Sorry for few posts

Right now I'm primarily working, commuting, and consuming caffeine to make up for a lack of sleep. I have a couple of thoughts that sound like they'll make interesting posts someday, but that might be the 5-Hour Energy or tea or sugar-free Red Bull or Jolt energy gum talking.

Sugar-free Red Bull, by the way, tastes like the strawberries that Lucifer grows in Hades for the torment of lost souls.

Why do men like women who are jerks? Or, do they?

I happened to come across this video (Beatrice - Electroshock) while browsing the Internet. (OK, it was a link from a Caramell video). Now there's a number of things that I quite like about it, like the extensive focus on the singer's face, and her nice smile. But it brought up something I'd like to talk about here.

The chorus is

I'm like electro, electroshock
I'm cruel, I'm cold, I'm burning hot

My reaction is "You're cruel and cold? Well, thanks for your honesty, bye-bye!" I started wondering why that isn't the obvious and overwhelmingly common reaction to such a statement, and noticed this is the mirror of the hackneyed "Why do women like men who are jerks?" question. And I think that while "Why do men like jerks?" gets very little mention, women's insensitivity or cruelty is is shown far more openly than men's.

It's a chance, gonna move
gonna fuck up your ego
silly boy, gonna make you cry
Shiny Toy Guns - Le Disko*

So, it seems that at least some singers and/or producers think cruelty or callousness from women appeals to men. I think probably less frequently than they think. But, on the other hand, it's obviously not simple myth.

She'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
...
blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me
Billy Joel - She's Always A Woman**

I find that the idea that men like women who are jerks is, like a lot of sexist ideas, insulting to women and men both. It's insulting to men because we men aren't supposed to know any better, we're supposed to just accept it if a woman is a jerk to us; I guess because we're supposed to be so desperate for a warm hole that fits in a dress with a small size number. It's insulting to women because we men aren't supposed to care about their character at all, or even worse in the case of the Billy Joel song, the implication that lack of character is actually characteristic of being a woman.

I think that callousness or cruelty from women is shown much more openly because men are expected to be more dangerous. And when you think people are going to think you're dangerous, one reaction is to try and assure them you're not. Here you all see my most unhinged rants, in real life I'm extremely mild; and a big part of that is because I'm armed. My leather/punk/biker phase was before I started carrying a gun; now it's a 10mm under a wool cardigan that Mr. Rogers might wear. In cases like this, I think women do not feel like saying they are cruel and cold is all that threatening, and like me in the punk/biker phase, they want to be at least dangerous enough not to be pushed around. And I think that threatening words from women are given a bit more of a pass.

If I were you
I'd dare not speak
I'd run like hell
In hopes of seeing tomorrow
Dash Berlin with Cerf Mitiska & Jaren - Man On The Run***

I think that coming off as cruel, cold, or uncaring is a counterproductive action for this purpose however; if you are being dangerous by being cruel and cold, you are not encouraging people to be kind, you are encouraging them to be distant and uninvolved.

So why do some men like women that are jerks? I don't have an answer. I suppose sometimes it's a submissive thing, usually unacknowledged, though the jerk thing is repellent to my particular submissive thinking. Probably sometimes it's the fulfillment of the insulting implications I just listed. There really are men who would gloss over character the same way as I try (and sometimes fail) to gloss over looks.


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* My reaction to the Le Disko lyrics is much stronger, more like "Get the fuck away before I get a restraining order!" Also, I am so glad that I don't look as vulnerable as the boy in the video and attract women with such an attitude. Which should not be taken as a criticism of those of you who are attracted to such boys and genuinely like them and want to treat them well. Or taken as criticism of those who think this video is hot; in at least one case I can guess it and understand your reasons. :)

** I always hated this song for the sentiments expressed; and I think Billy Joel being as famous as he is, he'd stop singing this song if he hated it. Billy Joel (or, say, Madonna) can probably be held more responsible for what they sing than Beatrice or Shiny Toy Guns at this stage of their careers.

*** I thought it was interesting that the singer looks a lot like my ex; she looks even more like my ex in this one, though.

