Sunday, October 17, 2010


To me, in sex, my partner's volition is everything. I want a woman to want to touch me; that's at the core of almost all my desire and fantasy life. I'm not sure how rare this attitude is, but it's definitely not standard. Certainly lots of men, possibly most men, good men would would never really want to hurt a woman, enjoy more of a fantasy element of rape or force in their sex life than I. So this is a time that what I'm writing here is particularly unrepresentative of men in general.

Submissive fantasies are all about the woman's volition in an obvious way. She is totally in control and choosing to touch me. As I've discussed before, there is an element of asking for very little, at least symbolically, and an element of earning her touch in some of my most common submissive fantasies; e.g. she demands cunnilingus from me, or I beg for the opportunity to do it for her, then she rewards me with a footjob. I'm pretty clearly trying to put her volition on unassailable grounds; this is more psychologically comfortable for me especially if I'm not feeling too confident.

My dominant fantasies also emphasize the woman's volition, in one of two ways. Sometimes, I want her to show her desire more emphatically. I want her to offer much and ask for little, to show how important to her that little is. E.g., she kisses her way from my feet to my cock, then gets a handjob. This is basically the reverse of my usual submissive fantasy, but in my very limited experience I haven't seen that women get as much out of the dominant role as I do; as discussed hereI don't think women in general feel as much need for reinforcement of desire as I do. This variety is rather difficult and rare for me to engage in, because I tend not to find it plausible that a woman wants sex that much. I hope I can find the woman who will help me change my mind on this, and I realize that's a burden for her.

My other type of dominant fantasy is as close as I generally get to force or rape fantasy; it's where there is some element of pushing my partner's volition. It would usually be unacceptable behavior if it were real; often amounting to sexual harassment or an elaborate kind of prostitution. I am in some kind of position of power, and push her or lure her into acting out desire that she would have concealed otherwise. If I'm playing this out with a partner, her character's hidden desire is something we talk about at the beginning. It's hard for me to talk about this because of the obvious similarity to the "you know you want it" line of thought, which is so common and criminal in reality.

I've long wondered if rape fantasy, when it appears in decent men, is an adaptation to feeling undesirable; if men feel as undesirable as I, and adapt by rejecting desire an essential element. A lot of pop-culture treatment of sex has the subtext that the woman's presence is required, more than her volition; I tend to notice that subtext because I don't find it sexy when it's obviously supposed to be.

Because there is no volition, voyeurist fantasy does nothing for me. Stripping depends; my partner stripping for me is incredibly hot (doesn't matter if she's skilled) because it showcases her intention. A stripper isn't hot, because the intention is fake in ways I can't ignore. If I were to hire a prostitute (which I won't), stripping would be pretty hot because the intention is real even if the motive isn't what I really want.

Wanting the clear expression of my partner's volition is another reason I don't go for penis-in-vagina that much. Her using her hands or mouth, for example, expresses her intentionality more unequivocally than her pussy. I imagine the right kind of talk during sex could change that completely.

The exceptions to my desire for her express volition kind of prove the rule. Once after cunnilingus I just went ahead and fucked my wife because I wanted to get off too; once in eight years of unreciprocated cunnilingus about twice a week. She welcomed it, but still it was only once because it just wasn't what I mostly want. Once we played out a highwayman rape fantasy, but she was really emotionally in control, her character just regarded the "rape" as an excuse to slip the social norms.

P.S. Thinking about some of the details behind the rather dry and analytical presentation that I wrote here let me know that everything still works.

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