. *Cough*.
I love this idea, too - the sharing part, anyway. I'm not sure about the orgasm part. Maybe it's that I can deal with my partner having fantasies I wouldn't want to fulfill, but if I know he likes whatever it is enough to jerk off to it, I'd find that a bit threatening.
Or maybe it's because I have tons and tons and tons of ideas that are sexy to my brain but not so much to my body (like the centaur thing). I almost feel like getting an orgasm while discussing of one of those ideas would have a Pavlovian effect and actually give me an awkward fetish.
I can see where it would be seriously awkward to be too attached to an unavailable kink. However, I've wanked a lot to harem fantasies, and it's never made me even want to do FMF or FFM in real life.
ReplyDelete(I'll explain 'cause that's a little unusual - I see FMF as always containing a girl I'm not satisfying and FFM as girl-girl sex and a third wheel).
Well, we never defined it as a custom or tradition or anything, but my wife and I have definitely done the whole "exchange fantasies -- even the ones too out-there to expect to see enacted" thing.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that my sexual fantasy life has been taking place in public on the internet (although not entirely under my real name) since before we even met helped, I think. Pointing out which of the stories on the message boards I run were actually my own (and which others were among my personal favorites) was easier than coming out, from zero, as some kind of kinky perv loonie. And once I'd done that, she seemed to find it a lot easier to share the strangeness at the back of her own mind.
Does her stuff turn me on? Not exactly. Does mine turn her on? I think a little bit, but not as much as for me. But that's ultimately not the point. It's about trust. It's about taking those things you're most emphatically tempted to keep secret, and specifically choosing to share them with the person you trust most, but also fear most.
And on that front, it's been a raving success. :)
Very well-put, Matt.
ReplyDelete