Jack Antonoff Gushes About His Lady

Jack Antonoff on Lena Dunham: Lena Dunham's Boyfriend Jack Antonoff Gushes About His Lady: ''I Still Want to Know Everything About Her'' Feb 18, 2015

Lena Dunham on Jack Antonoff: Dog or Jewish Boyfriend? A Quiz March 30, 2015

Google the reactions. Apparently the media thinks this would be OK if "Jewish" was removed and it was "Dog or Boyfriend? A Quiz".

This is a pure and horrible example of the kind of talk I hear all the time from men about the women they're with vs. women about the men they're with. Women don't have a tithe of the social pressures to treat the opposite sex decently that men do, and thus many of them seem to be going the Lord of the Flies route.

Or is it giving up?

After actually writing it down in the Turning Asexual? post, it brings up clearly that the idea that female sexuality is of infinite value and male sexuality is of negative value is an attitude imposed by outside propaganda that I don't actually believe. I have to live in a culture that acts that way, and I may still not participate under this culture for that reason, but I shall not knuckle under and believe it myself. I am worth as much as a woman in every way.

Turning Asexual?

Back to writing something out for therapy. If anyone reads it, thanks.

For the last two years I've been dating the same woman. I have not been enjoying it much, she apparently has. That's presumably for a couple of reasons; one because I only feel comfortable giving, not receiving. And two, because I see any sexual interaction of a man with a woman as her giving and him receiving. And three, because I don't have any personal hope of being in a relationship that benefits me.

Back in 2010, one of the first posts on this blog was Giving and Mutuality In that post I mentioned:

I learn easily, but tend to take hyperbolic lessons literally and too far. While learning to solder pipe I was told that you can't overheat it; they said that because the most common problem is underheating it. I overheated it every time and the solder would bead and run off instead of coating the pipe and being sucked into the joint as it should.

From sources calling themselves social conservative or feminist, intending to prevent loss of chastity or sexual aggression respectively, from the male-dominated entertainment media, and from my ex, I have learned that female sexuality has infinite value and male sexuality has negative value. And that lesson has sunk in so deeply at this point that it short-circuits my libido in fantasies; I am changing in a temporary way at least from heterosexual to asexual. In my mind, sexual activity puts me in debt that I can never pay. I don't see a girl flirting, I see separately a friendly person and a price tag that says $∞. I interact in a friendly way with the friendly person and ignore what's behind the price tag.

This, by the way, seems to be incredibly appealing to women. A little while ago I was declared official convention date of a whole all-female dance troupe. It's all very ironic for a nerdy guy who was an involuntary virgin for a long time. (Later for religious reasons.)

At least as big as this sexual aspect is the one where I only feel comfortable giving and not receiving. In a relationship, I give and give, and I try hard to block any return. My health is not that great, and when I've given all I can I still feel like it's not enough.

So, as this has developed, I've less and less wanted to be in any kind of romantic relationship, and I talked to my girlfriend about that a couple of months ago. She has a very different view of the relationship, probably because she's thinking of everything she WOULD do if allowed rather than how I feel guilty for any giving she gets past me. She seemed to kind of blow off my feelings as something that could be fixed with antidepressants. Then she was diagnosed with cancer.

I threw myself into taking care of her as much as I could and moved the whole not wanting to be in a relationship thing aside. My work has suffered and I've been feeling pretty bad; I've had a cough for over three weeks now. I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow for the first time in about four years.

She's been telling people that I'm her angel, and the only thing I feel is guilty that I haven't done enough. How can I be happy in a relationship thinking like this?

Rereading Giving and Mutuality was a little depressing because I have gone the opposite direction from what I was hoping there.

But in another way I feel like I'm getting closer to the Nirvana of freedom from desire. I don't really even want to change. I know there are men out there who are happier than they would have been alone, some of you used to read this, but such husbands seem so few, and I was so miserable in those last years with my ex.

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays!

