Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas late to those of you that celebrate it! Was away spending the weekend with my parents and cooking for them.

Still not dead

I'm still not dead! I decided to keep from focusing on the fact that I am alone, I needed something else to focus on, some specific purpose to my existence; so I've been trying to make the people around me a little bit happier. I made potroast for the Progressive Gun Fan, who just got back surgery, and Rook. Helped a friend move, scheduled myself to give massages Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep up friendships with the various women who contacted me while my OKCupid profile was still up, though I've explained that it's not going anywhere. All this has left me with even less writing time than before.

Apropos of both things, I am always at my most lonely and feeling most like a loser New Year's Eve, when I am usually surrounded by married couples kissing. Instead of finding myself a date, I thought, I can't be the only one. So, I made a suggestion in the Dorian's Parlor group on FetLife that people going to Dorian's NYE wear a red bow (like on a Christmas present) that indicates the willingness to kiss anyone who asks all evening (people with bad history excepted, e.g. bad exes and stalkers.) I will be wearing one. And I'm quite nervous that no one will take me up on it. And the fact that I'm nervous about going to a party where, perhaps, no one will kiss me makes me feel like a teen girl in an After School Special. Commander Badass would not approve. (Jared would understand, though.) At least I actually posted the idea rather than obliquely chickening out by just thinking about it until it was too late.

One of the joys of being intentionally single

Wednesday night I found one of the joys of being intentionally single. I went to a club in Philadelphia with friends which had a floor playing my favorite type of music to dance to (e.g. The Prodigy - Funky Shit). The joy was, dancing like an idiot without caring what you look like. I was not there to impress anyone, and dancing is a lot more fun if you don't give a fuck.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope my American readers had a happy Thanksgiving! I've got about 1 minute left to say this.

Oh, dear

So, I finished my ex and the Saturnine Thespian's (the new guy's) shared blog Wednesday night, after my last post, something like 36,000 words. The parts where they were sharing things that I'm not into, I could rejoice with them the most. The parts where it was stuff I would have liked to do but she'd never open up with me? There was jealousy and anger. And there was some sadness from all of it.

At first, I was pretty distraught; I called up Determined Guy and Determined Girl and asked if I could come over for some company, not to be alone. They said yes, as I was sure they would, they're good people; we talked about it a bit. And I thought about things I had read the next day. How much love and devotion is in S.T.'s writing. How familiar my ex's love-and-devotion-promising responses sound, under the fet trappings. How her writing has tapered off much more than his since it started. How he apologizes for the lack of content, and she doesn't. How much he reveals of himself, his conventionally embarrassing kinks, his awkward adolescence; how she reveals nothing of her past but a vague reference to how she always had dark desires but was trapped by the vanilla world into hiding them. Her preposterously ironic (to me) musing on the beauty of devoted marriage that no one does in the modern world, delivered without the faintest hint of self-consciousness. His most recent post, talking about how his dreams are falling into place because of her.

And I thought, the poor guy.

And I thought about how most people have never heard her seriously admit a failure, and me only once. And how surprised she was at the idea that my family might be mad at her. And I thought how her memory seems to be run by the Ministry of Truth. And I thought about the times I've met him (S.T.) recently; I was extremely intent on showing that I was not a threat, not full of hate; but how from the very beginning he had none of the defensiveness that I would expect from someone meeting a distraught jilted ex-husband who is carrying a gun.

And I thought, how was all this presented to him?

And I thought, I probably owe her first husband an apology.

Wrong For Me

I think it would be wise for me to go over some of the ways my ex is wrong for me to help me keep in mind that it was really not that great before she left anyway. It's a shame that none of you reading this blog get to see her good side here, but, the blog is about what I need to talk about and can't to people who know her.

Reluctance for intimate personal communication, especially about sex
Lack of moral courage (she has physical courage)
Lack of a giving spirit matching mine, especially in sex
Very poor at admitting mistakes or shortcomings
Not a Christian
Not truly serious about vows
Kinks seriously don't match (she's very into S&M, I'm not so much; she's into taking or having taken, I'm into giving or receiving giving)
Devotion to her work is far greater than devotion to her partner
Lack of introspection

Almost any of these would be a dealbreaker by itself if I were looking for someone new. All of them together?

Just wanted to say I'm feeling better.

Just wanted to say I'm feeling better than before.