tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616558788482418353.post574552848381537540..comments2018-06-03T02:13:49.956-04:00Comments on Abstinent Sexblog: Mixed Messages, and, People are Crazy, and, Your Partner Isn't Your ShrinkUncommonMurrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999723370789881734noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616558788482418353.post-27201159401104491932010-10-26T09:53:56.876-04:002010-10-26T09:53:56.876-04:00My wife, on the other hand, blamed me for her bad ...<i>My wife, on the other hand, blamed me for her bad emotional state, but not really anything specific I did or didn't do </i><br /><br />Yeah, that's a total bullshit thing to do to someone. I feel for you. :(Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616558788482418353.post-79717565104993651592010-10-25T13:17:44.328-04:002010-10-25T13:17:44.328-04:00perversecowgirl, people of any gender should certa...perversecowgirl, people of any gender should certainly be willing to listen to their partner free-associate out loud, and offer suggestions and ideas. To me that's a friend rather than a therapist. And a partner should be more than an friend, not less.<br /><br />I get what you have in mind; guys who say "I'm not your therapist" to cover up for "I'm not even a real friend." Listening isn't asking very much, to me. Shoot, I try to listen (read) and offer suggestions and ideas, and I'm only some guy on the Web.<br /><br />My wife, on the other hand, blamed me for her bad emotional state, but not really anything specific I did or didn't do; she just considered it part of the marriage deal that I'd take care of it. And that was putting too damn much on me.AndrewVanbergenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14923434958244441857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616558788482418353.post-47724070911404895802010-10-25T10:00:51.864-04:002010-10-25T10:00:51.864-04:00I found myself bridling when you said that men sho...I found myself bridling when you said that men shouldn't be therapists to their partners. Then I got to the part where you said therapists "fix" people. <br /><br />My experience of therapists has been that they're fucking useless at offering advice or insight; at best, they listen to me free-associate out loud until I come to a conclusion my damn self. Maybe I just haven't been to the right one.<br /><br />So technically I guess I <i>do</i> expect my partner to be a therapist to me; better than a therapist, even, because I want him to offer up suggestions and ideas. But I'm firmly aware that I'm ultimately responsible for my own well-being.<br /><br />And I'm sooooo sick of the stereotype that women aren't into the physical side of sex and need to be complimented and coddled in order to get turned on (or maybe the Allende quote was referring to dirty talk?). I did hear some statistic once that women are more aurally focused when it comes to sex and men are more visual, but for me this aural fixation translates to "<i>Yes</i>, keep on moaning, it turns me on" rather than "Oooh, tell me again how beautiful I am!"<br /><br />And I maintain that women are generally a <i>lot</i> more visual than we're admitting - even to ourselves.<br /><br />One of my friends insists that she doesn't notice guys' looks at all - that appearance is simply not a factor for her. Indeed, none of the guys I've seen her date have been conventionally attractive (they ranged from plain to outright weird-looking). And yet...some days we'd be hanging out and she'd be like, "Oh my god, Cowgirl, on the way here there was this guy on the bus who was SO FUCKING HOT...when he accidentally made eye contact with me, I tripped and almost split my head open." So clearly she <i>notices</i> appearances and has distinct visual preferences; she just willfully ignores these when choosing a mate.<br /><br />And I have to wonder: if she's dating guys she's not especially attracted to...what does that do to their sex life? Might it cause things to be a bit lackluster? Might her partners (the uglier ones, anyway) be convinced that "women aren't that into sex" because women aren't that into sex with <i>them</i>?<br /><br />I'm guilty of downplaying my attractions, too: my ex husband was pretty much the opposite of what I like, physically. But women have it hammered into our heads that we're shallow bitch MONSTERS if we hold out for sexual attraction, so I married him anyway. I loved him, and the sex we had (before he started withholding it) was fine; good, even. But after we got divorced I started sleeping with guys I actually <i>wanted</i> and it was SO. MUCH. BETTER.<br /><br />Looks <i>do</i> fucking matter and I'm sad that so many woman can't admit it.<br /><br />-perversecowgirlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616558788482418353.post-87291810704306863062010-10-25T08:23:54.815-04:002010-10-25T08:23:54.815-04:00I want to try a post or two spitballing about how ...I want to try a post or two spitballing about how men might be able to help. Despite the problems with sexual frequency with my second wife, she told me that I had really improved things since her first husband.AndrewVanbergenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14923434958244441857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616558788482418353.post-13504222770705762982010-10-24T22:55:37.119-04:002010-10-24T22:55:37.119-04:00Agreed. I expect my partner to know my issues (pa...Agreed. I expect my partner to know my issues (partly through familiarity and partly because I disclosed them), understand that I can't always be totally and utterly rational and in what specific ways I might find that a challenge, and forgive me for not being a spotless model of well-adjusted togetherness- not <i>fix</i> me. That, to the extent that is possible, is my job, and if and when it gets bad enough that it's fucking with my life/relationships, my job to seek professional aid.<br /><br />Understand my crazy, forgive me for it, just don't <i>dismiss</i> it/.<br /><br />As to women, placebos, and libido, there seems to be a remarkable amount of sexual response tied up in a psychological black box. If it were men's fault or within men's power to fix it, there wouldn't be so many women unable to achieve orgasm through masturbation.LabRathttp://www.atomicnerds.comnoreply@blogger.com