Media spin and gun control

Ever notice whenever there's a tragic mass shooting, the reaction of politicians is to try to make the rest of the country more like the location of the shooting, and few notice that's what they're doing because the media never seems to mention that? Connecticut (where Sandy Hook Elementary School is) has an "assault weapons" ban. Sandy Hook and every mass shooting in the US except the one in Tuscon, AZ since 1950 has been in a gun free zone. Wouldn't it make the discussion clearer to say, provide a list of the laws the shooter was breaking? If, that is, the news media had a desire to inform people so they could make better policy. I have found with every subject I know a lot about, mainstream media is totally misleading, and it's always misleading in the direction of promoting more government control and less individual freedom.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everybody who celebrates it! And happy December 25th to everyone who doesn't!

Now I see it.

Every relationship cools a little eventually. It's just something you have to understand and allow for. But for me, there was a voice in my head saying that as soon as there was a commitment, the love my partner felt for me would fade and vanish. Like it did with both my ex-wives. With my girlfriend, everything that brought us closer freaked me out. I saw superficialities like looks as more lasting than her love. I wish I had seen it sooner. I can't attempt a serious relationship unless/until I fix this.

God I feel so stupid.

I just broke up with the girl with whom I had the enthusiasm gap. Or she broke up with me, because I wanted to see other people. I feel so stupid- I should have felt so much more enthusiasm. She deserved so much more, but my stupid heart wouldn't listen to my head. Now I'm saying "why did you do that you idiot?" But I had to do it. She may have been the one for me, the best chance at happiness I'll ever have, but I didn't feel it and it didn't seem like I was going to. No matter how many great qualities she has, I wasn't reacting to them right. And I felt like a deceiver and a cheat whenever she'd praise me. She deserves better and I hope she finds it, a guy who's better than me and emotionally ready for a relationship on the marriage track.

Glamer Problem

That's not a misspelling; it's one of the ways they spelled 'glamour' when it still meant a magic spell rather than high fashion.

On my birthday, in early July, Sparkly Girl gave me a framed photo of me with four of my female friends around me. She told me it was a reminder of some of the women that adore me. Every girl that has actually gone out for me has fallen for me; the longer it's gone the harder they've fallen. My current girlfriend, and the one before, have both spontaneously called me both 'Mr. Awesome' and 'Mr. Wonderful'. I've realized that I've become one of those people that just has something about them. I've know women who had the same thing; almost every guy loved them, though there were other women around who were just as nice, or prettier.

But this effect made a problem for me when I tried to date around, meet girls. My OKCupid profile said that I wanted to meet lots of people and keep it strictly platonic. My girlfriend, the very first girl that I went on a date with, told me that by the second date, she knew she was jumping with both feet; it might lead to heartbreak, but she thinks I'm worth the risk. Now there's kind of an enthusiasm gap. I like her, there's not a thing wrong with her, but she's not my perfect girl. I don't feel as much enthusiasm as I did meeting my second wife*. And I don't feel as much enthusiasm as she does.

The failure of my platonic plan was my fault, of course. And I contributed to it in lots of ways. One way was that I got carried away by someone who really likes me sexually. At the end of the second date, we were out at our cars, and she was looking at me rather starry-eyed. I said, I'd really like to kiss you now. She said, So kiss me then. I did and she responded hard; ending up leaning bonelessly back against her car, panting and groaning, head back, just from her response to the way I kiss and neck. Those of you who have know what it's like to feel undesirable can imagine the effect on me. I felt ten feet tall and shining.

The glamer seems to work on kids too. She, her six-year-old daughter, and I went to the mountains for a weekend recently. At the end of the trip, her daughter started shouting at her mother, "Marry him! Marry him!" So now I'm in a position to break two hearts instead of one, if it doesn't work out; and I can't see any way out without breaking both hearts. It makes me feel like I'm already committed to marry after only a few months, because I can't see a path out if I decide I want one.

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* Though it turned out a lot of those things I loved about my second wife were only to impress people rather than to actually use for a loved one; like the fancy cooking was only for parties never for home.

