I'm still at war with my tastes in women's looks. I can't seem to change them. The war has been heating up again as women who do match my tastes show interest.
Part of the problem is that my best women friends do not match where my tastes run, and they already feel bad about their bodies. I feel like by acknowledging what I like, I am betraying them. I feel like by admitting I don't want someone who looks like them, I am devaluing them.
Also, I know if I marry someone I am attracted to and lack of sex becomes a problem again, I will blame myself endlessly for being shallow in choosing her. (It's what I did last time, too.) There is an undercurrent in my mind that is afraid of women who attract me, that thinks if I pick a conventionally unattractive woman and it all goes wrong again at least I'll be less harsh on myself. And also, that a less conventionally attractive woman may at least continue to like my looks even if she doesn't much want to have sex with me.
At least I'm not like this all the time anymore, this is coming from one of my downswings.