Working with my mental blocks

I've mentioned here that I haven't found anyone but my ex really that physically desirable in person; I have a mental block created for the purpose of loyalty to her that I can't really get rid of right now. Likely for the best. So I decided that I'd like to apply that to her; if there's anybody in the world for whom my desire would really fuck me up, it's her. So I pondered that for a while, and it seems to have worked. I saw her twice recently, at my birthday party (I invited her and her boyfriend, but only she could make it) and at a costume event this Saturday, where she was with her boyfriend and wearing the steampunk costume that she never wore for me that I used to think was was so hot. It seems to have worked; there was nothing, which is definitely for the best. I still think it's a hot costume, and I still think she's an attractive woman, but now I don't feel anything about either; they are irrelevant to me in sexual terms.

Sometimes we make our crazy work for us. :)

Um

So, I get the feeling that the woman I was talking about before reads this blog. She didn't say as much. But when I vented about what I didn't like about her looks, trying to make myself feel better for her personality not overriding her looks in my estimation, I think she read that. I used to be free with links to it, I probably gave her one or she got it off my FetLife profile before I removed it. Or she could have just found me because I use Mousie762 both places. Which was probably not smart.

If you are reading this, I'm so very sorry.

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day! To Americans and others who like the idea of a nation founded on ideas of liberty that were almost unthinkable both then (freedom with religion and speech) and now (freedom with drugs and artillery and income).

I hate me

Well, I told that sweet, kind, loving woman who thought the world of me that I wasn't feeling desire for her or anyone else. After basically leading her on by overestimating myself and believing I could feel desire where I should have. And failing. And I inflicted wounds I have no power to heal on that heart that has already suffered so much. And telling her this truth was the only thing I could do, but I hate myself because of what the truth was.

She tried to get me to promise not to beat myself up about this, but I knew I couldn't keep that promise.

Desire and compromise 2

A more organized, less rambling, and more complete version of the main theme from my last post.

The woman I'm dating right now does not have a conventionally attractive appearance. It's far enough from the conventionally attractive that she has had a lot of experience with people showing interest in her online profile then losing interest when they see her picture, and she had pretty much given up on it and was planning to remove it.

I find that I do not really desire her, but it seems so far that I do not really desire anybody. The idea of sex with anyone except my ex is just not real to me, and it seems to short-circuit my libido. Especially with conventionally attractive women; I recognize how good they look, but it's sort of irrelevant. I can intellectually think that sex with them would/should be desirable, but there isn't any of the kind of desire that previously set my mind fantasizing or fighting off fantasies. Some kind of automatic mechanism slams the shutters on that kind of thought before it gets started. Considering that the only exception to this is when I see my ex, I figure this is largely a mechanism I built up in the days I was married.

I can't tell how much of my lack of desire is from the general case and how much is specific to this one woman.

My girlfriend right now apparently finds me more or less exactly what she wished for, except that I'm messy. But I do not find myself desiring her sexually. I like her. I think she's a wonderful person. She is probably even more eager to please than I am, which is not something I ever thought I'd find. And she is extraordinarily good at those things that we allow ourselves to do; for example I've never been kissed anything like that before. And she has a extremely active imagination, highly compatible with mine. She is extremely kind and I think she would do just about anything for me; so much so that I'm very careful what I say about what I might like.

I think she deserves a good man, and I think given the search she's told me about over past years that she isn't all that likely to find a better match, and I know she thinks she won't. I've told her as delicately as I could that her body isn't really my ideal, and she basically responded with the idea that she could make me attracted to her some day (as she continues to lose weight, and as she is no longer limited by my abstinence.) I told her because I don't want to be lying to her when I do and say things to make her feel good.

The easy thing to say is that she wouldn't want someone who doesn't desire her. But I don't think that's really true. Certainly lots of rich men date or marry beautiful young women; and certainly they're mostly not fools enough to think it's them that's desired, rather than their money. I am in the position of the gold-digger, except I want the love and devotion she offers rather than her money. (I make quite a bit more, BTW, and I pay for everything unless she argues.) She may think that being with someone who acts out of love, and gratitude for what she does for him, is much better than being alone. I certainly would have been overjoyed had my ex treated me the way I would treat her, which is an extension of the way I act now.

But the way I act now I see as a problem. I'm driving and exaggerating and to some extent even playacting my interest. And that is exactly what I should be doing if we were already married and I felt the same way, but it's not what I think I should be doing now. Now is the time to show the ugliest truths.

So what I'm thinking I should do, for my sake rather than hers, is explain the problem and try to take it back to a friend kind of level; and resume looking, but in a very low-key, friendship only kind of way. See who I meet. I think she's very unique, but I was only looking a couple of months. How would I know?