For fans of androgynous guys

Happened to come across this, sorry for the "bizarre" tag but I think the pictures are nice for fans of androgynous guys: http://xaxor.com/bizarre/male-models-looking-like-women.html#6858

Guilt

So the woman from here heard from "a friend" that I was in a relationship a few days ago, and send me a congratulations message at 12:30 at night. Last night she saw me in a restaurant with my girlfriend, and texted me to say she saw me come in. This morning I got this:

Thing is... In the back of my mind I hoped someday I would measure up. I shouldn't have fooled myself on that either. I still have no clue why you bothered to make a show of "picking" me over the other two you were seeing. At least now you're not settling for someone less attractive.

I said,

I'm very sorry. I meant it at the time, and I never meant it to hurt you. I'm just shallower than I thought I was. I hope you find someone better than me who appreciates your looks as well as your heart.

She replied,

Yeah... I should have known better than to think I was good enough in the first place, lesson learned.

I guess I don't know what to say. It was a year ago yesterday that I told her I wasn't attracted enough to her, we dated for about three months, we never had sex and I never met her kids. I feel like she must be trying to make me feel guiltier at this point. What do you think? Is there anything I can say that will make all this better instead of worse?

Dating someone

Sorry for so little posting. I'm dating someone, we really hit it off big. Our first date, we met at 6, closed down the restaurant and moved to a coffee place, closed that down and sat at one of their outdoor tables until after 2 in the morning. Our next two dates were longer, our fourth we set a curfew because we had work. I've been short of sleep almost every day for about a month now, though I'm having a great time. So there's not too much time to post. But, things are happy. One thing I noticed; my dominant side shows far more with a woman who is aggressively interested than with a woman who's more passive. My ex showed little interest and eventually only got my submissive side. With a woman who verbally invited the first kiss (on the second date) and took the initiative to grind up on me on the dance floor on the third date, my dominant side shows up a lot, which she enjoys a whole lot, as she's said clearly. Communication is awesome.

Nonverbal but unequivocal in a relationship

I had an idea for something that seems like it would be fun in a marriage or other relationship where at least one partner likes the other to take control without asking sometimes. Get a piece of jewelry that can go with almost anything, like maybe a pin, and make a verbal agreement that you'll wear it only when you want your partner to initiate or take control or take you or use you or whatever variation floats your boat. Seems like a nice compromise between the need for communication and the need for silent acquiescence that some people feel.

Keeping very busy with nice things

I'm keeping very busy with nice things.  Work, dance classes, social stuff with friends.

I've been spending a lot of time writing, because when I meet someone nice through OKCupid or something I like to try to stay friends with them even if we don't think romance is an option.  As people have been added to that list I've ended up with a bunch of emails to write daily.

No dates so far, though.  My OKC profile is pretty open and I'm a peculiar guy, definitely not for everyone, so this is unsurprising.  Also, I'm kind of picky, and intend to stay that way.

More on the Murre theme.

Saturday night, at my usual steampunk/neovictorian event (unnamed this time because it occurred to me I don't want to appear on a Google search for that), I was talking with one of the vendors for a while.  She was telling me about some performance in Boston she attended where they ripped up a Bible, with the obvious expectation I would approve.

Next morning in church I was telling my pastor how I go to a regular costume event where people wear neovictorian clothing, and he was telling me how weird I was.  But, he said, it's what makes me me, so it's OK.  Later I was arguing with one of my Christian friends about referring to a trans woman as she when she's not there to hear it, me taking the "call her what she wants" approach and him taking the "wrong genitals" approach.

Sometimes I really do feel like an alien everywhere.  As a Christian though, I should be expecting that.  In the end, this world is not my home.

To be fair, I spend most of Saturday night hanging out with two pleasant, nice, beautiful, (married,) belly dancers, one of whom is an Christian.  So that was a very nice evening, and I expect we will continue being friends in the future.  And Sunday, another of my Christian friends was agreeing with me about the use the pronoun the person referred to prefers.  I really shouldn't complain.  It just seems like there have been a whole lot of these episodes recently, like every time I go to a steampunk event.

