Sunday, November 13, 2011

Why the fuck do I have to be so loyal?

Why the fuck do I have to be so loyal? It's killing me.

Probably going to be some stream of conciousness on this blog, then I'll have said it all and shut up. I don't want to worry you all, I'll survive this. I just need to vent. It's the problem that's been getting to me recently; my heart is still attached even though my head is not. I don't want to make anyone think I'm an stalking obsessive. For example, I've known she was on FetLife for months, and how to find her, and I didn't look till a virus-induced impulse this morning. Just now I checked my email, hoping for a distraction, and she'd sent me a link to an photo album of a documentary shoot the new guy borrowed some stuff from me for. She contacts me more often than I her. Admittedly, when I contact her, I often ask if she wants to get together; whereas when she contacts me it's usually because she wants something she left here. Anyway, I'm not stalking.

Despite the high-minded thoughts in the last post, I'm a mess. I was feeling lonely before, especially because I've been sick at home and haven't spoken to another human since Tuesday. Now, turmoil and heartache.

Happiness for her happiness is going to win. I'm going to fucking MAKE it win. I am stronger than this.

"Master, which is the great commandment in the law?"

Jesus said unto him, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

"This is the first and great commandment.

"And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

"On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

Matthew 22:36-40, KJV


  1. Loyalty must be deserved my friend.

    It is difficult to get a proper read on these things from several states away, but my instincts(and HH's) are screaming that the situation with your ex is something more diabolical. I don't believe the problem is with you.

  2. Odysseus, thank you and HH both! My ex has abandoned her Christianity, and believing in Satan and devils as I do I assume they are always involved in such a thing. But I don't think that has anything to do with my pain.

    For me, there really isn't a situation besides my inability to let go properly. Far as I can tell, they're both very happy, and that ought to be the extent of it for me. Admittedly, it really was lousy timing for me to decide to look. It's still something that can be cured/overcome by love.

  3. You ever think it is not just you causing this unnatural continuing attachment to your ex please e-mail one of us.

    We pray for you daily anyway and are willing to add more spiritual "muscle" if need be.

  4. Oh, I think I can explain the unnatural continuing attachment. There's lots of reasons, like she's beautiful, and still nice to me though not very forthcoming, and a fascinating person. But mainly, I suppose, it's the fact that in my efforts to make sure I never fail in love for my neighbor (her), I tend to take all the blame for everything that went wrong. And that is something I have to fix in this case; I have to start being more fair to me.

    First thing, I think, is the fact that she never told her husband what she wanted sexually but did tell some other guy? That was WRONG. I'm sure the story's not so simple, probably he helped her to realize it, but still.

  5. Hello M - I think I understand the place you are in.

    I think we all have inside us a switch that causes pair bonding and is very hard to switch off. I've noticed it in myself. Loyalty is sort of like a natural state. It takes a couple of years for your subconscious to detach. Try thinking of the things you did not like about the lady or some incompatibility everytime you start thinking positive things. Eventually you will be ready to move on. I think God will understand - but of course don't be hateful, just honest with yourself. Hope that helps! :-) C

  6. Thanks Candice! Yeah, I think in the normal case, people's anger and feelings of betrayal sever the connection for them. In my case I have always turned away from those feelings and pushed them down, so the normal mechanisms have not been able to operate.