Saturday, March 19, 2011

A failure from a very successful date.

Last night I was on a very successful first date. We talked for four hours in the restaurant, closing it down; then in the parking lot we hugged, I asked her if she'd like a kiss, and after the kiss she kept initiating, and it turned into a four-hour (11 to 3am) standing in a public parking lot make-out session. I had to rein it in in some ways; e.g. several times I needed to move her hands off my crotch.

The thing I think of as a failure was when (without genital contact) she was clearly enjoying herself, then said, "I'm going to come." What I should have done was moved to less interesting parts of her body, and said, "We need to slow down." But in the moment all I could think of was pulling away in a way that would make her feel like she'd suddenly turned disgusting, or continuing. I continued.

Because, deep down, I continually underestimate both my own attractiveness and some women's ability to orgasm, I was totally unprepared for that situation, and didn't see my options. It's always better to think things through beforehand, but frankly deep down I thought even if someone could come that easily, that it wouldn't apply with me.

In Christianity, we are all sinners. What I do now is decide how not to do it again, and confess it to God and trust in His grace; His grace is what makes Christianity unique.

I'm going to have to talk with her about limits before I see her again. Never thought I might need such a talk on the first date.


  1. Wow. You made a girl cum by making out with her in a parking lot? That's amazing. As to the failure of such... I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you. Yeah it sounds like you may need to better define boundaries. It also sounds like I'm not telling you anything that you hadn't already thought of. That's probably good.

  2. Yeah, I did, but I think that probably says much more about her skills than mine. Certainly it was not something I expected, and the first time I've caused one without genital contact. I wonder if she were faking, that's a possibility; but if she were faking it I'd think that she'd be much more overt than the rather subtle way she showed it and why would she do it without genital contact?

  3. mmm...I think you should see it as an advantage that the lady finds you so exciting. You may drive her crazy by not allowing her to orgasm and build a barrier to your future happy life together. She may associate interaction with you with extreme frustration or she might rush into marriage to get her hands on you.

    Also ...I've always thought that as long as both parties keep their clothes on, making out is fine. Perhaps you should review the scripture on that? I'd like to hear your argument in this matter. :-)

    In case you want to limit what you do, perhaps arrange outings in public with plenty of activities or more restaurant vists for lots of talking. Both will benefit relationship building without the pain of controlling one's natural attraction for what seems like an idea partner!

  4. Candice, I do see it as an advantage, especially in terms of her suit compared to others. I like feeling wanted above anything.

    I do think it's likely that both of us will be frustrated and both of us will want to rush into marriage for the sex. That's just a consequence of being abstinent until marriage that we must consciously deal with.

    Unfortunately Scripture does not provide any guidance in this matter that I know of. My feeling is that touching someone in a way that is intended to cause orgasm is having sex with them. Masturbating oneself is not, in my estimation, in any Scripturally relevant sense. So that's a way to relieve the frustration. It left my conscience easy in the time leading up to my second marriage, and that's the best guide I have. But even that I'd prefer to stay well away from until sometime considerably later than the second date (which is tonight).

  5. I really don't think she was faking it! Having orgasms like that, without straight manipulation, is somehow really humiliating. I'm positive she had a different stance than you did on what consitutes sex, and that's why this happened. I'm sad about how it mangled some beautiful things for you, but it can still make way for other beautiful things, like setting boundaries in a friendly way.

    I've been in that situtation more than once, where the other party is getting close to orgasm, and I realize it too late and then don't want to withdraw so they wouldn't feel rejected. It always leaves me with a sense of having been used, and has been a breeding ground for many, many big discussions with Wonderboy.

    I hope you get to the discussion with a loving tone, and don't get too defencive an answer. It must be really hard for the woman to hear later that she crossed a line with you. Be gentle.