Also a confession: Saturday night, the vendor had a cold and packed up early, but when she packed up I was enjoying myself chatting with the belly-dancers and it didn't even occur to me that I should have offered to help her schlep her stuff to her car.  It probably would have if I were feeling warmer towards her, which I would have been if not for the Bible-ripping comment.

I love this video

I love this song, and the video even more:


Sia - Clap Your Hands

Sia, unusually, does not seem to care much about coming across as pretty or sexy in her videos, which is especially noticeable in Buttons.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates Easter, and happy April 8th to everyone who doesn't!

At War With My Tastes

I'm still at war with my tastes in women's looks. I can't seem to change them. The war has been heating up again as women who do match my tastes show interest.

Part of the problem is that my best women friends do not match where my tastes run, and they already feel bad about their bodies. I feel like by acknowledging what I like, I am betraying them. I feel like by admitting I don't want someone who looks like them, I am devaluing them.

Also, I know if I marry someone I am attracted to and lack of sex becomes a problem again, I will blame myself endlessly for being shallow in choosing her. (It's what I did last time, too.) There is an undercurrent in my mind that is afraid of women who attract me, that thinks if I pick a conventionally unattractive woman and it all goes wrong again at least I'll be less harsh on myself. And also, that a less conventionally attractive woman may at least continue to like my looks even if she doesn't much want to have sex with me.

At least I'm not like this all the time anymore, this is coming from one of my downswings.

Giving dating another try

I think I'm going to give dating another try; though this time I want to keep it on a just friends, not even kissing level for a good long time.

I've found out a number of things about myself and people in general. The primary one, I think, is that it is OK if I keep looking for years for a really remarkable woman. I am an unusual guy and I can look for an unusual girl, and I shouldn't feel like it's being arrogant if I don't think falling for me is enough. I've never had anyone not want to continue after a date; actually except for my two marriages I've yet to be the dumpee instead of the dumper if there was at least one date. So that's both why I want to keep it just friends, and why I think I can be selective. And if I can be selective, I should. Why would it be of net benefit if I took the first instead of the best?

Also, for PerverseCowgirl, I think I meet all your signs.

Unified Theory of Kink

UPDATE: On second thought, too simple and reductionist even with all the 'generally' and 'I think' etc. I still think it's an interesting trend, though.

Apologies to regular readers for going over old ground, I'm trying to make this post more accessible.

I've heard the theory, attributed to Dan Savage, that kinks come from people's fears (though I haven't found a reference). My theory starts with that and takes it a few steps farther. Here it is:

Men generally are taught by the culture to be afraid of being disgusting; men's kinks are mostly oriented around either overcoming that or owning it but saying it's OK.

Women generally are taught by the culture to be afraid of being victimized, and to be afraid of being considered a slut; women's kinks are mostly oriented around either overcoming those or owning them but saying it's OK.

Women and men, of course, both have more fears that impact their sexuality than I list here. These are the ones I see as primarily shaping kink, though.

Men are Gross

The idea that men are gross, disgusting, and unattractive is one we are trained to constantly from a very young age. "Sugar and spice and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of. Snips and snails and puppy dog tails, that's what little boys are made of." Do a Google search on "boys smell better than girls" and take a look at the results. I did it both ways to compare but since "boys smell better than girls" mostly returns "Why do girls smell better than boys?" that one pretty much makes my point by itself. Lots of those answers are to the effect of "girls care more", which is a self-fufilling prophecy insofar as it is true. Media mostly pictures guys as something girls put up with if and when they want something. I just recently wrote on the way men never show up on Kinky and Popular on Fetlife. Guy's genitalia is represented as being something horrifying that no one could want to see (e.g. Anthony Weiner), primarily due to the bizarre modern form of male homophobia. Seeing other people of the same gender naked was a normal part of life for all of history except in some of the past century, in locker rooms, bathrooms which weren't private unless you were rich, in barracks, in shared rooms at an inn. The obvious reaction of a straight man is indifference. Any man of an earlier time would consider the modern "eww" and avoidance to be unbelievably, suspiciously prissy and prima facie evidence of mental and sexual abnormality.

Really, I'm not sure how much I should bother to belabor this point, I think it's probably pretty obvious if you think about it. But the pervasiveness of it is probably difficult for women to imagine; easy to see though, if you start to look.

