Communication Problems In A Nutshell

I guess there were a lot of problems between my wife and I. But here's a story that sums up the point of failure that defeated my attempts to resolve them, and I think defeated hers too.

A couple of days ago we got together for lunch. I had found a pair of her socks, and told her to remind me to give them to her back at my house. I said I was hoping Saturnine Thespian (the new guy) was doing well. I mentioned how much I'm hoping for a letter from the judge, she told me she thought when it came it would be effectively backdated to when the 90-day wait was over. She told me about her upcoming trip to Greece, and her New Year's plans. After lunch I asked her for a last kiss goodbye, which she kindly granted, while I teared up badly.

I didn't think the divorce was backdated, so I looked it up later. I sent her two e-mails.

For what it's worth, I found my copy of the "Waiver Of Notice Of Intention To Request Entry Of A Divorce Decree Under 3301(c) Of The Divorce Code" that we both had to sign, which says in part:

"3. I understand I will not be divorced until a divorce decree is entered by the Court and that a copy of the decree will be sent to me immediately after it is filed with the prothonotary."

That's why I'm still wearing my ring when I'm not working with metal. It's part of why I was surprised when I heard you were already dating. I hope I'm not being rude to say this but if you want forgiveness for that, you have it already, without asking. I hope you find someone who will make you happier than I did.

Best regards,
[Mousie]

and

I still have a pair of your socks.

Regards,
[Mousie]

I got a cheerful reply to the socks one and nothing to the first one. Maybe this isn't the best example, what was she really supposed to say to the first one? But it's emblematic. She'd talk about trivialities and most immediate practicalities but I couldn't get her to talk about anything consequential to the relationship. (Appropriate music.) She's said I should already understand; which baloney I bought for a long time and felt guilty about.

Do me a favor? Next time you hear someone talk about men's lack of communication skills, kick them in the ass for me. Metaphorically! (I guess.)

Busy in the physical world

I've got stuff I want to talk about, but I'm also a slow writer and I've got a ton of chores in my neglected house. Please bear with me for a bit, I'll be back.

Home!

I am back home! My monitor, which I bought in a flush period for gaming, is freaking gigantic. I was using a hand-me-down laptop with a small screen at my parent's. Now I see why my wife used to say she felt like my monitor was shouting at her.

I have the rather ludicrous handgun I habitually carry back on my hip; I've been used to this as a constant companion for about 17 years, and I missed it. It was illegal where I was. It's part of my extremely prepared persona, like the Swisstool or the lighter (though I don't smoke).

The dogs are back on the sofa; they weren't allowed on any furniture at my parent's. (Here they have a sofa and one armchair besides dog beds.)

I have been thinking of indulging my exhibitionism by posting a picture of my face, and my paranoia by deleting it after about a week. Any of my friends who read this blog would know who I am anyway; how many Christians got divorced and broke their necks in Aikido in the same time period? So, I ask for advice; any repercussions you can think of that I can't?

The Canticle of the Sun

The Canticle of Brother Sun
by Francis of Assisi

Most High, all powerful, good Lord,
Yours are the praises, the glory, the honor,
and all blessing.

To You alone, Most High, do they belong,
and no man is worthy to mention Your name.

Be praised, my Lord, through all your creatures,
especially through my lord Brother Sun,
who brings the day; and you give light through him.
And he is beautiful and radiant in all his splendor!
Of you, Most High, he bears the likeness.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Sister Moon
and the stars, in heaven you formed them
clear and precious and beautiful.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Brother Wind,
and through the air, cloudy and serene,
and every kind of weather through which
You give sustenance to Your creatures.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Sister Water,
which is very useful and humble and precious and chaste.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Brother Fire,
through whom you light the night and he is beautiful
and playful and robust and strong.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Sister Mother Earth,
who sustains us and governs us and who produces
varied fruits with colored flowers and herbs.

Praised be You, my Lord,
through those who give pardon for Your love,
and bear infirmity and tribulation.

Blessed are those who endure in peace
for by You, Most High, they shall be crowned.

Praised be You, my Lord,
through our Sister Bodily Death,
from whom no living man can escape.

Woe to those who die in mortal sin.
Blessed are those whom death will
find in Your most holy will,
for the second death shall do them no harm.

Praise and bless my Lord,
and give Him thanks
and serve Him with great humility.

Source: Franciscan Friars Third Order Regular

---------------

I made myself kind of miserable this Christmas day by missing my wife and thinking about how if I were a better man she might have stayed. Often, I make myself miserable by focusing on my own inadequacies and self-doubt. Today, though, I'm remembering how much more there is in this world; how much I still have to admire and enjoy. My inadequacies don't matter when instead of focusing on myself I focus on the beautiful world God put me in to see.

Today is a good day.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! If you don't celebrate Christmas I still wish you a merry December 25th through January 6th!

Clean hair

I decided the holes in my head were healed enough to risk normal water-rinse shampooing it (three times). It's been over two and a half months. Used the no-rinse "astronaut" shampoo several times, but it's not the same.

Rejoice with me, for I have clean hair!

Unfair impressions

I have a problem with the word "feminism" and the associations it has for me. Recently I went over how it's exactly the same problem many people I know have with Christianity, and probably equally unfair; and perhaps equally fair.

Almost anybody will say that Christianity says lots of good things; but they think those things are or should be obvious. Certainly Christians aren't the only ones who say them. So when Christians are saying good things, they don't stand out. That's one of my reactions to feminism; the good things it says tend to be obvious.

One really stands out when one is saying things that are different or objectionable. And that space is crowded with the lunatics and the hatemongers. Which is why feminism is associated with prudery, repression, sexism, and guilt in my mind, just those things that people accuse Christianity of promoting.

Prudery, repression, sexism, and guilt. The idea that virtually all heterosexual sexual expression is predation by entitled men. The idea that a man may not be dominant without being evil and a woman may not be submissive without being victimized; and that even if it's the other way around it's probably fake domination to fill his submissive kinks. The idea that a man is doing a woman wrong by any expression of sexual interest. The guilt of still wanting those things. The guilt of having been born a man, and therefore always suspect. Born someone excluded by the very name "feminism". Catch-22, damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't, unavoidable guilt. If I spank her I'm exploiting her; if she spanks me I'm still exploiting her.

I'm not providing any links here because I don't want to assemble a case and provide evidence; I'm intending to report a perception not bring an accusation. I can tell this is perception is false from the self-identified feminists I read all the time. On the other hand I can tell it is true from other self-identified feminists who I don't read very much. Or self-identified former feminists. Or things like reading a female bisexual who only applies sadism to men because of feminism (sorry, that's sexist).

Christianity has an advantage here, if you want you can go back to the Book to see which Christian is presenting the true face. (Hint: it may be the one saying "I may not participate in this", it's never the one saying "You are horrible for participating in this.") Feminism doesn't have one central reference you can check things against. Maybe if it did I'd find I could call myself a feminist.