I'm still at war with my tastes in women's looks. I can't seem to change them. The war has been heating up again as women who do match my tastes show interest.
Part of the problem is that my best women friends do not match where my tastes run, and they already feel bad about their bodies. I feel like by acknowledging what I like, I am betraying them. I feel like by admitting I don't want someone who looks like them, I am devaluing them.
Also, I know if I marry someone I am attracted to and lack of sex becomes a problem again, I will blame myself endlessly for being shallow in choosing her. (It's what I did last time, too.) There is an undercurrent in my mind that is afraid of women who attract me, that thinks if I pick a conventionally unattractive woman and it all goes wrong again at least I'll be less harsh on myself. And also, that a less conventionally attractive woman may at least continue to like my looks even if she doesn't much want to have sex with me.
At least I'm not like this all the time anymore, this is coming from one of my downswings.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything wrong with not being attracted to some women... the problem is when you say that some women are objectively unattractive because they don't give you a boner, or other douchey things like that. :)
*hugs back* Thanks, Ozymandias!
ReplyDeleteIt just seems so unfair, though, that so many people have so few people who think they're really attractive, and it's so near impossible for many of them to do anything about it. I wish I could break out of that mold.
Part of the problem is that my best women friends do not match where my tastes run...I feel like by admitting I don't want someone who looks like them, I am devaluing them.
ReplyDeleteOnly if a woman's sole value is in being fuckable.
And I think that as long as you talk about this stuff with your friends tactfully - "No, I'm not interested in so-and-so; I'm more attracted to blondes/thinner women/taller women/whatever" instead of "Her? Oh god no! She's hideous" they won't be offended (what Ozy said, basically...never act like there's such a thing as objective attractiveness).
If anything, I find it a relief to know that my guy friends are attracted to a different "type" than me; I've had way too many times when I felt platonic about a guy who wanted to fuck me and it always caused tension. Perhaps your friends are similarly relieved that you're not interested.
Also, I know if I marry someone I am attracted to and lack of sex becomes a problem again, I will blame myself endlessly for being shallow in choosing her.
But if you marry a woman you're not attracted to and the sex dries up, wouldn't you then blame that?
And also, that a less conventionally attractive woman may at least continue to like my looks even if she doesn't much want to have sex with me.
You seem to be implying a connection between what a woman looks like and what she likes to look at, and I don't think there is one. Unless I'm misunderstanding what you're saying. Can you talk more about what you mean here?
It just seems so unfair, though, that so many people have so few people who think they're really attractive
...But why is it your job to rescue one of them with pity-attention? And is pity-attention really that awesome of a thing to receive? :P
I mean, I dunno. I married the total antithesis of my physical type because society told me it's my duty to fuck guys who aren't conventionally attractive. After I left him, I realized, waiiit a minute - the only reason I was put in that position of feeling pressured to "give him a chance" is because he was attracted to me and pursued me! So why did his feelings of attraction take precedence over my lack of attraction?
Later still, I realized that even if I did have some obligation to put out for "unattractive" guys who were attracted to me, I could have fulfilled it via dudes I think are hot - "my type" is, as you know, kinda far from the mainstream. Likewise, I bet you have physical quirks you adore that aren't "mainstream", either. Hell, even the iconic perfect blonde Barbie-doll type of woman isn't every guy's cup of tea; therefore, you can date a woman you find attractive and you'd still be "rescuing" her from maybe ending up with someone who's not that into her, no matter what she looks like.
It's late and I have a feeling my post is disjointed and weird, but hopefully you can glean what I'm trying to get at.
<3
Only if a woman's sole value is in being fuckable. Mmm, not really. Who doesn't want to be fuckable and doesn't feel somewhat devalued by being told they're not? Certainly I feel devalued at the idea. I'm using devalued to mean loss of some value, not all of it.
ReplyDeletePerhaps your friends are similarly relieved that you're not interested. No, definitely not. Maybe if I were pushier or less trustworthy, less of a gentleman. But as it is they'd really prefer that I liked their looks.
But if you marry a woman you're not attracted to and the sex dries up, wouldn't you then blame that?
Actually I would just blame myself endlessly for being shallow again. Guess it's not worthwhile trying to avoid that one. :)
And is pity-attention really that awesome of a thing to receive? :P
Yes. If you're desperate enough. I kink on pity, actually. It's kind of ludricrously artificial in my case because if I agreed some of my poly friends have told me they would first fuck me and then start introducing me to their friends who have asked them about me. But that doesn't entirely matter; I still feel how it goes.
...But why is it your job to rescue one of them with pity-attention? It's my job because making the people around me happier is always my job. But, as you go on to imply, it's not my job because I can only be with one person; and there could be someone who makes me swoon that would likewise be happy with attention.
Likewise, I bet you have physical quirks you adore that aren't "mainstream", either. Yeah. Someone I was talking to on OKCupid last night mentioned a list of eight examples of physical things that might make a woman feel unattractive, four of which could be found on a woman that I would think was the stuff of dreams.
I do get what you're getting at. And I thank you. <3 You'll be glad to hear that I've been messaging women that I do find attractive; whether or not they already get a lot of messages judging by the the "replies often"/"replies very selectively" dohickey on the site.