What's less obvious is how much this point is pushed by men rather than women. When I remember hearing "sugar and spice" I remember it in my father's voice. Men write most of the scripts and jokes in the mass media that imply women only put up with men when they want something. It is men who are so horrified by the idea of seeing a dick.

Men's kinks mostly seem to be based on the fear that we are gross. There are a few ways I think I see men reacting to that.

We can accept it but say it's OK. The style of submissive kinks I see in men can generally fit that mold. That's how my submissive side works. I may be disgusting, she may even tease about it, but if I serve her she will still touch me, still love me. I think when men go for helplessness, as in bondage, for example, the idea is that he can't do anything but she still wants to do something with him.

We can deny it, shout it down, by having our partner accept our sexuality in an exaggerated way. This is how my dominant side works. For this kind, it's essential that she be seen to be enjoying it. If she's happy about me cumming in her face, I can't really be that gross, can I? Or a play reluctance fantasy in which we agree beforehand that her role is someone who wants me but is ashamed to say because of social convention. Her enjoyment subverts the feelings of rejection. (Obviously the bad version of this is a guy trying to tell himself every woman wants him, or it.)

We can accept it but say it doesn't matter. That's another face of bondage, domination, and rape fantasy that I don't really get into. She may think I'm disgusting but she's tied up, she's my slave, I have the power. So it doesn't matter. I think there's also a revenge element in there. Oh, you think I'm gross, do you? I think this is the one that's active in actual rapists, but of course the kink doesn't make one a rapist. Also, I'd like to note again that the feeling of being gross is largely driven by other men; any revenge element is misplaced.

Women must be Pure

Women's kinks I don't know from the inside, I only know them from reading people's writing and guessing.

I guess if I were faced with slut-shaming aimed at me, one possibility would be to accept it but say it's OK. That seems to me to be what's going on with all the slut-shaming play some women like (the popularity of which was my biggest surprise, I think, in learning about kink.) If you, for example, write "SLUT" and "WHORE" and stuff on my naked body, and nothing bad comes of it, it disarms and conquers that threat.

Another possibility would be avoiding responsibility. If I'm tied up and he fucks me, it's not my fault. If I'm his slave, he's responsible. This one doesn't seem such a good match for the dominant men who want their 'disgusting' sexuality accepted (like my form of dominant), it goes better for the ones who want to feel that whether they're disgusting doesn't matter. I think the common desire for a strong man, who can "drive the bus" as I've heard it put, comes from this one.

I think perhaps women liking male orgasm denial may sometimes come from reversing this one; "I'm not the whore, you are." But orgasm denial in general is the popular kink I understand the least.

Women are Endangered

It seems to me that the main fear driving kink in women is fear of victimization, abuse, rape. Women are raised to be afraid of these things to an extent that is difficult for men, or at least me, to imagine. Women are taught the danger of being alone on a dark street, alone in a parking lot, alone with a strange man; when the danger, which has struck horrifyingly many women, is more from men they do know. Women have to be careful about people getting them a drink and putting rufies in it, for crying out loud. It's crazy that half of us have to live that way.

It seems to me that most women's kink is driven by that fear, in a way analogous to men's kink being fear of being disgusting. If I were a woman, I guess I'd have a similar set of options to the ones men have.

I could accept it but say it's survivable, conquerable, deal-with-able. That's how a large set of women's submissive kinks tend to look to me; all different ways and levels of putting themselves in a victim-like situation, from light bondage to highly realistic play rape. I am helpless, but it's OK because it's actually fun; I am helpless, but it's OK because he deeply loves me.

I could deny it, shout it down, by reversing it. Make him the victim by playing victimizer. That's what I tend most often to see in dominant women, in my very limited experience.

Update: Another factor is projection. A lot of times we imagine how good something that's our kink would feel to the other person. Or, I guess, perhaps the more empathetic among us do. So we basically treat our partner as if they had our kink, with varying results. When it doesn't work, at least it's among the most well-intentioned of failures. :)